It's almost Christmas 2!

Merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah to the Jews. Also, if you're into Kwanzaa, then I say a strong "Black Power!" to you, brother! Anyhow, it's that time of year again where there is magic in the air; EVIL MAGIC. I'm talking about the sorcery known as the holidays.

Yes, this stupid, chaotic, hated, loved, absolutely insane ode to commercialism/Jesus is back with a vengeance once again to terrorize downtown Tokyo while breathing fire and eating buildings as masses of Japanese people run, horrified. And let me tell you - this has been a good one, and it's not even over yet.

Yeah, I got my shopping down. I bought my brother a golden motorcycle, my sister a pink unicorn with wings, my other brother an M240, my mom a pair of wool socks, and my step-sister a huge vibrating triple-penetration dildo to stuff in her vagina so she can find it in her heart to stop being a stupid whore. And holy shit, she wants to get a chihuahua? How much more Paris Hilton can you get? Well, anyhow, I also got Eminem a signed copy of Mariah Carey's Christmas Album. I'm sure he'll really appreciate it.

I bought Rosie O'Donnell a new career, because she broke the last one.

I bought a bullhorn for Bill O'Reilly so he can yell at his guests even louder!

I picked up a really cute pair of Hello Kitty socks for 50 Cent.

I bought a Rebecca Black album for Justin Bieber.

For Lady GaGa, I made a sphinx out of fish-flavored cake and put it inside of a spherical golden cage, with a pair of conjoined motorcycle-riding twins to continuously ride around inside the cage around the sphinx.

I picked out some really nice orange jumpsuits for Lindsay Lohan.

For the Jackass crew, I cloned Ryan Dunn and created a new human being in his likeness who I have named "Brian Dunn", and he is rapidly growing and will soon be able to participate in reckless shenanigans and work on vehicles.

For Hulk Hogan, I bought him a shirt. He already ripped it in half.

I paid for some comedy classes for Olivia Munn so that she can hopefully be funny someday.

I know a lot of people have some weird problem with Barack Obama being half-white, so I bought his mother 5,000 tanning sessions and a Namibian citizenship, so she can be dark-skinned and African, which technically, would make Obama fully black.

I bought Seth MacFarlane a closet, so he can come out of it.

I bought Seth Green a bunch of Star Wars shit, because he loves that shit.

I purchased Selena Gomez a year's worth of herpes-treatment creme to get rid of those disgusting puss-filled spores that Justin Bieber gave her.

I also gave Justin Bieber a kick in the face, because I know he's been asking for one for a long time.

I didn't know what to get for Iliza Shlesinger, so I just gave her a coupon for 1 session of sexual intercourse with me.

Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about Christmas. Christmas is a [black] magic time of year, when people act like total assholes, those people stand outside of stores ringing bells for hours for menial amounts of money, tons of pine trees are mercilessly slaughtered, and a morbidly obese elf-man with levitating cervidae fly to every single house within the span of 12 hours to deliver gifts to all the little good girls and boys, little suspecting that their families already bought them shit. All of Santa's toys are manufactured by elf slave-labor and Santa Claus is a slave-master, and he must be stopped.

Also, Jesus was born? Oh, yeah - Christmas haters love to clamor on about how Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, but can't actually put their finger on exactly what that holiday was. Was it the The Winter Festival of Death, where the pagans would cut themselves around a giant bonfire and sacrificing their young virgin females to the giant wild-boar-god, Poom-Baw? Or perhaps the Scandinavian Yule, which was not actually a precursor to Christmas, and was eventually replaced with Christmas by King Haakon I of Sveden, who ruled with an iron fist, and drank the blood of his enemies from a goblet carved out of granite.

So yeah, who knows. All this "separation of church and state vs this nation is christian" rubbish just needs to be slam-dunked into the nearest trash bin. Just shut up and enjoy the goddamn holiday already!

Remember remember
the fifth of November
the gunpowder treason and plot
I know of no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot

KIM KARDASHIAN DIVORCE SCANDAL

Well, it's not actually much of a scandal.























After 72 days of holy matrimony, Kim Kardashian and Kris-whats-his-face have signed the divorce papers. The reason was "irreconcilable differences", which means Kris was beating her and prematurely ejaculating. Or maybe Kim was beating him, and she was prematurely ejaculating woman-cum before intercourse, then she would just fall asleep on top of him before he was satisfied.

According to Kim's mother, the marriage was most definitely not just for publicity purposes, because the Kardashians have never done anything just for getting publicity. Never. Ever.

This is just latest celebrity divorce, which always come in a series of threes, and frankly, I don't care that much, because I just want to know about how Herman Cain used to go around grabbing women's boobs back in the day. He just loved grabbing their boobs and going "This is how we say hello where I come from." and the women would reply with "Do you also normally put your hands up the shirt and bra and grab the boobs directly?" and Herman Cain was all like "Hail yeahhh."

What a pimp. I hope he becomes the President, because I believe the main reason you should become President is to get a lot of pussy. Bill Clinton had the right idea, but he didn't take it far enough, and denied he was doing it. The way I believe it should be done is openly, sometimes on live television, and done very often.

But uh, yeah, Kim Kardashian blah blah blah.

w9e847ro3qw DEMI MOORE AND ASHTON KUTCHER DIVORCE SCANDAL NUDE PICS HUH WHAT

Imagine you married your own mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time - you know she can make a mean breakfast, and you've already been in her vagina and sucked her tits. WELL, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. Next time, do something smarter with your time like playing golf in a thunderstorm, but instead of hitting golf balls, you're hitting yourself in the nuts repeatedly.

Ashton Kutcher has done both. Sort of. I'm not going to lie; marrying Demi Moore was probably the worst thing Ashton Kutcher has ever done, and he hosted Punk'd. So after a 500 billion dollar divorce, they're finally separated. Do not believe the headlines that claim that they are still together. I am declaring here and now that their marriage is so over that if it was more over, it would be Harold Camping's career.

The only way this relationship could get any more bizarre is if Ashton got breast implants and joined the Cult of Scientology simultaneously. Meanwhile, somewhere, Bruce Willis' ring is dropping to the ground and he's realizing that he's actually a ghost. I mean, that's what happened to his career after making a 17th Die Hard movie with the Mac guy, and Cop Out, which was named after the scriptwriters' mentality. Now, as Ashton Kutcher chases down some sleeping pills with whiskey in his closed garage with the motor running, wearing a Bruce Willis t-shirt and sobbing like a baby, Bruce Willis is yelling "Yippie kie yay, motherfucker!" as he orgasms while having incredibly incredible for-old-times-sake sex with Demi Moore's anus. SUP, ASHTON? Who's getting Punk'd now!?

