Little Girl Amazed by Mitt Romney's Asshole

 Mitt Romney is running for President. If he wins, he has promised to set everyone on fire, put a sickle to all of our crops, and sell the United States of America to Albania for money that he will use for meth. But we don't discuss politics here. Well, not normally. We do, however, discuss politicians. The problem with politicians is that they are usually very unsexy and boring. Occasionally, politicians say crazy things that make you question their very sanity, or use their power to seduce and have sex with many, many women that aren't their wife. 

In this case, something very special happened. This little girl, as seen above, got a good look into the dark pit of Mitt Romney's asshole, and it was glorious. It's heavenly radiance shown brighter than the sun, but the golden rays of love and goodness irradiating out of his rectum were only the beginning. The Massachusetts Governor's anus was filled with unicorns - real unicorns! There were little men making candy and baking cookies, and handing out Hello Kitty back-packs for FREE. Mitt Romney was delighted to let all the children get a look into that beautiful portal. The little girl said of the incident, "I was like 'oh my god! that's Mitt Romney's butthole! And like, I saw a pegasus-horse flying in there, and golden fairies playing beautiful music on cellos in a grassy meadow filled with butterflies. I was just filled with this feeling of peace, and like, joy. It was just peace and joy and I want to crawl in there and live in there forever!"

 Moar liek:

Sarah Palin Gets Naked For America

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and present-day Fox News Contributor has shocked the nation with her raunchy photoshoot showing the former Governor's more natural physical attributes. Palin  has been crusading to keep tuna fish in schools, after lawmakers threatened to ban tuna fish sandwiches in public schools because, according to the superintendent of a school district in Columbus, OH, "They smell like puke." which received little attention until one day, Sarah Palin was giving a speech to a small and very bored drowsy little audience, who yielded little enthusiasm until Mrs. Palin decided to remove her clothes. "I had to get their attention, and boy did that do the trick!" Palin commented afterwards, adding, "This has really brought a lot of attention to the pro-tuna grizzly moms around America who want to make sure their kids are getting a proper daily nutrition of tuna."

To keep the pro-tuna movement alive, Palin has made a number of appearances around country, giving speeches, and stripping completely naked, revealing her naked boobs and vagina to thousands of people. "We thought Sarah Palin might be losing relevance," Conservative commentator Ricky Barney said on Fox's Say Whatever You Want program, "this just shows that even during a big election like this one, a woman can still stay relevant to the national dialogue. That says a lot about how far we've come as a country. She is truly an innovator on the political landscape of this great nation, and her pussy is in surprisingly good shape."

Palin allegedly put in 40 days of training and dieting to prepare it for full-frontal nudity, as she has pledged to maximize her attractiveness during her country-wide tour to save tuna fish sandwiches in schools. When asked if she would continue getting completely naked or possibly even escalating her theater to lewd sex acts, the former Governor smiled brightly, her perky tits jiggling back and forth as she shifted her sitting position and answered, "You betcha! These kids in school deserve real American tuna. I'll do whatever I can to make sure the naysayers in the mainstream media get real and start telling the truth!"

Democrats argue that her nudity actually distracts from the issue of the Separation of Tuna and State, as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Believing with you that the consumption of tuna is a matter which lies solely between an individual and his family, that he owes account to none other for his fish or his walleye, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of the consumption of tuna fish, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Tuna and State." but critics of the Democratic Party have argued "As long as you keep this up, the more naked Sarah Palin is going to be."

Hot Girl Of The Week: Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Warning: A post reeks of bad judgment. This post.


I know what you're thinking. "What a fool." you muse to yourself as you sip your herbal tea and adjust your glasses, because you presume yourself to be an intellectual. Well, you're not. You're a dirty bitch with AIDS. I can do anything I want, because this is America, and anarchy reigns in the streets. The other day, I saw a baby selling cigarettes. I saw a dog with only two legs eating a basketball for nourishment. I saw store owner smash his own window with a piece of furniture from his own store.

Anyyyyhow, every team needs a rebel; someone who just butts heads with everyone else, possibly due to having their blood infused with ram DNA. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles had Michelangelo. NWA had Ice Cube. The View has Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is the Ice Cube of The View.

Like most civilized nations, we deal with our anger through physical violence and blind rage and destruction. That's why we love watching Jerry Springer. However, whenever Politics is discussed, it never ends in knives being pulled. Imagine if Alan Colmes stabbed Sean Hannity on live TV. You can't. It just never happens. That is why people have so much penned-up rage when it comes to Politics, because they have no way of constructively channeling their emotions into a single Buddhist Palm technique that leaves a giant handprint-crater in the ground.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck discusses Politics, and therefore, 50% of the population hates her. The other 50% supports her, because they gotta stay true 2 tha game. Well, interestingly enough, I never really gave a damn until a friend explained to me that he found Elizabeth Hasselbeck attractive, and I was all "wuuuuuutttt" but then I had to say that I was inclined to agree with his disposition to initiate his phallic engorgement systems when visualizing her presence. Also, this friend was a hxc conservative who was trying to convince me that we need to carpet bomb Iran, but that's another story for another post. Personally, I don't think dropping carpets on a country that exports Persian Rugs would be very effective; it'd be like using Rock Slide against a Rhynadon.

In short, this has nothing to with politics.

Now with that out of the way, let me just give the facts: Elizabeth Hasselbeck was born sometime around 10 to 50 years ago in a small village in rural Thailand, which was burned by bandits. Hasselbeck was then raised by Tigers in the jungle, and taught to rip raw meat from the bones of an elephant using her teeth. She was then offered a job as a host on The View, a show where allegedly intelligent women discuss the issues of the day. Hasselbeck quickly bonded with the other ladies of the show, and they all loved her and everyone held hands and danced in a circle while wearing all white, and wearing a ring of flowers on their heads.

If I could give any advice to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, it would be: Never admit you're wrong about anything. As soon as you do, the socialists have won.

I don't think Elizabeth Hasselbeck and myself would be compatible because, to be honest, I would just haul off and smack her. Like, I would just abruptly fly into a Chris Brown level of rage and beat her without mercy or shame. But not really. That would be wrong. I'm just not into blondes... oh wait... I can't use that excuse... uhm...

Okay, she's just too stupid. There, I said it.