Game of War: moar liek game of whore

"Come play with me", the white-clad maiden says, staring into the camera with her beautiful blue eyes and plastic mammaries. Where have I seen this before? I can't quite recall, just something about 'making love to her against the evils' or some shit. So what do I expect from playing this game? Well, to be honest, huge battles and fornicating with seductive maidens and the occasional stint with the horrifying town wench after a night of feasting on mutton and filling my belly with so much wine that my judgement befalls. But instead, I get this bullshit:

"leave ur alliance bro"

Look, if I'm a fucking alliance, it's probably because I like my allies. They are good Protestant barons like myself who have relations to the Duchess of Burgundy, whose cousin is the Duke of Pomerania, who signed the Treaty of Lodz that promises the Princess of Lithuania will marry the King of Denmark. That is a confusing political curio that I can't just abandon because you need some allies so Brian won't send his cavalry to plunder your wheat fields, you fucking little bitch. If you can't get that through your thick skull, then you need to throw yourself out a window seriously.

Also, this game is Evony. 

And by 'Evony', I mean

illuminati.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes DIVORCE SCANDAL OMFG THANK YOU GOD I MEAN OH THAT'S SO SAD

Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. 

Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN. 

 

 According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.

ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!

It's 2012, last year of existence.

Well, the world is doomed.




















According to this Mayan calender, the due date for the utter annihilation of all humanity is set for December 21st, 2012, sometime around 4:30ish, so be sure to eat an early last meal if you want dinner. Now, I've been saying this for years; the world is going to end and blah blah blah and you probably thought I was just kidding. Well, I wasn't. Right now, I'm spending a majority of my time putting the final touches on my underground fortress, which is specifically designed to resist nuclear war, meteors, tornadoes, cicadas, Lindsay Lohan's clitoris, and lava. However, if the bunker is covered by a large amount of water and/or dirt, I am so screwed.

My supplies will include:

• - 3,650 cans of pork and beans
• - 8,000 gallons of water
• - A crowbar to kill zombies
• - Weed, man
• - Attractive Russian women
• - A bear trap
• - A manicure set, because there is nothing worse then having to go through an apocalypse with a hangnail

Why we are going to die:
















Alright, take a look at this chart. First, we have the sun, which is slightly larger than Jupiter. Then we have the so-called "inner planets", Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars. Our moon, Luna, is also shown, and is smaller than Pluto on this chart for a reason I can't fully explain. Then we have the so-called "outer planets", starting with the purple giant, Jupiter. Then we have Saturn with it's sideways rings, the always innuendo-stricken purple planet, Uranus, then Neptune. Then we have Pluto, which is most certainly not a dwarf planet just because it's smaller than a standard softball. Finally, we have Niburu.

Niburu is also known as Planet X, Tiamat, Nemesis, Marduk, Skyrim, and Shangra-La. Exactly every 4,932 years, the elliptical orbit of this celestial body loops back around to the inner solar system, and will come perilously close to the Earth. This will result in three major happenings:

1. A massive gravitational disruption that will cause major Earthquakes.
2. An asteroid the size of Arkansas to slam directly into, of all places, Arkansas.
3. The Lizard-Men will invade the Earth.





















The Lizard-Men will do battle with Earth's mightiest Amazon warriors, but in the end, will prevail and most likely kill us all. How do I know the Lizard-Men actually exist and aren't just random thing I made up out of thin air for no fucking reason!? It's simple. Think about all those ancient gods that the Akkadians worshiped. The gods were A) Lizard-Men, B) Came from space. Also, there is this:

Does this look familiar? No? Well, it should. What do you mean you've never seen this before? Good God. Go get a dollar bill and look at the back side of it. Yeah. See that? See that weird pyramid with the eye over it? Now, either the Founding Fathers were on acid when they designed that, or it's symbolism for something. Now, look at the picture here. Doesn't that eye look kind of reptilian? The scaly flesh? Ignore the eyebrow for a second and focus on how green and lizard-like that skin is. Hot damn. Basically, what it means is that the Lizard-Men are watching over us, and could kill us at any moment. Now, you may be wondering why they would want to kill a nice civilization like us. Because, we're bastards. We killed Bambi's mom. We eat manufactured food that tastes like other food that grows naturally with money that we got from jobs provided by super-rich evil overlords who exploit child labor in Bolivia, who in turn, grow up to be rapists. We are collectively responsible for Richard Simmons.

