Hot Celebrity Fitness Tips

YOU WILL BE DEAD.

Listen, kid. The glamor and glitz of celebz' lives come with a price: the promise by the public that if celebrities do not eat radioactive waste and shit perfection, their careers will be flushed down the toilet like a smashed spider in a kleenex. This means that physical fitness is just a part of everyday life for a hot hot celeb. But what are the secrets of the stars that help them stay so fit? I've got the scoop on that.

Here are some of their snippets of wisdom:

"Do steroids." - 50 Cent

"Do a lot of steroids." - Ryan Braun

"Do so many steroids that it's insane." - Jose Canseco

"Start every day with steroids." - Carrot Top

"I have an autistic son, and I am a brave, brave single mother." - Jenny McCarthy

"To keep myself in shape, I eat a lot of vegetables and stuff." - Katy Perry

"Where the hell am I? What's going on?" - Russell Brand

"I eat a lot of bamboo." - Lady GaGa, dressed up as a panda

"QUIT YOUR CRYING, GET ON THE TREADMILL AND GO. STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY AND GIVING ME SHIT. YOU'RE HERE TO GET YOUR FAT ASS IN SHAPE, AND IF YOU GIVE ME ANY MORE SHIT ABOUT WORKING OUT, I WILL INCINERATE YOUR BODY IN THE FURY OF MY RAGE AND PUNT YOUR SOUL INTO THE DARKEST CREVICE OF HELL AND KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY." - Jillian Michaels

"Break Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap!" - Tonya Harding

"Be active for 30 minutes every day. Get your family involved and make it fun!" - Michelle Obama






















but, Michelle, my dad is an alcoholic and my mom is in jail for...

"GET YOUR FAMILY INVOLVED AND MAKE IT FUN." - Michelle Obama

It's almost Christmas 2!

Merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah to the Jews. Also, if you're into Kwanzaa, then I say a strong "Black Power!" to you, brother! Anyhow, it's that time of year again where there is magic in the air; EVIL MAGIC. I'm talking about the sorcery known as the holidays.

Yes, this stupid, chaotic, hated, loved, absolutely insane ode to commercialism/Jesus is back with a vengeance once again to terrorize downtown Tokyo while breathing fire and eating buildings as masses of Japanese people run, horrified. And let me tell you - this has been a good one, and it's not even over yet.

Yeah, I got my shopping down. I bought my brother a golden motorcycle, my sister a pink unicorn with wings, my other brother an M240, my mom a pair of wool socks, and my step-sister a huge vibrating triple-penetration dildo to stuff in her vagina so she can find it in her heart to stop being a stupid whore. And holy shit, she wants to get a chihuahua? How much more Paris Hilton can you get? Well, anyhow, I also got Eminem a signed copy of Mariah Carey's Christmas Album. I'm sure he'll really appreciate it.

I bought Rosie O'Donnell a new career, because she broke the last one.

I bought a bullhorn for Bill O'Reilly so he can yell at his guests even louder!

I picked up a really cute pair of Hello Kitty socks for 50 Cent.

I bought a Rebecca Black album for Justin Bieber.

For Lady GaGa, I made a sphinx out of fish-flavored cake and put it inside of a spherical golden cage, with a pair of conjoined motorcycle-riding twins to continuously ride around inside the cage around the sphinx.

I picked out some really nice orange jumpsuits for Lindsay Lohan.

For the Jackass crew, I cloned Ryan Dunn and created a new human being in his likeness who I have named "Brian Dunn", and he is rapidly growing and will soon be able to participate in reckless shenanigans and work on vehicles.

For Hulk Hogan, I bought him a shirt. He already ripped it in half.

I paid for some comedy classes for Olivia Munn so that she can hopefully be funny someday.

I know a lot of people have some weird problem with Barack Obama being half-white, so I bought his mother 5,000 tanning sessions and a Namibian citizenship, so she can be dark-skinned and African, which technically, would make Obama fully black.

I bought Seth MacFarlane a closet, so he can come out of it.

I bought Seth Green a bunch of Star Wars shit, because he loves that shit.

I purchased Selena Gomez a year's worth of herpes-treatment creme to get rid of those disgusting puss-filled spores that Justin Bieber gave her.

I also gave Justin Bieber a kick in the face, because I know he's been asking for one for a long time.

I didn't know what to get for Iliza Shlesinger, so I just gave her a coupon for 1 session of sexual intercourse with me.

Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about Christmas. Christmas is a [black] magic time of year, when people act like total assholes, those people stand outside of stores ringing bells for hours for menial amounts of money, tons of pine trees are mercilessly slaughtered, and a morbidly obese elf-man with levitating cervidae fly to every single house within the span of 12 hours to deliver gifts to all the little good girls and boys, little suspecting that their families already bought them shit. All of Santa's toys are manufactured by elf slave-labor and Santa Claus is a slave-master, and he must be stopped.

Also, Jesus was born? Oh, yeah - Christmas haters love to clamor on about how Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, but can't actually put their finger on exactly what that holiday was. Was it the The Winter Festival of Death, where the pagans would cut themselves around a giant bonfire and sacrificing their young virgin females to the giant wild-boar-god, Poom-Baw? Or perhaps the Scandinavian Yule, which was not actually a precursor to Christmas, and was eventually replaced with Christmas by King Haakon I of Sveden, who ruled with an iron fist, and drank the blood of his enemies from a goblet carved out of granite.

