Hot Girl Of The Week: Casey Anthony

Hi mom

WOW SUCH BEAUTY MUCH INNOCENCE WOw

LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS, I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME SICK FACTS OF SCIENCE AND MAGIC TO YOU LITTLE KIDS SO TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF YOUR MOM'S NIPPLE FOR ONE SECOND AND LISTEN TO YOUR NEW GOD. CASEY ANTHONY IS HOT. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT. IS SHE INSANE? NO, SHE'S THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A CRAZY WORLD. WHY WOULD I DEFEND A WOMAN WHO PROBABLY KILLED HER OFFSPRING? LOOK AT THOSE TITS. THOSE TITS DON'T LIE. NOR DO THOSE HIPS. THEY TELL A TALE OF A DELICIOUS VAGINA THAT LURKS BETWEEN THE VALLEYS OF HER BEAUTIFUL PALE-ASS LEGS, WAITING TO RECEIVE MY LASER-GUIDED SPIKED PENIS, 5,000 LBS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVE SEMEN DESIGNED BY MILITARY ENGINEERS TO PENETRATE DEEP INTO HER BUNKER AND BUST IT.  d

"But dude, that's really offensive..."

Take the dick out of your ass for five seconds. You all may be aware by now that this bitch be crazy, and crazy bitches are always the best in bed. More crazy = more bed-power. Would attack me with a stapler? Maybe. Would she impale my cat onto the wall with a nail gun? Maybe. Would she drug me with bath salts and throw me into a bin of medical waste? Probably. But I still think, somewhere, deep down inside of her, there is a woman with a wet vagina that is unoccupied by dick, and I have sympathy for her. 

And when my parents read this, they'll probably have to drive off a cliff Thelma and Louise style into the Grand Canyon and explode in a massive fireball of fire. Good. I'm an adult now, and this is my way of rebelling. Oh, and you thought I'd just resort to wearing tight jeans, listening to Hawthorne Heights while sobbing, pretending to be bisexual and smoking the marijuana leaves to let you know that I am an angry young man!?!?!? EFF THAT, I'm not stopping sleeping with highly questionable women until I have AIDS and Cancer, even if it's not medically possible to get cancer through sexual transmission, but if we can put a man on the moon, someday, it WILL be possible.

Wait, whoa. What is the point of this again?

Oh yeah

So uh, did she do it? Not with me. I don't know about that court thing, but they said "Not guilty", and hey, I have full faith in the American Justice System, because there is no way it can be flawed. Unfortunately, Casey and I simply won't work out as a couple because she is in hiding, for fear of her life. I need a woman who is able to go to Dairy Queen with me and sip ice cream shakes together. I can't do that if I'm constantly worried someone will run up to her and stab her. And what if Slenderman comes after her? Then we're both fucked. Nobody can stop that guy.

PEACE!

Dan Marino Has a Love-Child.

Dan Marino, giving the "thumbs up". "The sex was good." He said, speaking of his mistress.

WELL FOLKS, GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A LOVE-CHILD? Long-time football-guy-man-dude-thing, Dan Marino. But why? Why do so many celebrity men have extra-marital affairs? Dr. Stanley Lynn of the University of Puerto Rico, a specialist in field of Female Anatomy, explained, "Celebrity men who cheat on their wives are all governed by a principle which I have hypothesized in my many, many scientific journals, which sadly, nobody will ever read. Anyhow, my hypothesis basically combines the factors of the male penis, which is stimulated by the visualization of a female. This is a preliminary finding, but I believe males, generally, are inherently designed to actually want to insert their penises into the female vagina, without fear of the dreaded vaginal teeth that have been rumored to exist."

A spokesperson for Christian Families Living Unrealistically Perfect Lives, a non-profit group devoted to denouncing everything, denounced Dr. Lynn's findings, saying "We sincerely believe that once a man is wed to a woman through marriage with the proper legal documentation, that the all-powerful, infinitely supreme being beyond all of our comprehension and possible grasp of knowledge of his true nature, who could cause all of existence to cease by blinking, does not want men to stick their junk into any other woman besides the woman he signed those papers with."