We have it coming, in other words.















Happy New Year!

Why Can't Jen Find Love!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!/1/1//1/1/1/1/1/1/1/

She's America's sweetheart. She has inspired millions and entertained billions. She went down into a well to save a trapped baby. She invented bread. However, when it comes to the affairs of the heart, Jen can't find love.

We all want Jen to find love. To quote astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, "The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which is that Jen might find love." and I concur pertinaciously. A cynical nihilist may assert that the presumed status of Jen's perceived romantic quagmire and our steadfast societal quixotic disposition to absolve Jen of her singlenessicity is floccinaucinihilipilificated. And you probably are thinking that I waited in a leopard-like state to pounce on the opportunity to utilize that word. You're damn right, in that case! But, as for all you Jen-doubters, I would implore you to think outside your dimly-lit box of no intellectual objectivity, anti-Jen-findinglove-ivity, and embrace the universally accepted negative-utilitarianist view that shows that Jen being in a relationship is good for us all.

Perhaps you've seen the rabid paparazzi, (Who have been medically diagnosed with Rabies, possibly early signs of the Rage Virus) exhibiting photos of Jen being single in public, which only work to exacerbate Jen's almost-certain distress concerning the fact that she's going to die alone in an apartment filled with cats and empty ice cream cartons while attempting a highly advanced Yoga pose. If you've seen such photos and maintain your insistent insouciance towards Jen, then you are not human. You're an alien or a centaur or something. Suppose you were single for a long time after dating someone who received the prestigious "hottest person in the world award" from ugly fat gay men. That would be absolutely fucked up, wouldn't it? I rest my case.

Now that we've establishment beyond a reasonable doubt that Jen needs love, then we now need to assess why Jen can't find love. A theory circulated by certain underground sources suggested that perhaps that behind the scenes, Jen is an erratic emotional mess, and expresses herself primarily through bitchiness. This theory is obvious bullshit. I don't even want to hear that shit.

So I did what Perez Hilton does: I went to the salons with gay guys, because all the hottest celebz (With a z) go in there to get their hair and make-up done by the gays, and they gossip to each other as the gays secretly listen. Perez Hilton then slips in the back door(If you know what I mean) and gets the scoop from the hair stylists (If you know what I mean). I did precisely this, and I heard from an unnamed source that Jen is enjoying being single. Upon hearing such motherfucking bullshit, I slapped him across the face and walked out indignantly. I'm still working on finding out why Jen can't find love, but I have a lot of secret sources who are currently being interrogated by Dick Cheney in a black site, so I'm certain that I will be able to deliver some answers to the American Public soon.

Godspeed!

Random Kate Middleton Pictures

This is England's Princess Kate Middleton of Chesterweschter or whatever. It's not important. What I'm really concerned about is the legacy of the Royal Family, because without them, the people of England would have billions of extra pounds (What those blokes call their dollars) that they would use to buy America and turn it into a dystopian nightmare out of the acid-induced visions of George Orwell. I'm talking like, we'd have electric cars and watch dog races on network television. If that happened, I'd go deep underground and start a gorilla war. Yes, I meant to say "gorilla". If you have no idea what a gorilla war is, then you need go back to kindergarten and start over with finger-painting. Here's the real reason I'm saying all of this: I don't trust Kate Middleton and neither should you. Prince William has royal blood and is constantly injecting his royal semen into Kate Middleton's non-royal muffin. She is a filthy commoner. We all know this, but no one wants to say anything. They're afraid that black vans are going to pull up and men in dark suits will have a firm, but polite talk with you about judging the character of others. I'm not afraid though. How could royalty fall in love with non-royalty? The answer is obvious: she is a Soviet-trained super-agent waiting to be activated on Day X, and steal all of Prince William's precious gold. All she would have to do is find the location of the gold, and stuff a little bit of it into her pocket every day, then "go for a little stroll", in which she delivers the gold to her contacts with the secret Colombian underground druglords. In short, Prince William was seduced by a mistress of seduction, who is about to shock the world by stealing all of his gold.

