Madonna To Suck A Million Dicks

If you're a male, Madonna wants your cum in her mouth!

JCG 2016 Election Coverage -- Last Thursday, Madonna "Madonna" Madonna put forth a tantalizing offer for every male who ever wanted to receive fellatio from a 60-year-old pop star with a fake English accent: To suck the dick of every man who would vote for Hillary Clinton. So far, millions of American males have signed up to have their genitals slurped by the aging Kabbala enthusiast in exchange for their allegiance to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. As of yet, it is not clear why Madonna has put forth this proposition, and the perplexing contingency is not lost on the receivers of the head. 

Stephen Banker, a 36-year-old attorney from Arkansas, spoke to JCG while waiting in the miles-long line to have his phallus engaged orally by the Material Girl herself. "I don't know why she wants to suck my dick." Banker said, adding, "I think a presidential candidate should be chosen on the merit of their policies, not for sexual reasons, but hey - head is head." Banker's wife, Hanna Banker, was initially upset with her husband for going to Madonna, but has come around, evidently. "Stephen has always wanted to get his dick sucked by Madonna," Mrs. Banker explained, "And I don't like Donald Trump, so this will get him to vote for Hillary, so our votes won't just cancel each other out, and this just kind of works."

Other men weren't so lucky. James Westville, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, left his long-time girlfriend of 20 years to plug Madonna's mouth-hole with his member. "I loved [my girlfriend]," Westville explained, "But this is Madonna we're talking about. I can't pass this opportunity to get my dick between her lips. She may be old now, but that just means she has experience."

According to Madonna's publicist, Madonna has trained hard to prepare for the onslaught of cocks that would be cumming her way in lieu of her offer. She is reported to have done 100 tongue-push-ups per day, and has an IV attached to her arm to keep her body hydrated and prevent chafing on the interior of her mouth. She will not eat for the next 16 days, at least, not a conventional meal. Human sperm is high in protein and essential nutrients, and she will be using the high vitality of a semen-based diet to maintain her stamina. 

We, of course, wish her the best in her mission!

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

OMG WTF @ TWITTER & FACEBOOK

Step aside, Selena Gomez. Rizzle Kicks has decreed that Carly Rae Jepsen should "totally" begin a formal relationship with prepubescent popstar, Justin Bitchface Bieber. This proclamation came as a pleasant surprise to readers of the popular time-wasting website, Twitter.com. Rizzle Kicks also expressed what observers described as a "gleeful ambiance" and "a spectacle of elation" when he spoke about his recommendation to the young popstars, adding, "OMG OMG LOLOLOLOLOL XXXXXXXXXX", but ended by issuing a formal apology to Selena Gomez, as she would be rendered boyfriendless if Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen negotiated a successful relationship in being.

I got this from my actual Facebook account. Relationships are difficult. Sometimes, despite our best attempts at romance, our consciousnesses clash with each other, and when these conflicts become unsolvable, shit hits the fan. So, someone I know went from being in a relationship to "Single" within a matter of seconds, and a few clicks of the mouse. A concerned friend asked what happened, to which the person I know replied, "It's over."

Well, duh.

DUH.

DUH.

Then again, you can't just ask someone a personal question like that and expect them to tell the truth and be like "He wanted to have sex with me through my anus and I absolutely refused to let that happen, and also, we hated each other."

Other world news: Donald Trump calls for Barack Obama to "kiss his ass" - New perfume released that increases the sex appeal of the person wearing it - Study reveals that women who swallow large amounts of semen have increased health benefits - Study was conducted by very lucky male scientists, "It was tough having women giving me oral sex all day, but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make for science." says Dr. P. Jensen - Genocide in Syria MILLIONS DEAD, DEAD BODIES LINE THE STREETS FOR MILES - Experts agree that 'camel toe' is sexy, but only on attractive women.