Hot Girl Of The Week: Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Warning: A post reeks of bad judgment. This post.


I know what you're thinking. "What a fool." you muse to yourself as you sip your herbal tea and adjust your glasses, because you presume yourself to be an intellectual. Well, you're not. You're a dirty bitch with AIDS. I can do anything I want, because this is America, and anarchy reigns in the streets. The other day, I saw a baby selling cigarettes. I saw a dog with only two legs eating a basketball for nourishment. I saw store owner smash his own window with a piece of furniture from his own store.

Anyyyyhow, every team needs a rebel; someone who just butts heads with everyone else, possibly due to having their blood infused with ram DNA. The Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles had Michelangelo. NWA had Ice Cube. The View has Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is the Ice Cube of The View.

Like most civilized nations, we deal with our anger through physical violence and blind rage and destruction. That's why we love watching Jerry Springer. However, whenever Politics is discussed, it never ends in knives being pulled. Imagine if Alan Colmes stabbed Sean Hannity on live TV. You can't. It just never happens. That is why people have so much penned-up rage when it comes to Politics, because they have no way of constructively channeling their emotions into a single Buddhist Palm technique that leaves a giant handprint-crater in the ground.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck discusses Politics, and therefore, 50% of the population hates her. The other 50% supports her, because they gotta stay true 2 tha game. Well, interestingly enough, I never really gave a damn until a friend explained to me that he found Elizabeth Hasselbeck attractive, and I was all "wuuuuuutttt" but then I had to say that I was inclined to agree with his disposition to initiate his phallic engorgement systems when visualizing her presence. Also, this friend was a hxc conservative who was trying to convince me that we need to carpet bomb Iran, but that's another story for another post. Personally, I don't think dropping carpets on a country that exports Persian Rugs would be very effective; it'd be like using Rock Slide against a Rhynadon.

In short, this has nothing to with politics.

Now with that out of the way, let me just give the facts: Elizabeth Hasselbeck was born sometime around 10 to 50 years ago in a small village in rural Thailand, which was burned by bandits. Hasselbeck was then raised by Tigers in the jungle, and taught to rip raw meat from the bones of an elephant using her teeth. She was then offered a job as a host on The View, a show where allegedly intelligent women discuss the issues of the day. Hasselbeck quickly bonded with the other ladies of the show, and they all loved her and everyone held hands and danced in a circle while wearing all white, and wearing a ring of flowers on their heads.

If I could give any advice to Elizabeth Hasselbeck, it would be: Never admit you're wrong about anything. As soon as you do, the socialists have won.

I don't think Elizabeth Hasselbeck and myself would be compatible because, to be honest, I would just haul off and smack her. Like, I would just abruptly fly into a Chris Brown level of rage and beat her without mercy or shame. But not really. That would be wrong. I'm just not into blondes... oh wait... I can't use that excuse... uhm...

Okay, she's just too stupid. There, I said it.

Interlude: The Tiny Island

Sometimes, people ask me where I get my ideas. I wish I could just say "Drugs, lots of drugs." but that would a big fat lie, and I like to keep my lies lean and thin. In reality, it's a much more complex series of neuron firings that science has yet to explain, but don't worry, they can put an ear on a mouse, so you know we're close.

Right now though, my brain is failing me. I'm very angry with it. Like, if it came in my room and wanted to lecture me about throwing my clothes all over my room, I'd lose it and start cussing it out. I may throw a chair, but I'm not sure. That may taking it too far, and this isn't the Jerry Springer show, it's irl. Also, there are other factors to consider, such as the possibility of the chair breaking, and if it breaks, then I've just lost a perfectly good chair, and will have to sit on the floor, which is full of spiders and lizards and shit.

Writer's Block is never good to have, especially when having an Official Celebrity Gossip Blog, and writing a 50,000-word novel for November, but I feel the best way to work through Writer's Block is to just be honest and say "Hey, I have Writer's Block. Sorry my writing has sucked so much lately!" rather than blame The Previous Administration for my shortcomings. Sure, I could be mad at everyone else, and go "Why the hell haven't you inspired me lately?" and as a matter of fact, why not?

I haven't started my novel at all. I have a few ideas, like one where a pizza delivery guy finds a unicorn, and it changes his life as he tries to hide it from The Government, who want to take it to a zoo. However, hiding a unicorn isn't easy, especially when your apartment complex has a "no pets" rule, so he also has to hide it from his landlord. Admittedly, this idea probably isn't 50,000-words long, so maybe instead, I could go in a completely different directions, taking on the premise of a 1950s-era story set during the Cold War, where an unhappy citizen tries to "flee the oppression of the West" and get into Communist Germany, but getting past the Berlin Wall and into Socialist territory proves more difficult than he first anticipated. However, this idea has one huge flaw: He'd just dig a tunnel, and so that would take up approximately one page.

So, it'll be on the shelf for now. And November is almost half-way done. This could get messy. I just need to get some inspiration, but it's like I'm stuck on a tiny island.