Until then, enjoy these pictures of Kate Middleton's diverse range of fashion:

IT'S FRIDAY FRIDAY - A very meanie mean critique

It's friday. You know what that means! Time to power-trip on the internet!

As a high-powered ruthless soulless stalkerazzi with no remorse in my heart and no need for sleep or food, I am on a constant power trip. Once, while hiding in Tom Cruise's bushes, I was like "Damn, I'm good." so I don't need any extra power-tripping. If anything, I need medication to take it down a notch, because damn, I'm good. Other people, such as unnamed internet music producers, need to power-trip it up at everyone's expense.

However, the music video for Friday is trippin' like crazy, and also incidentally, is bad in every way humanly possible. Is it worse than genocide? Possibly. Genocide is really, really, really bad. Friday is only really, really bad with two "reallys". But does it deserve the criticism it receives by millions of outraged people/robots?

Yes.

There is theory "out there" which is that all publicity is good publicity. Well, let's put that to the test with this review.

On rating system of 1 to 10 stars, I give Friday a good solid -392,782,281,983,198,452,102,002.45, and I spit upon it with nastiest, snot-filled blob of spittle imaginable. If this were the movie industry, Friday would be the equivalent of Gigli, or perhaps even Plan 9 From Outer Space. It is rumored that Dick Cheney developed Ark Records as a method of torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay so that they will reveal the location of the 500 billion dollars in gold that Osama bin Laden hides in his beard. I suspect this is the case, because when I was chatting with Dick Cheney on AOL back in the day, one of his screen names was TrizzyGangsta13, and the Youtube Channel hosting the abomination known as Friday is Trizzy66. Coincidence!? OR SECRET ILLUMINATI PLOT?

I wish there was a way to take Friday, and turn it into some form of toilet paper, so I could wipe the shit off my ass with it and then watch as it spins down into the toilet never to be seen again except by the sewer-dwelling elite mutant turtle fighting force. But I know that this dream of mine is impossible, because you cannot make toilet paper out of shit. If you did that, you'd be wiping shit with more shit, and then everyone would just agree that it was a terrible invention.

I should clarify that Ark Records barely qualifies as a "record label", but for all intents and purposes, I will to refer to it as such. Also, if any of the girls involved in the production read this by some bizarre twist of fate, I just want to say that you made a very poor life decision, but I hope that you can move on and become stronger as people or something. What I mean is, this isn't like smoking weed in high school; this is like smoking crack in high school. I hope this analogy provides you with some perspective on how poor the decision to be involved in this project was.

Now, some of the other critiques of Friday have been fairly brutal, so I'm going to tone mine down and keep it sweet and simple. First of all, I do not wish any of the grizzly fates some incredibly insensitive people have suggested befall Ms. Black, but maybe like, maybe she could get stung by large number of bees or something. I, of course, would not release the bees personally, and would never involve myself in anything involving bees. Then again, I'd rather work with bees for the rest of my life rather than be even a lowly stage-hand in the production of Friday.

Rebecca Black's voice is horrendous, and sounds like a room full of people singing "Happy Birthday" out of tune. Her voice is the reason Simon Cowell quit American Idol. Her voice is the reason Christina Aguilera will quit NBC's The Voice. Her voice is the reason for the recent Tsunami/Earthquake/Nuclear disaster in Japan. I can barely believe that's her actual voice. I'm almost positive the original track was sung by a choir of mentally handicapped people, and she merely lip-synched over it.

The song itself was written by a 3-year-old girl with a red crayon on a piece of yellow construction paper. Then it was slapped down on the wooden crate Trizzy uses for a desk in what can be described as a "barely functional office space" and he was all like "This shit is genius! Let me just bust a rhyme on this track and it'll go platinum!" and then they did some elaborate handshake.

Then they spammed the shit out of the internet. Oh boy, did they ever spam. OH, don't worry that everyone thinks the video is a flaming pile of dung that will be the end of civilization itself, at least you got almost 60 million views (so far), and that's all that matters, right? 60 million is such a big number. And you earned it. So pop some bubbly and give the middle finger to all the haters, because hot damn, that number is big. You did it. You got the big number.

Some Hot Hot Election Action

Time to put away the stale Halloween candy, because it's blogging time.





















Ladies and Gentlemen, recently, in boring politics news, America held it's mid-term elections, which were filled with a galore of stuffy upper-class drama. I know, Randy Quaid is going to court and is trying to flee to Canada, Charlie Sheen killed a hooker, and Snooki's top got half ripped-off in a drunken club fight, but I believe being a good journalist involves covering boring stories, especially political ones.

First of all: America, you did it. You stood up with one voice, and said "No, we can't." and I applaud that sort of random defiance. Tea-Partiers, you did it. Your Hitler-mustachioed posters have turned the tide of Obamostalinism sending Grandma to the death factories to be ground into hamburger just because she's a non-productive person who complains whenever I change the channel, but then criticizes everything about the show we're watching while smoking her damn cigarette.

In seriousness, though, our nation was in a fairly bad state before, but now America is going to get what it wants: a tax cut for the top 1% of the population, who already dodge taxes 24/7 by hiding all their money in secret Swiss accounts. If that doesn't bring the 90s back, I don't know what will.


First, in Christine O'Donnell's race, the Tea Party was hoping to snipe a predominantly Communist state of Delaware, however, Christine O'Donnell (Who is most certainly not a witch), was massacred by Chris Coons, who lives in a cage in Harry Reid's basement. Harry Reid keeps him alive by throwing him large amounts of raw meat. Despite a rallying wave of Tea Partying, O'Donnell could not secure the grape state of Delaware, and had to deliver what had to be the weirdest concession speech I've ever heard, which started off by her announcing "We have won!", and then reading a list of demands for Chris Coons to follow.




In Harry Reid news, the embattled Senate Majority Leader was expected to be raped by Sharrron Angle, the Tea Party favorite in Nevada. Reid, significantly down in the polls, largely due to the very high unemployment in his state, and unable to rally his constituency by way of sheer candor and charisma (as he has neither), employed an age-old political strategy: Just sitting there doing nothing while his opponent says stuff that's just nuts. Indeed, Sharron Angle's apparent list of off-color comments led voters to believe that she'd probably be worse than the leadership of the man who oversaw the worst unemployment in the state's history. When informed of her apparent loss for the Nevada senatoral race, Sharron Angle said "Zip zap zoop!" and flew off to the land of orange zebras.







One of the most high-profile Governator races was for the executive position in Colifornia. This unexciting horse race took place between the perpetually-running-for-governor Jerry Brown, and Meg Whitman, a CEO of e-Bay, a web-based auction where foreigners trick Americans into sending them money, then deleting their e-bay accounts without sending anything. Whitman failed to secure this election, despite having spent an approximate 1,000,000,000,000 dollars on her campaign. In a rage, she withdrew to her Lombardy estate, where she is currently brooding how unfair life is.





Speaking of voteration in Governor races, Emperor Palpatine's evil twin, Carl Paladino, while not a Tea-Party darling, appeared to have a remote chance of winning New Yawk's gubernatorial race. It all began with him sending donkey-show porn to his staff members, which convinced many New Yorkers that he might be cool enough to consider voting for. However, he was still behind in the polls, and suddenly, the plot thickened when Fred Dicker of The New Yorker and Carl Paladino had a Dragonball Z style confrontation where they just powered up for like 2 episodes while talking a ton of trash. Paladino was invited onto Fox News, where he explained that the confrontation took place because the media was out to get him, because the media backed the establishment, which made sense on paper until you realize that The New Yorker and Fox News are both owned by Rupert Murdoch, who supports Republicans like Paladino! Secret illuminati plot!

