Dan Marino Has a Love-Child.

Dan Marino, giving the "thumbs up". "The sex was good." He said, speaking of his mistress.

WELL FOLKS, GUESS WHO ELSE HAS A LOVE-CHILD? Long-time football-guy-man-dude-thing, Dan Marino. But why? Why do so many celebrity men have extra-marital affairs? Dr. Stanley Lynn of the University of Puerto Rico, a specialist in field of Female Anatomy, explained, "Celebrity men who cheat on their wives are all governed by a principle which I have hypothesized in my many, many scientific journals, which sadly, nobody will ever read. Anyhow, my hypothesis basically combines the factors of the male penis, which is stimulated by the visualization of a female. This is a preliminary finding, but I believe males, generally, are inherently designed to actually want to insert their penises into the female vagina, without fear of the dreaded vaginal teeth that have been rumored to exist."

A spokesperson for Christian Families Living Unrealistically Perfect Lives, a non-profit group devoted to denouncing everything, denounced Dr. Lynn's findings, saying "We sincerely believe that once a man is wed to a woman through marriage with the proper legal documentation, that the all-powerful, infinitely supreme being beyond all of our comprehension and possible grasp of knowledge of his true nature, who could cause all of existence to cease by blinking, does not want men to stick their junk into any other woman besides the woman he signed those papers with."

Marino himself commented on the situation, saying, "Look. I take full responsibility for my actions, and by that, I mean I actually take zero responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be punished, and I will say whatever I possibly can to convince my family and fans to keep watching football shows that include me in them. What I did was very wrong, I mean, EXTREMELY wrong, however, in a contradictory thought juxtaposed to the prior half of this sentence, I have no regrets about anything. I mean, the sex was hot. Real hot. I loved squeezing her boobs and putting my dick in her pussy. Then, I would also cum. That part always made my dick feel just fantastic. However, the whole time, I was all like 'I hope my wife doesn't find out about this', but dang it, she found out! Haha, ya got me. You got me good."

Then, right there, at the press conference, a chimpanzee spontaneously combusted.

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Vanessa Hudgen Apologizes For Exposing Her Delicious Body

Disney, California - Vanessa Hudgens, star of that one movie where all the high school kids sing and dance, has apologized for her body. A few years ago or some shit, Hudgens faced a scandal involving leaked cellphone photos that she allegedly sent to co-star Zack Efron because "She lost a bet." The enbattled Disney star soon found herself in hot water for doing something that a normal adult woman is completely allowed to do with a normal adult man. "Kids don't understand nudity." an anonymous Disney executive commented, "When they see pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothing, they get super-confused and start wanting to take their clothes off to emulate their favorite star, and that's not appropriate behavior for an 8-year-old." 15 minutes later, the same executive was arrested for possession of child pornography, and boy, did he have a lot of it.

The apology, in part, read:

Dear fans,

What's up? It's me, Vanessa Hudgens, you know, from High School: The Musical 2. I know it's been a couple years now, but I guess I want to drag this back out into public by saying that there were some pictures of me that weren't meant to be released to the public, and I am very sorry for taking pictures that weren't meant to be released to the public. From now on, I will work hard to always take pictures of family-friendly things, like watermelons, or ponies, or carpet samples. I also promise to never go naked again. I will remain clothed while showering, and I will never remove this pair of underwear that I have on now. Don't ask me how I will be using the bathroom, but I can assure you, I have worked out a system.

She goes on to say that working for Disney means living up to a nonsensically unrealistic image of perfection that does not include violence, bad words, human anatomy or reproduction, life, reality, or logic, and that she pledges to live up to that standard 100% in the future.