So yeah, who knows. All this "separation of church and state vs this nation is christian" rubbish just needs to be slam-dunked into the nearest trash bin. Just shut up and enjoy the goddamn holiday already!

50 Cent Has A Lot Of Money

"I got this off the dollar menu? Get it? Ah, nevermind."

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you probably don't know from my Myspace blog (Seeing as it's now set to private) I did a post where I delved into the psyche of "Haters", and the intricacies of their hating. As a quick synopsis of that write-up, I theorized that the primary goal of Haters is to "Get you mad", and asked a Hater about some of the things he hated, which was every subject I brought up. An important point I brought up was the time-tested principle to simply "let the Haters hate, and watch the money pile up", because when you let the Haters hate, the money, ostensibly, will pile up.

Curtis "Fiddy Cent" Jackson, of course, is a pioneer in letting the money pile up, as seen in the above picture, where he is shown eating money like beef steaks. This was taken from a photo shoot in which the not-very-controversial rapper plays around with half a million dollars just to show how rich he is. Believe me, he's quite rich. According to 50:

"As you can observe, I have acquired a decadent surplus of personal capital, through my prolific talent as a musical recording artist. Ever since my inception as a performer of hip-hop, I conceived powerful dark recidivist undertones in every orchestration, and cultivating a felonious moniker for myself in every stanza, inevitably resulting in me getting money. My personal wealth consequently has exploded to prodigious proportions, necessitating an exhibition of my extravagance. GGGG-Unit."

Indeed, 50 Cent has made quite a killing from Gangsta Rap, detailing his life as a gangster on the streetz. Like most gangsters, 50 is quite successful as an entrepreneur, starring in his own movie, having his own video game, a clothing line made by Thai children, and of course, his own fragrance, Scent of Fiddy.

The TSA is Scanning Your Body And Looking At You Naked And Laughing

Perhaps you do a lot of commuting by air. Perhaps you enjoy flying out-of-state for the holidays. Or perhaps you're a terrorist with a bomb strapped to your cock. Well, today, all of you will have to face the TSA's new high-tech body-scanning, which shows the entire surface of the scanee's skin.

As shown in this highly-shocking photograph to our left, this deadly weapon in the Global Effort To Combat Extremism will reveal what you look like naked to airport security employees, who we can all agree are pervs, who voted overwhelmingly to have this scanner installed, because they weren't getting enough action in their personal lives.




Well, I personally think this is great. You may feel violated now, but just think how much better you'll feel when a foreign-looking man with chemicals in his pants is apprehended by the authorities. All those times spent being gazed at lustfully by the TSA's finest will not have been in vain, and you can rest easy at night that they're not laughing at how out-of-shape you are, and how your body shape doesn't compliment your private parts at all. After all, if the Good Lord didn't want us to be seen naked, he wouldn't have made Adam and Eve with clothes already on.

Opponents to these new security measures say it's not necessary, because after all, is a hot blonde girl really going to bomb a plane? I think we all know the answer to that: yes. Another question posed is: "If a 9-year-old girl is scared to go through the body scan, are they going to make her go through it? Is a 9-year-old even considered a threat?" and again, I say that I sincerely hope that they put all children through full body scans, because have you seen that jungle-gym equipment being used in Al-Qaeda recruitment videos? I'm sure that attracted some kids to the cause.

Some Celebrities have even criticized the new scanner, such as rapper 50 Cent, who did not want them to scan to "see his G-unit", adding "I did not say I would let them come into the candy shop."

Halloween: The Sluttiest Time Of Year

"I hear someone is has been dirty."



Today, once again, is All Hallow's Day, on which the Catholic Church commemorates those who have received beatific vision in Heaven by passing out candy to children dressing up as superheroes, clowns, cowboys, and various fictional characters. Occasionally, the children dress as factual characters, such as Flavor Flav, but that's quite rare that you find children and parents who collaborate to get that creative, WHICH IS WHY I HATE MY PARENTS UGH!

It's also a day for the older crowd to dress up, and by older, I don't mean you, Grandma. Get over yourself Grandma. I'm not always talking about you. I'm talking about girls and boys who are older than 12, but more specifically, girls and boys who are older than 18, but even more specifically, just the girls who are older than 18, but younger than 30.

The girls tend to go as one of the following:

- French Maid

- Sailor Scout

- Naughty Kitty

- Naughty Librarian

- Sexy Cactus Girl

- Bikini Girl With Machine Gun

- Sex Robot


I appreciate all of these. I, of course, would be more than happy to give these girls who put such thought into their costume lots and lots of candy, and I don't necessarily mean a sick 50-Centesque metaphor, but I can mean that if they want it to pertain to that meaning, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN lololololololololololololol. Now, I also understand that some of the costumes may confuse you if you've never heard of them before, such as "Sexy Cactus Girl". Let me tell you, you do not want to fondle a girl in that costume.

"Sex Robot" isn't necessarily a costume, but it's a more economical approach to Halloween dress-up, in which the person becomes their own costume. Girls who go as "sex robot" just make a lot of sudden, mechanical jerky motions and go "Beep beep boop, I am a robot. How may I please you?" in a monotone voice, reminiscent of the slow lumbering aluminum-foil bots of 50s sci-fi cinema.

Whatever you may go as, remember, don't get raped!

Happy Halloween.