P.S. - Paladino lost lol



Like Harry Reid, Speaker O' The House, Nancy Pelosi was facing an uphill battle to be re-elected, but uh, she won, so no biggie. However, due the utter Republican pwnage in the House of Representatives, Democrats are now a minority, so Pelosi's position as Speaker Of The House is now in question, as the party with a majority of seats gets to do the speaking for The House. It is not yet known if she will step down as Speaker Of The House, or hole up in a cabin with a shotgun in a stand-off with cops in a last-gasp attempt to hold onto the position. It is speculated that if such a scenario should unfold, she will probably be sniped by Lon Horiuchi. The authorities would then storm the cabin and retrieve the Speaker Of The House position, and hand it to John Boehner (Whose last name is pronounced 'Boner', which is appropriate, because he has one right now, out of sheer excitement) although it is highly unlikely that this will happen.




I know there were a lot more races, like Rand Paul's important pick up of Kentucky, and Joe Manchin's wtf-win in West Virginia, but it's late, and the candy buzz is starting to wear off. I would like to congratulate The Republicans on their uberpwnage, and I know all the Conservatives have really intense boners right now. If anything, this election signifies that the agenda of President Obama sounds really muslimy to a lot of people, and it really pisses them off. This election just goes to show that if you regulate corporations, they will spend a ton of money to make you look like a douchebag to the American people, and indeed they did, so once again, Democracy prevails.

So take that, Castro.

Hot Girl of The Week: Iliza Shlesinger

I know, I know. I didn't even post anything last week, but I must continue this series, or the world will melt into a pool of delicious butter, which will be used by Little Black Sambo to eat 5,932 pancakes.

This week's addition introduces Last Comic Standing champion and Comedy Central Presents alumni Iliza Shlesinger, whose name I always I misspell before hitting the delete key several times to correct myself. It's pretty bad, because I hate when people misspell my last name, which is also a doozy to those who have difficultly with last names more difficult than "Smith". But I digress (whatever that means).




















She is one of my favorite comedians, mostly because of her looks, which are top-notch. As far as other facts about her go, she's blonde... I don't know if it's natural or if she's just fakin' it, and she appears to be between 18-39 years old. I'm 90% sure she's an American citizen and was not born in Kenya, and is probably not part of a secret illuminati plot, but I have been wrong before. I had this co-worker at Auntie Anne's, a soft-pretzel stand in the mall, and he just seemed like this ordinary guy who couldn't make change very well, but it turns out he was part of a secret illuminati plot. Whodathunkit.

If I could give Iliza any advice, it would be: You can't do lunges as well as me.

I don't think Iliza and I would be compatible as a couple because, during her act, she did these super-deep lunges. Normally, you wouldn't think that'd be issue, except that I also do super-deep lunges, and I think we'd be competing to see who can do the deepest lunges, and it'd get really out of hand and we'd fight all the time. Just last night, I was doing these insane lunges and was like "These are way deeper than Iliza's." but in the back of my mind, I was like wondering how deep Iliza's lunges had gotten since the Comedy Central show and I knew I had to train harder. God, where does one get the nerve to work their freakish athleticism into their act?

Hot Girl Of The Week: Rihanna

Every week, I am going to write an article on a hot girl of my choosing. The reason I am doing this is that there is no reason, and the very act of me writing this is a reason unto itself. Also, what if I told you that the mob would put a hit on your head if I told you? What if I told you, it would ruin the mystique?

The honor of the first week's Hot Girl goes to Rihanna:




















Rihanna is a successful R&B singer/secret illuminati member who was born in Barbados about 20-something years ago. She is known for her melodious and soulfully whiny voice, gorgeous soft face, and her constantly-changing hairstyles.

My personal advice to Rihanna would be: gurl, pick a hairstyle like omg lol

I don't think she and I would be compatible as partners because she is currently insanely rich and I am insanely poor. Also, I would probably want to go back to white girls, because you know I loves me the white chocolate, but all-in-all, I'd definitely hit it. For sure.

Also, as a bonus picture, I found this very cool "Manga Rihanna" on FreakingNews: