OMG WTF @ TWITTER & FACEBOOK

Step aside, Selena Gomez. Rizzle Kicks has decreed that Carly Rae Jepsen should "totally" begin a formal relationship with prepubescent popstar, Justin Bitchface Bieber. This proclamation came as a pleasant surprise to readers of the popular time-wasting website, Twitter.com. Rizzle Kicks also expressed what observers described as a "gleeful ambiance" and "a spectacle of elation" when he spoke about his recommendation to the young popstars, adding, "OMG OMG LOLOLOLOLOL XXXXXXXXXX", but ended by issuing a formal apology to Selena Gomez, as she would be rendered boyfriendless if Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen negotiated a successful relationship in being.

I got this from my actual Facebook account. Relationships are difficult. Sometimes, despite our best attempts at romance, our consciousnesses clash with each other, and when these conflicts become unsolvable, shit hits the fan. So, someone I know went from being in a relationship to "Single" within a matter of seconds, and a few clicks of the mouse. A concerned friend asked what happened, to which the person I know replied, "It's over."

Well, duh.

DUH.

DUH.

Then again, you can't just ask someone a personal question like that and expect them to tell the truth and be like "He wanted to have sex with me through my anus and I absolutely refused to let that happen, and also, we hated each other."

Other world news: Donald Trump calls for Barack Obama to "kiss his ass" - New perfume released that increases the sex appeal of the person wearing it - Study reveals that women who swallow large amounts of semen have increased health benefits - Study was conducted by very lucky male scientists, "It was tough having women giving me oral sex all day, but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make for science." says Dr. P. Jensen - Genocide in Syria MILLIONS DEAD, DEAD BODIES LINE THE STREETS FOR MILES - Experts agree that 'camel toe' is sexy, but only on attractive women.

Insane Anti-Justin Bieber Post

Or is it the greatest expression of sanity?

A portrait of Justin Bieber, who has become the most reviled human being in the world.

I want to be fair. So I will. I used to respect Ludacris, until he appeared in Fred Claus and collaborated with Justin Bieber, and now I'm setting autographed copies of Chicken N Beer on fire in my front yard despite warnings from the city zoning commission to stop. I know Justin is just a kid, and doesn't deserve such bitter resentment, personal hatred, death threats, and unwarranted slander, but I think you should know when to say when, even if you're just a kid. How in the holy name of fuck can Justin Bieber think it's prudent to continue his singing career after facing an overwhelming backlash like the world has never seen? How can his parents think it's okay to continue letting Justin Bieber endure a barrage of ad hominem attacks without pulling the plug on the whole operation out of fear that their son will cut his own throat open with a chainsaw out of sheer frustration!? Although many angry, pitch-fork-waving minions of hell will disagree with me, I don't want to see that happen.

Please, Justin, if you happen to read this, I implore you to do the following:

• 1) Please end your music career asaply.
• 2) Tell Usher to fuck off.
• 3) Go into the woods to hunt and eat a wild boar.
• 4) Give one solemn apology to everyone in the world.
• 5) Do not commit suicide or start doing drugs. Remember that life can be awesome even if you're not famous and rich.

And now, the angry Youtube comments. Youtube is a particularly angry community, and even posting something cool can provoke their unwarranted ire. Enjoy:

Just came for my daily dislike.

HatrixTron 13 minutes ago

Thumbs up if u wan Justin Bieber to Die

DarkDevilx3 54 minutes ago

TACTICAL MUTE INCOMING!!!

charmingsparow 1 hour ago

the superdong is displeased with the level of hilarity here

superdong666 3 hours ago

Justin bieber should make a cover of Beyonce's song "If I were a boy".

OctoberRust96 5 hours ago

a typical fan:

i think 2 come on here and call justin bieber a c*** and want him to die is horrorfying. when my mum took a glimpse of this comment section she nearly cried, because of all of this bullying towards one human being.

get a life u fucking pathetic losers. nobody deserves this shit and i think deep down u all know it.

Joshsgirlxx 8 hours ago

Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.

007tylord 11 hours ago

Why do you insult her?? She's a very beautiful girl...:O

TheCaesar1995 15 hours ago

Pause the video, look at the likes and not likes, and leave.

SuperMegaHallo 17 hours ago

I knew it! Drugs! He's on drugs. That's the only way someone could sing the songs he do and live with it. Drugs or insanity. Had he not used drugs i guess he would have buckled under long ago.

TheLordofNorwegians 22 hours ago

etc.

Now, I'm not going to go "DIE BIEBER U SUCK FUCK U" because that's been done 7 trillion times and is downright tacky and unnecessarily cruel. I'm classy on Thursdays. His music, however, is fair game.

Keep in mind, that I'm not "jealous" of Justin Bieber. Only a dunce could come up with that mental connection; I have no problem with people being successful. Mr. Bieber is actually a marginally decent singer, but the songs that have been penned for him are garbage. Actually, 'garbage' is an understatement because if his songs were materialized, landfills would literally become sentient and reject Bieber's music from their confines for being too filthy to tolerate. The song "Baby" sounds like a combination of an orca having diarrhea while free-falling out of an airplane, a bird hitting a window, nails scratching across a chalkboard, a car running over a baby, a baby screaming in the restaurant while you're trying to just relax and eat a fucking burrito, babies screaming at 3 a.m., and a tech-9 being fired directly into one's ear. Never Say Never makes Ben Stein's intelligent-design documentary look like Hotel Rwanda or something else that's really good.

I rate Justin Bieber's music, albums, youtube channel, and videos all 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001 out of 1,000,000,000 stars, hereby declare them to be most decadent and horrifying tragedy of the modern era, lower than parasitic worms, more reviled than Nazism, the mother of all trainwrecks when the train skipped off the tracks and somehow slammed into a Boeing 747 in-flight. May God have mercy on all of our souls.

Overused memes: