Groundhog Attacks; President Declares State of Emergency

Today was a terrifying and perhaps one of the most important days in history, one we will not soon forget. The official Groundhog Day groundhog unleashed his wrath on many of the eastern seaboard's major cities, virtually leveling some cities, such as Newark, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Annapolis, Hoboken, and many parts of New York. At 11:39 EST, the Groundhog unexpectedly turned on it's handlers and vaporized them with it's powerful obliteration ray that shot forth from it's eyes. It is unclear how the Groundhog developed the ability to perform a projection of directed energy as a weapon, but the fact remains: it happened and we're in the middle of the worst crisis the nation has ever faced.

Hours after the Groundhog's first strike, President Obama declared a state of emergency, and briefly addressed the news corps, who were eagerly awaiting news in the midst of the chaos and fear. "We must evacuate the Capital." the President declared, "The Groundhog is on his way here, and as of yet, we have no immediate means of responding to this type of crisis. I have been on the phone with our law enforcement officials, who have been absolutely heroic but overwhelmed by the destruction left in the wake of this abomination of a furry woodland creature. We are considering a military strike to nullify the Groundhog, but we are working to only use such measures as a last resort." and he quickly was shuffled away by Secret Service agents who informed him that the Groundhog was close by.

Republican leaders were quick to criticize the President's response. Senator Lindsay Graham (R) said, "I would have immediately called up the Air Force and said 'let's bomb this thing.'". Critics of the Obama Administration also called on the President to resign, with Sean Hannity of Fox News saying "This treatment of the Groundhog by the President is disgraceful and shameful. We should've taken it out with a missile. Mr. Obama should resign and apologize to the American people." The Obama Administration issued a statement, saying "We are working tirelessly to nullify the Groundhog situation, and we are personally appalled by politicians and media figures using this tragedy to gain ratings and political points. The President has pledged to put an end to the Groundhog and introduce legislation that will address the Groundhog issue in the future."

The Groundhog also gave a statement, saying in his Darth-Vaderesque voice, "Winter may last only six more weeks, but the Hell I will bring to this world will be eternal." although hours later, a spokesperson for the Groundhog seemed to retract this statement, claiming that the Groundhog "Misspoke and did not mean to offend anyone."

Interlude: The Tiny Island

Sometimes, people ask me where I get my ideas. I wish I could just say "Drugs, lots of drugs." but that would a big fat lie, and I like to keep my lies lean and thin. In reality, it's a much more complex series of neuron firings that science has yet to explain, but don't worry, they can put an ear on a mouse, so you know we're close.

Right now though, my brain is failing me. I'm very angry with it. Like, if it came in my room and wanted to lecture me about throwing my clothes all over my room, I'd lose it and start cussing it out. I may throw a chair, but I'm not sure. That may taking it too far, and this isn't the Jerry Springer show, it's irl. Also, there are other factors to consider, such as the possibility of the chair breaking, and if it breaks, then I've just lost a perfectly good chair, and will have to sit on the floor, which is full of spiders and lizards and shit.

Writer's Block is never good to have, especially when having an Official Celebrity Gossip Blog, and writing a 50,000-word novel for November, but I feel the best way to work through Writer's Block is to just be honest and say "Hey, I have Writer's Block. Sorry my writing has sucked so much lately!" rather than blame The Previous Administration for my shortcomings. Sure, I could be mad at everyone else, and go "Why the hell haven't you inspired me lately?" and as a matter of fact, why not?

I haven't started my novel at all. I have a few ideas, like one where a pizza delivery guy finds a unicorn, and it changes his life as he tries to hide it from The Government, who want to take it to a zoo. However, hiding a unicorn isn't easy, especially when your apartment complex has a "no pets" rule, so he also has to hide it from his landlord. Admittedly, this idea probably isn't 50,000-words long, so maybe instead, I could go in a completely different directions, taking on the premise of a 1950s-era story set during the Cold War, where an unhappy citizen tries to "flee the oppression of the West" and get into Communist Germany, but getting past the Berlin Wall and into Socialist territory proves more difficult than he first anticipated. However, this idea has one huge flaw: He'd just dig a tunnel, and so that would take up approximately one page.

So, it'll be on the shelf for now. And November is almost half-way done. This could get messy. I just need to get some inspiration, but it's like I'm stuck on a tiny island.

In Lindsay Lohan news...

Guess what, geeks? Lindsay Lohan will not be going to prison, where she would have to have endure the cuddling of her muscular lesbian cellmate, "Pudding". Rather, she will have to be checked back into rehab. Upon hearing this news, Lindsay was indignant, and kinda just hoped the court would, like, let just live her life, like damn. However, the iron fist of justice hit Lindsay with yet another stint in the rehabs, and I'm 90% certain that they will work this time.

Here's an important fact to remember, though: It costs a lot of money to keep someone in prison. Rehab, however, is dirt cheap, because all you need to do is rent a room in a church basement for a day, set up some steal folding chairs and hold a clipboard, with which you, as the psychological professional working for the government, will pretend to take notes, but will actually be drawing a shark jumping out of the water and eating a deer. You should also keep in mind that Lindsay is rich and WHITE. OH YEAH I WENT THERE.