Kate Middleton Gives Birth to The Antichrist, Destroys All Dissent

London, UK - A birth in the Royal Family is so often a joyous occasion in jolly ol' England, but Kate Middleton, that filthy commoner, has defiled Prince William's Royal Penis, whose sperm was ordained by God to only enter the uterus of royalty, not some insolent street-rat. However, much to the dismay of the Kings and Queens across Europe and the globe, some half-blood was born in a London hospital around last Thursday, and is scheduled to be ordained as the heir to the throne on 12/21/12. The Mayans knew this would happen. The ceremony will involve a young virgin being brought before the child, and her throat is to be slit, and the blood to be sprinkled onto the baby's forehead.

The brave citizens of England have been reduced to a quivering mass of trembling blubber in the wake of the Antichrist's birth, but one brave radio station was brave and bravely prank-called the hospital where Kate Middleton was staying, and using a poor impression of the Queen of England, they kindly asked the nurse to smother the baby. The nurse, believing it to actually be the real Queen of England, immediately grabbed a pillow and ran for the delivery room. Upon getting wind of this plot, Middleton relocated the nurse to a cozy cottage in Scotland, where her identity and whereabouts remain unknown, however, it was officially reported that the nurse committed suicide because of the prank call, causing the radio station to get into all sorts of trouble. Middleton laughed wickedly as their careers were destroyed, believing the suicide to be real.

MAY THE TRUTH PREVAIL.

LINDSAY LOHAN ARRESTED AGAIN

According to like, everyone, Lindsay Lohan was arrest yet again around last Thursday for what can only be described as "The crime of the century" by master detective Sherlock Holmes. According to Holmes, Ms. Lohan was plotting to steal the Crown Jewels by impersonating the Queen of England. Purportedly, Lohan's plan was to age extremely rapidly by smoking an obscene amount of cigarettes and illegal drugs, such as the marijuanas, and other lethal drugs that can kill you instantly. Then, when she was to reach the appearance of an 80-year-old woman, she was to dress up as the Queen herself, and simply walk into Buckingham Palace, where that tramp Kate Middleton resides, and steal the Crown Jewels, and I'm not talking about Prince Charles' testicles.

According to Perez Hilton of PerezHilton.org/unicornboy34, the solution to Lindsay Lohan's misbehavior is to "lock her up". Well, I say this to you all: Lindsay Lohan is an amazing actress and a semi-beautiful young attractive woman, and therefore, no jail time should be allotted to her. She is not black, nor an unattractive male, some I think we need to show some leeway in throwing down these ridiculous sentences on her being shouted by some crazed lynch-mob that is probably just made up of confused WTO protesters who got lost.

Clearly, the only good solution is to execute her via firing squad. No trial, no rehab, none of this silliness. Of course, this practice is illegal in the United States, so we may have to use our CIA connections with some god-awful third-world regime to do the dirty deed.

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Random Kate Middleton Pictures

This is England's Princess Kate Middleton of Chesterweschter or whatever. It's not important. What I'm really concerned about is the legacy of the Royal Family, because without them, the people of England would have billions of extra pounds (What those blokes call their dollars) that they would use to buy America and turn it into a dystopian nightmare out of the acid-induced visions of George Orwell. I'm talking like, we'd have electric cars and watch dog races on network television. If that happened, I'd go deep underground and start a gorilla war. Yes, I meant to say "gorilla". If you have no idea what a gorilla war is, then you need go back to kindergarten and start over with finger-painting. Here's the real reason I'm saying all of this: I don't trust Kate Middleton and neither should you. Prince William has royal blood and is constantly injecting his royal semen into Kate Middleton's non-royal muffin. She is a filthy commoner. We all know this, but no one wants to say anything. They're afraid that black vans are going to pull up and men in dark suits will have a firm, but polite talk with you about judging the character of others. I'm not afraid though. How could royalty fall in love with non-royalty? The answer is obvious: she is a Soviet-trained super-agent waiting to be activated on Day X, and steal all of Prince William's precious gold. All she would have to do is find the location of the gold, and stuff a little bit of it into her pocket every day, then "go for a little stroll", in which she delivers the gold to her contacts with the secret Colombian underground druglords. In short, Prince William was seduced by a mistress of seduction, who is about to shock the world by stealing all of his gold.