If My Name Is Earl has taught us anything, it's that you can't run from Karma. Karma, of course, is a force of the universe which influences the paths of all conscious beings, and if you do something bad, then something bad will happen back to you. Like, let's say you marry Bruce Willis' ex-wife. That's pretty bad. In Christianity, I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for that. In Karma-anity, you have douchey tabloids trash the shit out of you until you start doing drugs just to escape from reality, and eventually end up on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where he declares you to be "unfixable".

LeAnn Rimes is too skinny and needs to eat.

Look at this:











Now look at this:























Now look at this:













Now look at this:





















Do I even need to write anything here? Yes, when your hip bones protrude abnormally far out and you can see your ribs, it's called "abs", love. Amy Paterson, shame on you. SHAME. Now Leann has to run the talk-show gauntlet to tell all the hosts she can that she's not anorexic. In the before-and-after pictures, you can clearly see she's wearing strips across, which makes her APPEAR heavier. In the second picture, she's wearing blue, which makes you look anorexic. So please, people, Leann Rimes is healthy as... as... fuck! So leave her alone, or else I will come to your house, and have a polite but firm conversation with you on how your words are hurtful.

Why Can't Jen Find Love!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!/1/1//1/1/1/1/1/1/1/

She's America's sweetheart. She has inspired millions and entertained billions. She went down into a well to save a trapped baby. She invented bread. However, when it comes to the affairs of the heart, Jen can't find love.

We all want Jen to find love. To quote astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, "The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which is that Jen might find love." and I concur pertinaciously. A cynical nihilist may assert that the presumed status of Jen's perceived romantic quagmire and our steadfast societal quixotic disposition to absolve Jen of her singlenessicity is floccinaucinihilipilificated. And you probably are thinking that I waited in a leopard-like state to pounce on the opportunity to utilize that word. You're damn right, in that case! But, as for all you Jen-doubters, I would implore you to think outside your dimly-lit box of no intellectual objectivity, anti-Jen-findinglove-ivity, and embrace the universally accepted negative-utilitarianist view that shows that Jen being in a relationship is good for us all.

Perhaps you've seen the rabid paparazzi, (Who have been medically diagnosed with Rabies, possibly early signs of the Rage Virus) exhibiting photos of Jen being single in public, which only work to exacerbate Jen's almost-certain distress concerning the fact that she's going to die alone in an apartment filled with cats and empty ice cream cartons while attempting a highly advanced Yoga pose. If you've seen such photos and maintain your insistent insouciance towards Jen, then you are not human. You're an alien or a centaur or something. Suppose you were single for a long time after dating someone who received the prestigious "hottest person in the world award" from ugly fat gay men. That would be absolutely fucked up, wouldn't it? I rest my case.

Now that we've establishment beyond a reasonable doubt that Jen needs love, then we now need to assess why Jen can't find love. A theory circulated by certain underground sources suggested that perhaps that behind the scenes, Jen is an erratic emotional mess, and expresses herself primarily through bitchiness. This theory is obvious bullshit. I don't even want to hear that shit.

So I did what Perez Hilton does: I went to the salons with gay guys, because all the hottest celebz (With a z) go in there to get their hair and make-up done by the gays, and they gossip to each other as the gays secretly listen. Perez Hilton then slips in the back door(If you know what I mean) and gets the scoop from the hair stylists (If you know what I mean). I did precisely this, and I heard from an unnamed source that Jen is enjoying being single. Upon hearing such motherfucking bullshit, I slapped him across the face and walked out indignantly. I'm still working on finding out why Jen can't find love, but I have a lot of secret sources who are currently being interrogated by Dick Cheney in a black site, so I'm certain that I will be able to deliver some answers to the American Public soon.

Godspeed!

Random Kate Middleton Pictures

This is England's Princess Kate Middleton of Chesterweschter or whatever. It's not important. What I'm really concerned about is the legacy of the Royal Family, because without them, the people of England would have billions of extra pounds (What those blokes call their dollars) that they would use to buy America and turn it into a dystopian nightmare out of the acid-induced visions of George Orwell. I'm talking like, we'd have electric cars and watch dog races on network television. If that happened, I'd go deep underground and start a gorilla war. Yes, I meant to say "gorilla". If you have no idea what a gorilla war is, then you need go back to kindergarten and start over with finger-painting. Here's the real reason I'm saying all of this: I don't trust Kate Middleton and neither should you. Prince William has royal blood and is constantly injecting his royal semen into Kate Middleton's non-royal muffin. She is a filthy commoner. We all know this, but no one wants to say anything. They're afraid that black vans are going to pull up and men in dark suits will have a firm, but polite talk with you about judging the character of others. I'm not afraid though. How could royalty fall in love with non-royalty? The answer is obvious: she is a Soviet-trained super-agent waiting to be activated on Day X, and steal all of Prince William's precious gold. All she would have to do is find the location of the gold, and stuff a little bit of it into her pocket every day, then "go for a little stroll", in which she delivers the gold to her contacts with the secret Colombian underground druglords. In short, Prince William was seduced by a mistress of seduction, who is about to shock the world by stealing all of his gold.

Until then, enjoy these pictures of Kate Middleton's diverse range of fashion:

Charlie Is Dead; Kate Still Alive

Yes.

Charlie Sheen's character, "Charlie" died and his ashes were vacuumed up by a hoover vacuum. Much to my dismay, he is still alive in real life. That may sound really incredibly cruel, but I have an excellent reason for being vindictive about his very existence: I am really jealous of him. I wish I could wake up in the morning and go on a show where I play a character exactly like myself with the same name as myself. Well, actually, he doesn't do that anymore, as of today. Kind of a bummer, actually. It's kind of like a great rival of mine has fallen before he even knew I was attempting to rival him. Now the rivalry is in limbo thanks to Charlie Sheen dying on his show which is exactly like... OMG IS HE GOING TO DIE IN REAL LIFE?

Coincidentally,















Kate Gosselin has announced that her hit show, Jon and Kate plus Eight, will be discontinued. That show really went downhill when the writers decided to kill off Jon, and then bring him back to life miraculously in the next season. I was like "Wait, he definitely died. We saw his dead body at the end of last season. This is stupid." and he just waltz onto the screen and goes "I'm alive, Kate." like it's no big deal. Well, it is a big deal. I don't know what Kate is going to do next, but for everyone who says she has a smoking body, consider this: imagine what her vagina looks like after pumping out eight children. Having sex with her is probably jumping onto a tire swing while being completely nude. What will the neighbors think?

As for the eight, there is no word yet whether or not anyone cares about them.

Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and Justin Timberlake leak nude pics! SCANDAL!!!!!