Marino himself commented on the situation, saying, "Look. I take full responsibility for my actions, and by that, I mean I actually take zero responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be punished, and I will say whatever I possibly can to convince my family and fans to keep watching football shows that include me in them. What I did was very wrong, I mean, EXTREMELY wrong, however, in a contradictory thought juxtaposed to the prior half of this sentence, I have no regrets about anything. I mean, the sex was hot. Real hot. I loved squeezing her boobs and putting my dick in her pussy. Then, I would also cum. That part always made my dick feel just fantastic. However, the whole time, I was all like 'I hope my wife doesn't find out about this', but dang it, she found out! Haha, ya got me. You got me good."

Then, right there, at the press conference, a chimpanzee spontaneously combusted.

Emma Stone Makes a Sex Tape

So, Emma Stone made a sex tape. And uh... yeah.

Kate Middleton Spotted Bottomless

Good people of England, please hear my cry: Deliver thyself from this filthy commoner, Kate Middleton of Sexwithsheepinshire. Around last Thursday, Kate Middleton, the false princess of England, was spotted in the most unlady-like business of parading her vulva around, completely devoid of clothing of any sort, in public, no less. Such verminous behavior is most unbecoming of the Royal Family of England, especially by one who purportedly has ambitions towards the throne. Again, it is painfully obvious that Ms. Middleton only married the noble Prince William to get one step closer to stealing the Crown Jewels, along with the Prince's stash of gold, and run away with it all to South America. However, this latest misstep of modesty, or lack thereof, has simply shown what our experts have been saying all along: that Kate Middleton is a Soviet Spy waiting for activation on Day X, and is also planning to steal Prince William's gold.

SCANDAL.

Anderson Cooper: "I'm straight."

For years now, the sexual orientation of CNN's Anderson Cooper has been a topic of much discussion and controversy. Cooper did little to ease rumors that he was gay, stating, "It's not important whether I'm straight or gay. What matters is that I'm a journalist. My personal life has nothing to do with that shit."

Finally, though, Anderson Cooper came clean, stating, "To be honest, I'm straight, and I have always been straight. I thoroughly enjoy looking at women's boobs and vaginas, and also making love to the vaginas, sometimes while touching the breasts." This response left everyone quiet. Then someone spoke up and asked "Are you sure you're straight." Anderson Cooper looked down, then quietly said "Yeah... yeah, it's true. I've never thought about sliding my penis in and out of a sexy male's ass as we both sweat while making love and become one. I'm all about vaginas."

So, there you have it. Anderson Cooper is straight as the crow flies.

Report: The Octomom to Act In Porn; Standard Craziness

 This is Nadya Suleman, just your average mother of 14 children. Over the years, really meanie weenie people have questioned whether or not she is able to be a good mother to so many children while working so hard on so many projects, like posing in a bed with a bunch of plastic baby dolls:

 Now we know the answer to that question...

Yes.

Nadya Suleman, with her new-and-improved bionic body, has decided to put her vagina to work once again, but this time, IT'S PERSONAL. Just like any loving mother would, Nadya Suleman has turned to pornography to "liberate herself sexually and feel like a new person" put food on the table for her children. I mean, I wish my mom had done this when I was a kid; then I could maybe get that Sega Genesis I wanted... but it's too late now. I'm all grown-up and realize that Sega Genesis sucks. Sonic The Hedgehog sucks.

And yes, that picture is real, and that is a purple dildo next to some scented candles. Somehow, this picture is even MORE disturbing when it's censored, because if you haven't seen the actual picture, your imagination starts to run wild with what is under those black boxes. Don't. Just don't go down that route. Think about adorable kittens running through tall grass, chasing butterflies to Sarah McLachlan music. That's only advice I can give to you. Erase everything from your mind.