Until then, enjoy these pictures of Kate Middleton's diverse range of fashion:

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith DIVORCE SCANDAL OMG

After approximately 34 years of holy matrimony (and mattress moaning - OHHHH!!!!) Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith ARE getting a divorce. As a matter of fact, they released this statement:

"Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumors circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact."

"Our marriage is intact" should always be followed by "...and we love each other very much, yo." but that statement was omitted. Also, curiously, the statement "...and we are not considering divorce." was also not present. Also, the statement "...go Lakers!" was absent as well. This can only mean one thing: a big-ass Hollywood divorce is going down and Jada Pinkett is going to have to move to China to work in a factory, because obviously, they don't have enough people over there. Then Jaden will do all the stuff he did in the new Karate Kid movie for real, then come back to America and beat the crap out of that dickhead Marc Anthony, who broke up the greatest Hollywood romance in history: Bennifer. GODDAMN YOU, MARC ANTHONY, YOU DESERVE TO GET HIT BY ONE OF THOSE TINY ELECTRIC CARS AND SUFFER A BROKEN TIBIA. WHY, GOD, WHY!? IT HURTS SO GOOD.

To make a long story short, Marc Anthony works on Jada's hit TV show... uhm... whatever it's called... and they decided to get drunk and do some sex. When Will found out, he got so mad that he single-handedly destroyed an alien civilization. Soon, the marriage was in turmoil. And that's the story all about how his life got turned upside-down.

I don't even care that JLo and Marc got divorced. She broke Ben's heart, and in a way, she broke America's heart. When Spencer and Heidi got divorced, I was like "Uh, saw that one coming." and I can't even begin to tell you how inevitable it is that Prince William is going to divorce Kate Middleton once he realizes that she tricked him into marrying her so that she could steal his gold and run off to South America.

I'm back

I think it's time to dust off the old Juicy Celebrity Gossipz blog and do this.

Do this.

Some pretty epic stuff happened while I was on hiatus; Kate Middleton married Prince William, probably to steal his gold, Ryan Dunn died, Amy Winehouse died, that lady who killed her baby was pronounced "not guilty".

Truthfully, (and this is honest truth), I kind of got sidetracked during my trip to England to get close to the royal wedding, but it turns out that royal security is somewhat more competent than the guards in the movies. Kate Middleton's wedding dress was the subject of much speculation, but I had my suspicions what it would look like, which turned out to be correct: her dress was white. I can't even believe I didn't blog about that. I would be rich right now if I made that prediction, because my blog would become famous and I would get my own Celebrity Gossip Talk Show, or at least get on Conan.

Now, my opinion is pretty clear - Kate Middleton tricked Prince William into marrying he; a scumbag commoner off the filthy, soot-stained brick streets of England, in order that she might be able to learn the secret location of Prince William's gold, and then steal it and escape with it to South America. When this happens, don't say I didn't tell you so. Because I did, right there in fake ink, published forever in the glass-fragile servers of Google.com which could die at any second if a Chinese EMP explodes over their headquarters. Not that such a scenario would actually take place; but sometimes you think to yourself "Google is solid. They'll be around forever." and then one day, you wake up, turn on the news, it all crumbles to dust.

C'est la vie. It just makes me happy that I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm doing better than ever - in fact, this could be the best I've ever felt in my whole life - because I just came back from rock bottom, and now is the time for me to put my fist through the world's chest cavity and conquer it, right in the bum!

Kate Middleton to wed Prince William!? SCANDAL IN THE ROYAL FAMILY

Today, in boring stuffy British royalty news, Prince William of Prince Di fame has decided to marry a filthy commoner by the name of Kate Middleton.

As shown in this photograph, it is not clear whether or not Prince William is truly British, due to his very clean almost American-like teeth. I can only conclude that the Royal Family was able to obtain a toothbrush by invading Argentina or something, and that toothbrush was handed down for generations to keep the Royal Mouths clean, and free of Royal Bacteria.

The engagement was announced today, although, apparently, it had been kept secret for some time, because they didn't want people gossiping about... oops.





Well, it's too late now...

I'm already at it, so I might as well beg the question: Did Kate Middleton seduce William into marrying her so she could steal his gold!? Will there be another secret assassination conspiracy!? Is the British Monarchy in peril!? Is the British Monarchy a waste of everybody's time!?

Find out next time, kids. Same bat time, same bat channel.