Well, it's that time of year again: the days are getting shorter, the leaves are turning golden, and celebrities are leaking naked pictures of themselves "by accident". When I heard Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and JT all dropped nude pics all over the web, I was all over that action. I did extensive research to find the said pictures, but alas, my pursuit was in vain. I manage to find this picture of Scarlett Johansson's butt, which I cleverly pixelated to censor the part of her butt which is unfit for the eyes of... uhm... I'm going to say "the children". No worries, it's okay to talk about about naked celebrities, as long as we don't actually show them. I also saw that picture of Mila Kunis flashing her boobs from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I almost forgot about after being traumatized by seeing Jason Segel's penis several dozen times. I had to go to therapy for that. I didn't look for Justin Timberlake's nude pictures, cuz I ain't gay. But seriously, I hate when celebrities leak their nude pictures, and I can't find them, or they just suck. The only good one I ever saw was the alleged nude Katy Perry picture, and nobody knows if it's her because she doesn't have her make-up on. But rest assured, if any decent nude celebrity pictures emerge, I will capture them like Pokemon and force them to battle in an arena of death until one remains victorious, standing atop the dead nude bodies of it's opponents.

This reminds me. Recently, Lady GaGa accidentally flashed her tits during a red carpet event. For anyone else, this would be career-killing. But she just brushed it off, lifted her top back up, and kept posing, LIKE A BOSS. How kick-ass is that?

The obligatory 9/11 post

Making fun of 9/11 is a one-way ticket to being hated and despised, so I'll just leave that to Ann Coulter.

It's sort of weird that it happened 10 years ago, because it really does feel just like yesterday when it happened. Back in those days, my brother and I used to watch a lot of cable news, so it wasn't surprising that the television was on when I woke up. What was surprising was that the World Trade Center had been hit by a jetliner. I started watching the news at approximately 9:30, so the second plane hadn't yet hit, so I began wondering how this could possibly happen. A jetliner typically cruises at 30,000+ feet, or approximately 6 miles high or more. That meant the plane would have to be either taking off or landing. However, the distance of JFK or Newark airports from downtown Manhattan means that the plane would have been in air for several minutes before reaching downtown. The answer to my questions came in the form of a second plane striking the second tower.

That day brought about a lot of odd consequences: two wars, conspiracy theories, a color-coded alert system that no one understands, a near-riot over a mosque being built, and also, a line in the sand. Are you with us or against us? That was the question we were asked by our government, and dissent or debate was regarded as unpatriotic or even cause for suspicion by the government. There was no room to be empathetic towards the terrorist organization that allegedly carried out the attack. At least with Timothy McVeigh and the Columbine shooters, we wanted to know why they did it. With the terrorists, we were fed the answer: "They hate freedom."

Some people want to know why it happened, whereas others simply don't care, and can only be satisfied with vengeance - and understandably so - more than three thousand people were killed brutally, and mercilessly, some of whom were in the process of trying to save the lives of others. But real freedom - freedom from fear, freedom from misguided information, freedom from being led away to be slaughtered - necessitates a love and desire for the truth, because information and knowledge are the key to the doors of freedom. Sure, celebrities are fun, but there comes aside when one has to take a step back from what consumes their time and realize there is a much bigger universe out there to be considered.

Years later, in the present, Osama bin Laden is dead at the bottom of the Indian Ocean, and there are still seemingly never-ending wars going on, costing us billions of dollars and lives of thousands of young men and women. It hardly seems like a fair trade to me, but then again, it's war; you really can't expect it to be pretty. But imagine the guy who shot Osama bin Laden in the face. That guy is going to get so much pussy. Think about one of those crazy ladies who has a house that is just filled with cats everywhere. That's how much pussy he's going to get. It's going to be legendary. But first, we have to bring him and everyone else home from that death-pit. If we have to wait another 10 years to catch Ayman Al-Zawahiri, then I say fuck it. Let's just pull everyone out of there, because let's be honest - we've killed a lot of Al-Qaeda's people, and at some point, we have to either just wipe the organization out in one big blow, and get acquainted with the idea that, even after they're all dead, there will still be people in the world who hate America.

If you're religious, I would recommend praying for protection. If you're an atheist, you should probably move to the Yukon. It's quite cold, but no terrorists have ever attacked or cared about that particular area. Either way, it's been 10 years since 9/11, and most of us are still alive. If there is any way I recommend commemorating 9/11, it would be to be thankful that we're alive and well, be happy for the lives we have, and not live in fear of losing that life. Even though it was a terrible day, and hard for some people to get past, I think a lot of them would agree with me in saying: love your life, every minute of it.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith DIVORCE SCANDAL OMG

After approximately 34 years of holy matrimony (and mattress moaning - OHHHH!!!!) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith ARE getting a divorce. As a matter of fact, they released this statement:

"Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact."

"Our marriage is intact" should always be followed by "...and we love each other very much, yo." but that statement was omitted. Also, curiously, the statement "...and we are not considering divorce." was also not present. Also, the statement "...go Lakers!" was absent as well. This can only mean one thing: a big-ass Hollywood divorce is going down and Jada Pinkett is going to have to move to China to work in a factory, because obviously, they don't have enough people over there. Then Jaden will do all the stuff he did in the new Karate Kid movie for real, then come back to America and beat the crap out of that dickhead Marc Anthony, who broke up the greatest Hollywood romance in history: Bennifer. GODDAMN YOU, MARC ANTHONY, YOU DESERVE TO GET HIT BY ONE OF THOSE TINY ELECTRIC CARS AND SUFFER A BROKEN TIBIA. WHY, GOD, WHY!? IT HURTS SO GOOD.

To make a long story short, Marc Anthony works on Jada's hit TV show... uhm... whatever it's called... and they decided to get drunk and do some sex. When Will found out, he got so mad that he single-handedly destroyed an alien civilization. Soon, the marriage was in turmoil. And that's the story all about how his life got turned upside-down.

I don't even care that JLo and Marc got divorced. She broke Ben's heart, and in a way, she broke America's heart. When Spencer and Heidi got divorced, I was like "Uh, saw that one coming." and I can't even begin to tell you how inevitable it is that Prince William is going to divorce Kate Middleton once he realizes that she tricked him into marrying her so that she could steal his gold and run off to South America.

Dax Shepard has a weird name

So the parents were like "Let's call him... Dax."

I'm back

I think it's time to dust off the old Juicy Celebrity Gossipz blog and do this.

Do this.

Some pretty epic stuff happened while I was on hiatus; Kate Middleton married Prince William, probably to steal his gold, Ryan Dunn died, Amy Winehouse died, that lady who killed her baby was pronounced "not guilty".

Truthfully, (and this is honest truth), I kind of got sidetracked during my trip to England to get close to the royal wedding, but it turns out that royal security is somewhat more competent than the guards in the movies. Kate Middleton's wedding dress was the subject of much speculation, but I had my suspicions what it would look like, which turned out to be correct: her dress was white. I can't even believe I didn't blog about that. I would be rich right now if I made that prediction, because my blog would become famous and I would get my own Celebrity Gossip Talk Show, or at least get on Conan.

Now, my opinion is pretty clear - Kate Middleton tricked Prince William into marrying he; a scumbag commoner off the filthy, soot-stained brick streets of England, in order that she might be able to learn the secret location of Prince William's gold, and then steal it and escape with it to South America. When this happens, don't say I didn't tell you so. Because I did, right there in fake ink, published forever in the glass-fragile servers of Google.com which could die at any second if a Chinese EMP explodes over their headquarters. Not that such a scenario would actually take place; but sometimes you think to yourself "Google is solid. They'll be around forever." and then one day, you wake up, turn on the news, it all crumbles to dust.

C'est la vie. It just makes me happy that I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm doing better than ever - in fact, this could be the best I've ever felt in my whole life - because I just came back from rock bottom, and now is the time for me to put my fist through the world's chest cavity and conquer it, right in the bum!

ENCYCLOPEDIADRAMATICA DEAD!?

Oh, lulz, what hath ye wrought?


Today, I was horrified when I tried to go the website known as Encyclopediadramatica.com, and was redirected to some random vomit-inducing version that wallows in the manure of political correctness. When did we come to the stipulation that being off-the-wall offensive and unreadable was no longer going to be supported? When did ED go from being absolutely decadent to absolutely decedent?

I wish I could produce a touching montage of all the moments ED and I shared throughout the years, because yes, while growing out my neckbeard and sitting in my mom's basement, growing jabba-like on hot pockets, in between bouts of completely unprovoked trolling on poor innocent souls, I would gander at the beautifully scripted and angelically poetic writings of all those who contributed to what can only be described as a "clusterfuck of wtf and stfu faggot", I laughed. I laughed at all the jokes. I, for one, was touched (inappropriately) by this now-deceased bastion of trolling goodness, and it brings a black emo tear down the side of my milk-white face. Even as I type these horrifically tragic words onto my world-famous blog that everyone reads, I am blasting Hawthorne Heights, and looking apathetically at my bleeding wrists, which I cut with a razor. It's the only way I can feel anything anymore.

From ED, I learned many things about myself. I learned that misanthropy can be hilarious. I learned that Long-Cat is really long. I learned that drawing pictures of half-snake half-human people who are part male and part female and then crying about how no one understands your artwork is nuts. I learned that by taking Computer Science III, I can shut down any website in the world whenever I want. I learned that Harry Potter and his friends are actually gothic kids who are constantly going to muggle concerts. Most importantly, I learned that reciting memes to people doesn't make you cool or funny. Only funniness is funny, and memeiness is akin to fagginess. Now, as brutal as that may sound, I want to be clear: I am not being homophobic by saying "fag". When I say "fag", I am always referring specifically to the English slang for a cigarette. So if I say, for example, "Stop being a fag", I mean "Stop being a cigarette". Confusing? Good. So be reciting memes in chatrooms/omegle, you are not being clever or funny. It is like smoking cigarettes all day, but instead of destorying* your lungs, you're destorying your SOUL.


*note: "destorying" is not a typo. Destorying refers to the act of destroying something so bad that you literally erase it from history, i.e., annihilating it's very story.

LimeWire sued for 75 Trillion dollars

A class-action lawsuit has been filed by several major record labels against Limewire.com, but it feels less like a lawsuit, and more like a really graphic gangbang, because they are suing for approximately 75 Trillion dollars, which is more than the amount of money in the entire world.

Do you really expect this to go through?

"Hell yeah." said a really smooth attorney working as a prosecutor in the case.

If successful, the debt will paid back approximately by 2,000,2011 A.D.

IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY - A very meanie mean critique

It's friday. You know what that means! Time to power-trip on the internet!

As a high-powered ruthless soulless stalkerazzi with no remorse in my heart and no need for sleep or food, I am on a constant power trip. Once, while hiding in Tom Cruise's bushes, I was like "Damn, I'm good." so I don't need any extra power-tripping. If anything, I need medication to take it down a notch, because damn, I'm good. Other people, such as unnamed internet music producers, need to power-trip it up at everyone's expense.

However, the music video for Friday is trippin' like crazy, and also incidentally, is bad in every way humanly possible. Is it worse than genocide? Possibly. Genocide is really, really, really bad. Friday is only really, really bad with two "reallys". But does it deserve the criticism it receives by millions of outraged people/robots?

Yes.

There is theory "out there" which is that all publicity is good publicity. Well, let's put that to the test with this review.

On rating system of 1 to 10 stars, I give Friday a good solid -392,782,281,983,198,452,102,002.45, and I spit upon it with nastiest, snot-filled blob of spittle imaginable. If this were the movie industry, Friday would be the equivalent of Gigli, or perhaps even Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is rumored that Dick Cheney developed Ark Records as a method of torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay so that they will reveal the location of the 500 billion dollars in gold that Osama bin Laden hides in his beard. I suspect this is the case, because when I was chatting with Dick Cheney on AOL back in the day, one of his screen names was TrizzyGangsta13, and the Youtube Channel hosting the abomination known as Friday is Trizzy66. Coincidence!? OR SECRET ILLUMINATI PLOT?

I wish there was a way to take Friday, and turn it into some form of toilet paper, so I could wipe the shit off my ass with it and then watch as it spins down into the toilet never to be seen again except by the sewer-dwelling elite mutant turtle fighting force. But I know that this dream of mine is impossible, because you cannot make toilet paper out of shit. If you did that, you'd be wiping shit with more shit, and then everyone would just agree that it was a terrible invention.

I should clarify that Ark Records barely qualifies as a "record label", but for all intents and purposes, I will to refer to it as such. Also, if any of the girls involved in the production read this by some bizarre twist of fate, I just want to say that you made a very poor life decision, but I hope that you can move on and become stronger as people or something. What I mean is, this isn't like smoking weed in high school; this is like smoking crack in high school. I hope this analogy provides you with some perspective on how poor the decision to be involved in this project was.

Now, some of the other critiques of Friday have been fairly brutal, so I'm going to tone mine down and keep it sweet and simple. First of all, I do not wish any of the grizzly fates some incredibly insensitive people have suggested befall Ms. Black, but maybe like, maybe she could get stung by large number of bees or something. I, of course, would not release the bees personally, and would never involve myself in anything involving bees. Then again, I'd rather work with bees for the rest of my life rather than be even a lowly stage-hand in the production of Friday.

Rebecca Black's voice is horrendous, and sounds like a room full of people singing "Happy Birthday" out of tune. Her voice is the reason Simon Cowell quit American Idol. Her voice is the reason Christina Aguilera will quit NBC's The Voice. Her voice is the reason for the recent Tsunami/Earthquake/Nuclear disaster in Japan. I can barely believe that's her actual voice. I'm almost positive the original track was sung by a choir of mentally handicapped people, and she merely lip-synched over it.