As for the children, initial reports are that no one knows their names, but they will probably never have to worry about ever having these videos of their mom being sent to them as a cruel, cruel high school prank, or needing any kind of counseling for any sort of emotional issues that might arise from living with a single mother who does pornography and reality TV for living with your 13 other siblings, because statistics show that this situation has happened exactly zero times.

Report: Lindsay Lohan still drunken; whore

 According to sources close to Lindsay Lohan, she is now completely sober and the whole episode was an apparent "prank". In a short statement, Lohan reportedly commented about the whole situation, saying, "I was just kidding.", adding with a smile, "I didn't think everyone would take the whole thing so seriously." As usual, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan could be reached for comment, but we did our best to ignore him.

 JUST KIDDING LOL

In another statement given after the original statement, Lindsay Lohan said that her new-found sobriety was, in fact, the prank. "Where can I score some crack?" Lohan immediately said with a laugh. Everyone at the press conference had a good laugh, but we could not help but feel sorry for her and... HEY... who doctored that photo to say "whore" over her head!? THIS PAGE IS CLASSY. We're not TMZ.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Jenna Talackova

This is most right post I've ever blogged on any blog site.

Let me ask you a philosophical question. Have you ever eaten a hotdog? Yes?

THEN YOU GAY.

Jenna Talackova is a lovely young woman with gorgeous locks of blonde hair and a smile that could melt a shark. Every blood cell in my body is like totally in love with her and I want to be with her. I want to want to watch a romantic movie with her while we cuddle together in the big chair, and begin kissing each other passionately. Then, I would carry her to my bedroom and...

Okay, I've just been informed mid-sentence that Jenna Talackova was born as a man, and I totally can't edit my paragraphs once I've typed them.

Holy shit! She's like, the hottest guy I've ever seen.














In my life, I've never known which kind of bros I've wanted to hang with. Do I try to hang with the cool bros who love football and get tribal arm-band tattoos? Do I hang out with my fellow nerd bros and talk about Lord Of The Rings all day and night? Do I hang out with black bros who use a lot of obscure urban vernacular that I can barely follow? I've never known the true answer to these questions. None of them seem like the right 'fit' for me. When I heard about Jenna, I knew at once what the truth was. I want to hang out with bros who have vaginas and look like female supermodels.

Look at this:




















Click to enlarge (the picture)

Now look at the boobs. Definitely totally fake. Look down at the bikini. Observe carefully the shape that forms when the bikini clings to the flesh. That is not a dick-shape. That is most certainly a vulva-shape. How did that vulva get there? I don't know. I don't really care about the whole semantic process, because the end result is completely acceptable.

"BUT BRO, SHE USED TO BE A GUY."

Yes, there used to be a penis there. I'm not debating that. If your girlfriend/wife has ever had sex with anyone other than yourself, then TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, there was a penis in HER private-area as well. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? Heck yes I did, and now you're thinking about renouncing your religion. Don't do it. You need your faith in order to know who you're supposed to hate.

So, long story short, I'd fuck her.

If I had any advice for Jenna, it would be: OH SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID IDIOT! FUCK, WE'RE ALL DEAD, GET THE FUCK OUT!

Unfortunately, I don't think our relationship would last, because she is a supermodel/beauty queen, and I'm like whatever the opposite of that is. My physique is so appallingly grotesque that I make the Tree-Man look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. This one time, I looked at a mirror, and my reflection puked. Another time, I looked at a baby, and it's head exploded, which lead to the mother suing me for eight million dollars (Like I can afford that kind of coin), but since she was holding the baby at the time of the incident, and there was no concrete evidence that my ugliness directly caused the baby's head to combust, so the jury found me not guilty. I later published a book about the incident titled "If I actually did it", detailing how I would hypothetically cause the lady's baby's head to explode, if I wanted to, which I don't. The book only sold 7 copies and my Publisher told me to "get the fuck out of her office".

w9e847ro3qw DEMI MOORE AND ASHTON KUTCHER DIVORCE SCANDAL NUDE PICS HUH WHAT

Imagine you married your own mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time - you know she can make a mean breakfast, and you've already been in her vagina and sucked her tits. WELL, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. Next time, do something smarter with your time like playing golf in a thunderstorm, but instead of hitting golf balls, you're hitting yourself in the nuts repeatedly.

