HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: JESSICA FUCKING WILLIAMS

 THIS POST IS WAY LONG OVERDUE BECAUSE IT JUST IS OKAY? OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF OUR EVER-MORE-DUBIOUSLY-NAMED SERIES, HOT GIRL OF DA WEEK FOCUSES ON JESSICA WILLIAMS. SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO "THE DAILY SHOW", INCLUDING JON STEWART, OR BEEF STEW, AS HE IS KNOWN. JESSICA WILLIAMS IS A COMEDIENNETTE WHO WAS SENT BY THE GODS OF COMEDY AND HER BODY AND MIND WERE CARVED OUT OF THE MOST VALUABLE METALS IN THE UNIVERSE AND ENDOWED WITH THE POWER TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY SEGMENT THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE BY THE DAILY SHOW, INCLUDING ONES IN THE PAST AND FUTURE, AND ONES THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN IN. OLIVIA MUNN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER. IN FACT, SAMANTHA BEE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER.

Okay, let's calm down here, and get a grip on things. If she ever read this, she'd probably be really creeped out so I need to make sure I add that this is complete a satirical post, and please don't be mad that I left 46 voicemails on your cellphone and keep leaving flowers on your porch even though you told me to stop or you'd call the police. I just think you, Jessica Williams, are amazing. You are funny. You are sexy. You are perfect. You are perfection manifested in the form of a Daily Show correspondent. Oh my God. Screw this, I might as well pour my heart out right here and now. Jessica, I am obsessed with you. I wish I could clone you so there could be more yous to love. I want to have at least 20 children with you after we make sweet love like 9 times a day. I want to buy you a giant Hershey's chocolate bar, and drive by your house like 2 times a day just for a chance of...

...uh...

I think I may have overdone it a little.

If I could give any advice to Jessica Williams, it would be: Damn gurl, u sexy.


 Unfortunately, I do not think me and Jessica would make a good couple, because I'm a Libra and she's some other zodiac thing probably. Also, I'm white. She's black. I know, it's the 2000s and all, but still, what if she doesn't like white guys!? What if she's gone black... that means she'll never go back! My penis won't be large enough, and she'll be like "Is it in yet?" and I'll be like "It's been in for the last 30 seconds." because it's just not of black-man caliber. LIFE IS SO CRUEL. LIFE... IS.... SO... CRUEL... WQ$(RETW#ERJFGIERJGFEIPOEWSDKFJS. OMG JESSICA WILLIAMS PLEASE MARRY ME, YOU ARE THE ONLY WOMAN FOR ME. HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN ANYMORE... I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU ONLY. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Hot Girl of The Week: Iliza Shlesinger

I know, I know. I didn't even post anything last week, but I must continue this series, or the world will melt into a pool of delicious butter, which will be used by Little Black Sambo to eat 5,932 pancakes.

This week's addition introduces Last Comic Standing champion and Comedy Central Presents alumni Iliza Shlesinger, whose name I always I misspell before hitting the delete key several times to correct myself. It's pretty bad, because I hate when people misspell my last name, which is also a doozy to those who have difficultly with last names more difficult than "Smith". But I digress (whatever that means).




















She is one of my favorite comedians, mostly because of her looks, which are top-notch. As far as other facts about her go, she's blonde... I don't know if it's natural or if she's just fakin' it, and she appears to be between 18-39 years old. I'm 90% sure she's an American citizen and was not born in Kenya, and is probably not part of a secret illuminati plot, but I have been wrong before. I had this co-worker at Auntie Anne's, a soft-pretzel stand in the mall, and he just seemed like this ordinary guy who couldn't make change very well, but it turns out he was part of a secret illuminati plot. Whodathunkit.

If I could give Iliza any advice, it would be: You can't do lunges as well as me.

I don't think Iliza and I would be compatible as a couple because, during her act, she did these super-deep lunges. Normally, you wouldn't think that'd be issue, except that I also do super-deep lunges, and I think we'd be competing to see who can do the deepest lunges, and it'd get really out of hand and we'd fight all the time. Just last night, I was doing these insane lunges and was like "These are way deeper than Iliza's." but in the back of my mind, I was like wondering how deep Iliza's lunges had gotten since the Comedy Central show and I knew I had to train harder. God, where does one get the nerve to work their freakish athleticism into their act?