The song itself was written by a 3-year-old girl with a red crayon on a piece of yellow construction paper. Then it was slapped down on the wooden crate Trizzy uses for a desk in what can be described as a "barely functional office space" and he was all like "This shit is genius! Let me just bust a rhyme on this track and it'll go platinum!" and then they did some elaborate handshake.

Then they spammed the shit out of the internet. Oh boy, did they ever spam. OH, don't worry that everyone thinks the video is a flaming pile of dung that will be the end of civilization itself, at least you got almost 60 million views (so far), and that's all that matters, right? 60 million is such a big number. And you earned it. So pop some bubbly and give the middle finger to all the haters, because hot damn, that number is big. You did it. You got the big number.

Rage Against Charlie Sheen

Yes.

February was a boring and heavily-medicated month for me, but this month has been blowing up with headlines about one man: Charlie effing Sheen. For an intense celebrity-obsessed blogger like myself, I could not physically bring my fingers to resist the urge to type a post about Chuckie Sheen's wild antics, and BLOW THEM WILDLY OUT OF PROPORTION.

First of all, I get Charlie Sheen. He's just like me, except much older, has been in movies, lives on the other side of the country, is a different person, is much richer, owns a car, etc., but we're basically the same. I know what's going on in that brain of his. I see through that paper-thin facade. It's pretty obvious to me that Charlie Sheen -- and I am going on the official record as saying this shit -- is doing drugs again.

Is that slander? I don't know. We'll let our high-powered Jewish Lawyerbots battle it out in the streets of Tokyo to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'm just going to throw that out there, cuz it's ma opinion and I'm usually never wrong. This one time, a girl told me she knew Clay Aiken was straight, and I was like "Uh, no, he's gay." and look who's laughing all the way to the gay bank now? Me.

Now look, I know a lot of people are fanz of Charlie Sheen. He has a certain... uh... sheen... to him, and he was on the hilarious-for-awhile-then-gag-inducingly-repetitive hit show Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen as himself almost literally. All he had to do to get into character was show up at the studio and drink a glass of Jack Daniels, and -bam-, Charlie Sheen was ready to get on stage. Due to his personal life being an out of control party of hookers and cocaine (my opinion), he was promptly fired by Donald Trump from the show. Personally, I blame the economy for this layoff, and more importantly, I blame Obama. Damn you, Obama! You spent 800 billion dollars to bail out banks that got us into this mess, but didn't spend one cent to bail out Charlie Sheen. Why? America deserves answers, answers we're not getting, unless we go to protest outside the Black House (Formerly known as the White House) and PROTEST OUR ASSES OFF.

Who can possibly fill the gaping hole that is Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? Here's my opinion. No one. Only Charlie Sheen can show up to work and act in a role which is himself. Rob Lowe cannot show up to the set and be Charlie Sheen. That doesn't work, unless this an alternate dimension that we've stepped over into by warping time and space through a quantum experiment gone horribly wrong, which it's not! Just let the show die. The jokes have all been done to death, and while they were all funny and hilarious at first, IT'S OVER. LET IT GO, CBS, OR WHICHEVER NETWORK OWNS THAT SHOW. IT'S OVER. CAPS.

I AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR MAGGIE'S FARM NO MORE

I'm sick of working on Maggie's farm. It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor.

SO I QUIT.

What a month...

It's been quite a rough month for me personally, but also as a professional stalkerazzi. The amount of juicy celeb info I've been able to obtain has been greatly reduced by my frequent doctor visits, and taking medications, then switching medications, then changing the medication dosages.

Like, dang.

The Hot Girl of the Week is becoming more like "Hot Girl of the Month", and to be honest, if I did it weekly, I'd probably run out really fast, and then end up having to feature Jennifer Aniston or someone that everyone is sick of.

Yes, I'm thrilled with Jennifer Aniston's amazing weight loss, but c'mon. C'mon. Friends was canceled years ago. She divorced Brad Pitt years ago. What does she have left? NOTHING. NOTHING, I SAY. It's OVER, Aniston!! YOU HEAR ME, OVARRRRRR.

On a side note, I wanna just, like, say that I think, like, it was like totally wrong and uncool of Brad to leave Jennifer for Angelina. I mean, c'mon. C'mon. The thing about Angelina Jolie, is, to be honest, she looks kind of weird, like she's part reptilian. Now, I know it's possible that the Reptilians are scouting out planet Earth for when Tiamat (aka Niburu is coming aka Planet X) crosses paths with Earth in 2012, leading to an all-out interstellar conflict that will end all of humanity. I'm fairly sure Brad is aware of this information, however, for reasons unknown to us, has chosen to ignore it. Perhaps he believes that if he finds favor with the Lizard-beings, that they will have mercy and spare him instead of sending him to their death factories to be ground into a hamburger-like food substance. This, of course, is folly. And that, my friends, is why Brad was totally wrong to leave Jen.

Diet Oatmeal

...tastes exactly like shit.

If you're on a diet, you're forced to eat horrible food. As you may know, Hollywood Actresses never diet. Their method of preparation for movie roles involves a personal trainer feeling them up as they lift tiny weights, and a weak gag reflex. Only lowly non-celebrities attempt to diet, and it fails exactly 100% of the time, and that's a scientific fact, like how toast always falls jelly-side down.

Some of the horrible food used on diets are: Grapefruits (ew), Celery (gag), Yogurt (disgusting), Soy (Garbage), Sugar-Free Gum (fuqqin nazztii), and of course, more low-fat low sugar foods.

So, okay, I wanted to eat some oatmeal, but there was none, but there was diet oatmeal. I always keep some diet oatmeal on the shelf in case I run out of cat litter, and the cat needs something to crap into. Today, I made the ghastly error of deciding to try it out.

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being delicious, and 1 being vomit-inducing, it was around -3. It is rumored that David Carradine killed himself because he had some diet oatmeal. Diet oatmeal is what America tortures terrorists with, and is rumored to have been developed by Dick Cheney himself. This stuff is absolute crap in terms of flavor. If diet oatmeal was a person auditioning for American Idol, Simon would quit, and in fact, that's why he DID quit. More people hate diet oatmeal than Justin Bieber and Andy Dick's mutant asshole hate-child (I would call it a love-child, but that just seemed wrong). If diet oatmeal went to high school, he would be shoved in the lockers by the teachers and the principle, and when he turns in his term paper, it would break the school grading system, and they would have to invent a new letter lower than F, possibly G. After this, the teacher would be all "Get out of my classroom." and pull out a shotgun, and diet oatmeal would run out the door crying but would fart with every step. Then he would get home, and his father would beat him without mercy after seeing diet oatmeal's grades, that is, if diet oatmeal's father hadn't committed suicide from the disgrace of having such a failure of a son that turned all his drinking/poker buddies against him. Diet oatmeal's mother, of course, would be knitting a sweater for her son that reads "I suck", because diet oatmeal has a face that even his own mother thought was so hideous that it convinced her to sell her most valuable and dearest possessions to scrape up enough money to get surgery to get her tubes tied and take out her ovaries and place them in a vault that was dropped into an active volcano in the Pacific Ocean, which caused the volcano to erupt so violently that it created a brand-new continent.

Verdict: Guilty of killing Nicole

Reggio's Frozen Pizzas have finally fallen as the king of terrible nasty food.

Hey, whatever happened to Paris Hilton?

Hey, remember Paris Hilton?

















No Official Certified Profession Celebrity Gossip Blog would be complete without Paris Hilton. It would be like breakfast without bacon. It would be like be like Geraldo Rivera without a mustache. It would be like Paris Hilton without a penis in her vagina. Unfortunately for myself, and everyone else, Paris Hilton has been quieter than a church mouse, and you all know how quiet mice are when they're breaking into a church to eat that stale bread before it can transmogrify into the body of Christ. Those bastards.

Paris Hilton first made her first cerebral scars onto the cranium of America in 2003, with her hit reality-series The Simple Life, which chronicled her heart-warming journey of self-discovery on a rural farm along with sidekick Nicole "Holocaust Victim" Richie, torn from the luxurious glamour of their normal lives. However, instead of learning about simple living, the duo learned nothing, which seems to be a recurring theme.

The fame bestowed on them caused them to be on the cover of every magazine, even the sciencey ones. It seemed like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, Bliss (caused by ignorance), and apparently, night-vision cameras. But out of the blue, they vanished from the headlines.

Leaving an empty hole in my heart...


As a matter of fact...
















Hey, whatever happened to Tara Reid?

Last time I heard, she had a bit of a nipple slip during a red carpet event, where it took her several hours before she realized her boob was showing. The boob flash made one thing very clear: she got plastic surgery done by the same doctor who created The Human Centipede. Upon further photo analysis, she had other operations that seriousssss screwed up her body.

This is tragic. Tara Reid, while not being particularly bright, is very pretty, and she's RUINING it. I'd almost rather see Larry King naked, but OH WAIT, I already have! DAMN YOU, JON STEWART!

Still, Tara Reid's botched boobs/stomach are nothing compared to Paris Hilton's bizarre-looking other-worldly purple vagina. A normal, healthy vagina is surrounded by a beautiful soft pink/peach. Paris Hilton's vagina, however, is surrounded by dark purple flaps of skin that would flop around if there was a breeze blowing. It's like what would happen if you took the black gums in the mouths of dogs and used that tissue to make a vulva.

In short, it's an abomination to humanity.

Also, in even shorter, where are these girls? We need them to return, for the sake of all that is good and right in this world.

Penguins

You're welcome.

I'm on drugs and I just ate at Arby's

Well, it happened.

Before you get too excited, I already lost my ass virginity, so it's not that. I got the very first doses of my meds, so if you ever wondered "Why won't that kid just shut up and take his pills?", then let me just elaborate on the point that I had no pills to take up until this point, but now I do. Also, I'm writing this while being high. So if I throw in a weird-ass nonsensical out-of-place sentence about a giant Obamabot fighting a giant Penguin in the streets of Tokyo before realizing it was a girl giant penguin, and subsequently, destroying the entire city in a giant night-vision-goggle sex-video apocalypse, don't blame me.

Also, I just ate Arby's.

Today, I saw a news story about how Taco Bell's taco may or may not contain actual beef, but rather, "seasoned beef product" or some such nonsense. This made me think. Artificial food tastes delicious, and I want to know how I can make some of my own "beef product". I know that it involves a huge amount of high-fructose corn syrup and possible ground-up internal goat organs.

Now, some people may object to eating processed food upon discovering what's in it, but those people are too picky. That's why they're not eating fresh vegetables in the first place. I, on the other hand, realize that Fast Food is by far our most successful industry, and I think we should put Fast Food somewhere in the Pledge of Allegiance. There was this truck commercial that said "America got two things right: trucks and freedom". Wrong on both counts. The thing we got right was Fast Food, and to lesser extent, our ability to borrow an infinite amount of money from the Chinese. It's okay though; they're basically powerless against us, because if they ever demanded we pay back the debt, we'd instantly cut off their supply of cats and their population would starve off within days.

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

It's part of the conspiracy, man. You think your Government is telling you the truth? If you answer "Yes", then you need to get really, really, really high and then listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon while watching The Wizard Of Oz in sync, and you'll be all like "Oh shit". Think about this: the Humane Society goes around abducting millions, possibly billions (possibly trillions) of stray cats and dogs off da streetz everyday, to hold them for "adoption". If they aren't adopted, they tell us that they put the animals to sleep, which is Humane Society code for "We kill 'em. We kill 'em dead". In reality, all the animals are loaded onto a C-130 Transport Plane and flown to China to be turned into the meat for the Taco Bell franchises in mainland China. The spare cat parts are a regular part of the diet. Eggrolls? It's loaded with cat tongue meat. General Tso's "Chicken"? Cat penis. Won Ton Soup? Cat eyeballs. Kung Pow Chicken? Cat testicles + whiskers.

So, in closing, be sure to adopt a cat, or Sarah McLachlan is going to sing a super-sad song on TV while showing images of kittens until you die.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Warning: A post reeks of bad judgment. This post.


I know what you're thinking. "What a fool." you muse to yourself as you sip your herbal tea and adjust your glasses, because you presume yourself to be an intellectual. Well, you're not. You're a dirty bitch with AIDS. I can do anything I want, because this is America, and anarchy reigns in the streets. The other day, I saw a baby selling cigarettes. I saw a dog with only two legs eating a basketball for nourishment. I saw store owner smash his own window with a piece of furniture from his own store.

Anyyyyhow, every team needs a rebel; someone who just butts heads with everyone else, possibly due to having their blood infused with ram DNA. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles had Michelangelo. NWA had Ice Cube. The View has Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is the Ice Cube of The View.

Like most civilized nations, we deal with our anger through physical violence and blind rage and destruction. That's why we love watching Jerry Springer. However, whenever Politics is discussed, it never ends in knives being pulled. Imagine if Alan Colmes stabbed Sean Hannity on live TV. You can't. It just never happens. That is why people have so much penned-up rage when it comes to Politics, because they have no way of constructively channeling their emotions into a single Buddhist Palm technique that leaves a giant handprint-crater in the ground.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck discusses Politics, and therefore, 50% of the population hates her. The other 50% supports her, because they gotta stay true 2 tha game. Well, interestingly enough, I never really gave a damn until a friend explained to me that he found Elizabeth Hasselbeck attractive, and I was all "wuuuuuutttt" but then I had to say that I was inclined to agree with his disposition to initiate his phallic engorgement systems when visualizing her presence. Also, this friend was a hxc conservative who was trying to convince me that we need to carpet bomb Iran, but that's another story for another post. Personally, I don't think dropping carpets on a country that exports Persian Rugs would be very effective; it'd be like using Rock Slide against a Rhynadon.

In short, this has nothing to with politics.

Now with that out of the way, let me just give the facts: Elizabeth Hasselbeck was born sometime around 10 to 50 years ago in a small village in rural Thailand, which was burned by bandits. Hasselbeck was then raised by Tigers in the jungle, and taught to rip raw meat from the bones of an elephant using her teeth. She was then offered a job as a host on The View, a show where allegedly intelligent women discuss the issues of the day. Hasselbeck quickly bonded with the other ladies of the show, and they all loved her and everyone held hands and danced in a circle while wearing all white, and wearing a ring of flowers on their heads.

If I could give any advice to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, it would be: Never admit you're wrong about anything. As soon as you do, the socialists have won.

I don't think Elizabeth Hasselbeck and myself would be compatible because, to be honest, I would just haul off and smack her. Like, I would just abruptly fly into a Chris Brown level of rage and beat her without mercy or shame. But not really. That would be wrong. I'm just not into blondes... oh wait... I can't use that excuse... uhm...

Okay, she's just too stupid. There, I said it.

GaGa news

There will be a new Lady GaGa album on February 16th, 2011. Be sure to pirate it and then upload the tracks to Youtube with horribly misspelled lyrics so I can listen to them.

How to be a Rapper: A Quick Make-Up Tutorial

Are you sick of being a douchebag? Do you want all your friends to think you're cool?














Hmm, yeah?

Then you may want to consider a career as a Professional Hip-Hop Artist, also known as a Rapper, or an Emcee, or, in some rare instances, A Very Musical Gangster. You know some hardcore gang bangers have music in them; we all do, and that's what makes the human imagination so magical, even the imaginations of those guys who go around shooting people.

Note: Not all rappers are gangsters, and not all gangsters are rappers. If you ever took an IQ test, you'd realize that, SON.

So, look, 2012 is coming soon, and there may not be much time to pursue your dreams, and Randy Quaid has been exiled to Canada, so he won't be able to save us this time, so if you ever want to make your dreams of banging Miss Info and possibly a Kardashian sister come true, you need to get your rap career started quick.

I'm convinced that becoming a rapper is easy. You don't have to sing, dance, write your music, do anything, etc., in order to be successful. All you need is to follow The Formula. No one knows who invented The Formula, because so many people take credit for it, myself included, so let's just say that it was invented by Bill Gates. For instance, consider that Lil Wayne is the Best Rapper Alive. This is a fact, because it was confirmed by Lil Wayne himself, who also began the rumor that he was the Best Rapper Alive, despite this title being disputed by everyone else, even rappers on his own label. But that's part of hip-hop! Even if everyone else in the world is totally against what flies out of your mouth, The Laws of Hip-Hop dictate that you must "fuck 'em all" (Not sexually) and go against the grain. Well, anyhow! Lil Wayne went on the Tim Westwood show and had this to say when asked to do a "freestyle" live:

"I don't even know how to rap!"

And he wasn't even kidding.

If you are unfamiliar with freestyling, it is the act of rapping live, but not using any pre-meditated rhymes, which means you make it up as you go along. Lil Wayne busted out this freestyle:

[long pause]
[laughs]
Okay...
Welcome to the Carter
Little shoppa [unintelligible]
Bloody like a period, after [Dee Arthur!?]
Doctor, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog!
Not George Town, but I'm-a Uptown hood
[Laughs]
Like the law and my lawyers
I got them come be my employers
Freestylin', for ya know, know me
No, no, only for Monique
More of the money I get, I got that
Yeah, like a pot and a pan, I rock that
Yeah, I back with my bus driver, where to go?
[long pause]
[takes a sip of drink]
They diminish, I replenish
Scientific, I'm out this world, homes
AND I WEAR BRIGHT RED, LIKE A GIRL TOE! NO HOMO!
My fingernails dirty cuz I been counting dirty money since 12:30
a.m., weigh them, if they show up, take them, right back spray him, amen!
I just do my Wayne, and every time I do it, I do my thang!
YEAH.
[takes a drink]
[wipes sweat from forehead from intense concentration]


Now, just imagine him saying these rhymes very slowly, and out of rhythm. I know some of the lines didn't even rhyme or make any sense, but it's hard out there for a rapper, who's just trying to make a buck, or several million.

Okay, here we go.

1 - Everything has to be in Black and White.






















Pretty simple, right?


2 - You must wear an oversized white t-shirt, baggy jeans, old gym shoes, a leather jacket, a baseball cap, and a gold necklace at all times.

3 - You must drive a fly mercedes and fill it with fly ladies.

4 - Tell everyone that you're a rapper, even if they don't ask. Just go around freestyling all the time and telling people that you're a rapper, possibly the best. If they get annoyed, call them a hater and tell them that "they'll be sorry someday soon".

5 - You must talk like you are from The Hood at all times. If you talk in a non-Hood voice, then everyone from The Hood will know that you're faking it, so don't ever even use your non-Hood voice, ever!

6 - Look at people like this:
















If anyone asks why you're looking at them that way, just say "I'm a rapper", and they'll totally understand.

7 - Have swagger. Swagger isn't just walking really weird, it's an attitude. People have to feel your aura, so that they automatically know how fly of a rapper you is. I mean "are".

8 - Copy everything that Jay-Z does, but pretend that you don't, and then tell people that you're a Nas fan.













"My name is Hov. How are you?"


9 - Always hang out at clubs and with models. Never hang out with computer nerds, emo kids, and old white men, unless of course, those old white men are Tim Westwood.


10 - Unfortunately, there may come a time when you need actual rap lyrics to spew out of your mouth. On the bright side, it's EZ!!! Just find a bunch of words that sound cool and rhyme, then just start throwing them together. Here are a few to get you started:

Club - Bub (Short for Bubbly, which is short for Champagne)
Shorty - For me (It works, just slur it)
Rims - Trim (You should be using this to refer to a fly shorty)
Car - Bar
Cat - Hat
Girl - Twirl
Heezy - Sheezy
You know - Fo Sho
Flo - Show
Go - Ho
Bitch - Rich
Rocks - Glocks
Nuts - Butts

I hope that helped.

If you are still confused on how to write a rap song, don't worry. Just say "I'm a dog!" like 80 times, and probably some people will still think it's a decent freestyle. For your songs, just get a Canadian to write your rap lyrics, because they have unlimited marijuana up there, which boosts their creativity +3

THE END

NO, LINDSAY, NO!

My sources tell me that Lindsay Lohan has been spotted hangin' out again with Sam Ronson, Lesbo DJ Extraordinaire. As you probably know, they had a full-on lesbian relationship, complete with combat boots and power tools, which is totally fine, because we all know that gays are just born that way, and it's not a choice. Kind of... I mean, Lindsay Lohan dated boys for a long while, and then she suddenly became a lesbian with Sam Ronson, so apparently, you can choose to be gay?

Sam Ronson (left) may appear to be a very pleasant person by her evil scowl, but believe me, she is no angel! Remember, all angels are men, so that would be impossible. Also, she works for clubs. Something you should know about clubs is that they go under the guise of "a place where music is played really loud so people can dance", but in reality, it's a place to get super-drunk, super-wasted and then find someone to bring back to your apartment for some hot hot sexing. Maybe two people. It is a well-known fact, though, that all those people who go there have AIDS.

So, if we EVER want to see Herbie The Lovebug 2: Dance To The Beetle, then we have to keep Lindsay free of AIDS and extacy!

My Grandma sent me a Facebook friend request

I feel like we're living in a backwards, upside-down universe where the sky is green and the grass is blue, where women pursue men so that they can stick their vaginas into the men's penises, and where environmentalism is practical.

Now, there's really nothing to consider. I have to accept my Grandma as a friend on Facebook, or else I will be killed by a Colombian firing squad in some remote jungle military camp. On the plus side, they would probably give me a last request and I'd be like "Dude, you got any cocaine around here?" and they'd be like "Dude! Cocaine is everywhere. These clothes I'm wearing are made of cocaine. There is cocaine in the dirt. Just by taking a deep breath, you are sniffing a nearly-lethal amount of cocaine." and I'd be all "Sweet." and then ask to sniff some cocaine off of a secret button that plunges Colombia into the ocean. Then I'd hit the button with my nose and they'd be like "JESUS NO." as the swirling, crashing waves engulf us.

So, I'll probably stall a lot and say I haven't used Facebook in weeks, and then finally accept and then lose all my street cred.

Arizona Shooter's Rant Translated!

A couple days ago, there was a truly horrendous shooting that took place in Arizona. Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, along with 14 other people, were shot at point blank range when a gunman began opening fire during a "meet and greet" session being held by the Congresswoman.

The shooter, 22-year-old Jared Loughner, released a series of videos before the shooting talking about something, which has stumped and mystified experts in the media and in various academic circles. I'm not sure why academics create circles, or what happens in those circles, but that's not important. What's important is that I am going to translate what Loughner's rants actually mean!

"Firstly, the current government officials are in power for their currency, but I'm informing you for your new currency! If you're treasurer of a new money system, then you're responsible for the distributing of a new currency. We now know - the treasurer for a new money system, is the distributor of the new currency. As a result, the people approve a new money system which is promising new information that's accurate, and we truly believe in a new currency. Above all, you have your new currency, listener? "

What this means is that we vote people into office because we subliminally think that they will put their face on the dollar bills, and so we pick the most attractive candidate so that our dollar bills won't be ugly.

Loughner also goes onto say that because some treasurer (who could be me, or someone else. he just says 'you', so I assumed he was speaking directly to me, kind of like the people in commercials do) is going to make a new kind of money, "the people" approve of it. Well, that makes perfect sense to me. If I made a new kind of money, I expect people to approve of it. That's just common sense. You don't want to be rude and say my new money sucks.

"Secondly, my hope - is for you to be literate! If you're literate in English grammar, then you comprehend English grammar. The majority of people, who reside in District 8, are illiterate - hilarious. I don't control your English grammar structure, but you control your English grammar structure."

Pretty straightforward. Loughner is being sarcastic and is joking about his illiteracy. Obviously, you don't just throw a random dash into the middle of a sentence for no reason, and then follow it with a redundancy like "If you know English, then you understand English".

He mentions the prawns of District 8 being illiterate. He obviously did extensive research to come to that conclusion.

He then mentions how he doesn't control the structure of my grammar, which I didn't realize. Up until this point, I was sure he was controlling my grammar's structure, but then he let me know that no, he doesn't. I do. I control my own grammar structure, and can arrange sentences in any manner I choose, like this: bob hi name my, outside building go want to orange juice?

"Thirdly, I know who's listening: Government Officials, and the People. Nearly all the people, who don't know this accurate information of a new currency, aren't aware of mind and brainwash methods. If I have my civil rights, then this message wouldn't have happen."

Also fairly straightforward: Big Brother brainwashed you through Jay-Z music and now you can't comprehend having a new currency.

Major English grammar mistake: Ending a verb with an improper future-tense.

"In conclusion, my ambition - is for informing literate dreamers about a new currency; in a few days, you know I'm conscience dreaming! Thank you!"

Again, a completely random and unnecessary hyphen/dash in a sentence for no reason. Then again, The Government probably brainwashed me into believing I can't just throw punctuation into my sentence in a manner that defies logic or explanation.

Finally, he says that in a few days, he will go on a killing spree while sleep walking, because if you tell everyone that you're sleepwalking in advance, they can't really blame you for your actions legally, because you didn't even know you were doing it.


There are more rants, and here are a few highlights from them:

"If the B.C.E. years are unable to start, then the A.D.E. years are unable to begin."

This simply means that if the years before Christ's birth did not happen, then the years afterwards would also not happen, because the past has to happen before the present. Duh.

"The argument to call me a terrorist is Ad hominem"

This means if you call him a "terrorist", then you are ignoring the facts (that he uses violence to spread a radical message) and are focusing on attacking his character.

"If I'm the mind controller, then I control the belief and the religion."

Another "Well, duh" moment.



I would like to close a serious note though, because even though his rants rival Cho Seung-Hui's in terms of sheer craziness (To a point where's it's quite comical), there is obviously a very real tragedy that happened.

I myself have serious concerns about the currency of the United States because of inflation, but I would never shoot anyone, or behave violently because of it -- because that's just nuts -- and I would encourage everyone with similar concerns to approach the subject calmly, and with an objective and peaceful solution that you are willing to work hard for.

The Government isn't brainwashing us. If they were, then they would tell us that Democracy is evil, and that following a dictator is good, and then take over the country. Some people are so egotistical though, that they believe everyone else to be intellectually inferior, and think they've uncovered some amazing secret about society that nobody else sees because we're all just a bunch of brainwashed morons.

I personally feel very sad for everyone who lost family members, and I really hope the outpouring of compassion towards them will help bring them some comfort. I also hope the best for the Congresswoman, and hope she makes a full recovery. I could say that I hope that nothing like this ever happens again, but that would be naive; tragedies are part of life, and will continue to happen despite our best efforts. I'm not even sure we get really "get" something out of this or even learn from it. The only thing I hope for, personally, is that the people who are injured will survive and recover, and that the people who have lost loved ones be comforted.