Ashton Kutcher has done both. Sort of. I'm not going to lie; marrying Demi Moore was probably the worst thing Ashton Kutcher has ever done, and he hosted Punk'd. So after a 500 billion dollar divorce, they're finally separated. Do not believe the headlines that claim that they are still together. I am declaring here and now that their marriage is so over that if it was more over, it would be Harold Camping's career.

The only way this relationship could get any more bizarre is if Ashton got breast implants and joined the Cult of Scientology simultaneously. Meanwhile, somewhere, Bruce Willis' ring is dropping to the ground and he's realizing that he's actually a ghost. I mean, that's what happened to his career after making a 17th Die Hard movie with the Mac guy, and Cop Out, which was named after the scriptwriters' mentality. Now, as Ashton Kutcher chases down some sleeping pills with whiskey in his closed garage with the motor running, wearing a Bruce Willis t-shirt and sobbing like a baby, Bruce Willis is yelling "Yippie kie yay, motherfucker!" as he orgasms while having incredibly incredible for-old-times-sake sex with Demi Moore's anus. SUP, ASHTON? Who's getting Punk'd now!?

If My Name Is Earl has taught us anything, it's that you can't run from Karma. Karma, of course, is a force of the universe which influences the paths of all conscious beings, and if you do something bad, then something bad will happen back to you. Like, let's say you marry Bruce Willis' ex-wife. That's pretty bad. In Christianity, I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for that. In Karma-anity, you have douchey tabloids trash the shit out of you until you start doing drugs just to escape from reality, and eventually end up on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where he declares you to be "unfixable".

Hey, whatever happened to Paris Hilton?

Hey, remember Paris Hilton?

















No Official Certified Profession Celebrity Gossip Blog would be complete without Paris Hilton. It would be like breakfast without bacon. It would be like be like Geraldo Rivera without a mustache. It would be like Paris Hilton without a penis in her vagina. Unfortunately for myself, and everyone else, Paris Hilton has been quieter than a church mouse, and you all know how quiet mice are when they're breaking into a church to eat that stale bread before it can transmogrify into the body of Christ. Those bastards.

Paris Hilton first made her first cerebral scars onto the cranium of America in 2003, with her hit reality-series The Simple Life, which chronicled her heart-warming journey of self-discovery on a rural farm along with sidekick Nicole "Holocaust Victim" Richie, torn from the luxurious glamour of their normal lives. However, instead of learning about simple living, the duo learned nothing, which seems to be a recurring theme.

The fame bestowed on them caused them to be on the cover of every magazine, even the sciencey ones. It seemed like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, Bliss (caused by ignorance), and apparently, night-vision cameras. But out of the blue, they vanished from the headlines.

Leaving an empty hole in my heart...


As a matter of fact...
















Hey, whatever happened to Tara Reid?

Last time I heard, she had a bit of a nipple slip during a red carpet event, where it took her several hours before she realized her boob was showing. The boob flash made one thing very clear: she got plastic surgery done by the same doctor who created The Human Centipede. Upon further photo analysis, she had other operations that seriousssss screwed up her body.

This is tragic. Tara Reid, while not being particularly bright, is very pretty, and she's RUINING it. I'd almost rather see Larry King naked, but OH WAIT, I already have! DAMN YOU, JON STEWART!

Still, Tara Reid's botched boobs/stomach are nothing compared to Paris Hilton's bizarre-looking other-worldly purple vagina. A normal, healthy vagina is surrounded by a beautiful soft pink/peach. Paris Hilton's vagina, however, is surrounded by dark purple flaps of skin that would flop around if there was a breeze blowing. It's like what would happen if you took the black gums in the mouths of dogs and used that tissue to make a vulva.

In short, it's an abomination to humanity.

Also, in even shorter, where are these girls? We need them to return, for the sake of all that is good and right in this world.