Disney Airs 6 Minutes of Hardcore Porn During 'Lilo & Stitch' For No Explanable Reason

North Carolina - It was a pleasant evening with a blue sky, and a triple rainbow in the sky. Birds were singing and butterflies were flapping their wings in the wind. The temperature was very pleasant and it was the perfect day for Georgie Brown and her unknown number of children, until DISASTER STRUCK. About half-way into a recorded movie of Disney's Lilo & Stitch, everything went to Hell. During one of the most loving and good-spirited Disney movies of all-time, yo, 6 minutes of hardcore pornography splashed onto the screen, leaving Brown's children to sit and stare at a couple doing horrible, horrible (but totally natural) things.

Despite President Obama's pleas for peace, several radical underground groups have begun burning pictures of Walt Disney in the streets, and their bearded leaders have vowed "Massive retaliation that will leave the infidels as a mere memory to be torn from the pages of the history books, which will also be burned." Governor Mitt Romney has already weighed in on the matter, saying "I think the President has been very weak on the Disney crisis, and that ICBMs with thermonuclear warheads should absolutely be utilized in this instance to rain death from above on all those who dare oppose American exceptionalism." 

Meanwhile, Georgie Brown, as seen above with Lilo & Stitch in the background just to be condescending to all of you idiots, is demanding answers, and she will not stop until she gets them. Some sources say that she has even used extremist language of violence, such as "This is pretty unacceptable." and "How did this even happen? This makes no sense." Disney claims that they have no idea what happened, the satellite television provider also has stated: "This is literally impossible. We just have no idea how this could have happened, and none of our employees are the least bit disgruntled or perfidious enough to attempt an anonymous prank, because the local manager most certainly does not verbally abuse them at all, ever."

Officially, nobody knows anything about anything, but experts agree that this situation, although completely unacceptable, is still pretty fucking funny.

Vanessa Hudgen Apologizes For Exposing Her Delicious Body

Disney, California - Vanessa Hudgens, star of that one movie where all the high school kids sing and dance, has apologized for her body. A few years ago or some shit, Hudgens faced a scandal involving leaked cellphone photos that she allegedly sent to co-star Zack Efron because "She lost a bet." The enbattled Disney star soon found herself in hot water for doing something that a normal adult woman is completely allowed to do with a normal adult man. "Kids don't understand nudity." an anonymous Disney executive commented, "When they see pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothing, they get super-confused and start wanting to take their clothes off to emulate their favorite star, and that's not appropriate behavior for an 8-year-old." 15 minutes later, the same executive was arrested for possession of child pornography, and boy, did he have a lot of it.

The apology, in part, read:

Dear fans,

What's up? It's me, Vanessa Hudgens, you know, from High School: The Musical 2. I know it's been a couple years now, but I guess I want to drag this back out into public by saying that there were some pictures of me that weren't meant to be released to the public, and I am very sorry for taking pictures that weren't meant to be released to the public. From now on, I will work hard to always take pictures of family-friendly things, like watermelons, or ponies, or carpet samples. I also promise to never go naked again. I will remain clothed while showering, and I will never remove this pair of underwear that I have on now. Don't ask me how I will be using the bathroom, but I can assure you, I have worked out a system.

She goes on to say that working for Disney means living up to a nonsensically unrealistic image of perfection that does not include violence, bad words, human anatomy or reproduction, life, reality, or logic, and that she pledges to live up to that standard 100% in the future.