NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."

Ellen Page is a Lesbian

Bam. JCG's stamp of approval for Ellen Page's lesbianism. I personally find this turn of events to be rather unsurprising considering that she just gave me that lesbo vibe. I don't know exactly what it was, but I suspected it, just like I suspect Oprah is a lesbian as well. It is my sincere hope that Ellen Page releases photos of her making out with other girls while nude soon, cuz this boner ain't gonna take care of itself, and my girlfriend is in Colorado on a "business trip" where I bet she's screwing her boss, that fucking skank. And if you read this, Paulina, and you don't return my phone calls, I swear to god I will go fucking ballistic. I will shake the foundations of the earth. You better pick up your fucking phone, because I'm tired of your fucking games, bitch.

But uh, anyhow, congratulations to Ellen Page for being gay and stuff, and we here at JCG wish her nothing but the best in her quest for same-sex pussy. However, our sources cannot confirm if she was born a lesbian or simply "converted", which my girlfriend did before we started going out, because we met as friends and then she said she had feelings for me, and I was like well I thought you was a lesbian and then she just kissed me, and JESUS PAULINA I LOVE YOU. PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE. PLEASE.

The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Kristen and Robert's Tension Rise; Team Edward Loses Ground

Word has it that America's least-beloved couple, Kristin Stewart, who is incapable of human emotions other than "boredom" and "disgust", and Robert Patterson, who is some random white kid, have a whirlwind romance that is on the rocks. The couple reportedly "doesn't give a shit", much to the dismay of Twilight, in which both Stewart and Patterson are actors. That's right. The whole damn series as an entity is upset about this. DVDs are suddenly developing consciousness, and anthropomorphic mouths that have communicated to the public and to our news sources that they want "Those two to just work things out." A poster for the latest Twilight movie (I don't know what it's called, but it's probably something like "Solar Equinox" or "Quarter Moon") reportedly came to life momentarily, and the image of Bella Swan, an unpopular character from the series played by Kristin Stewart, shed a single tear of what can only be described as "contrived sadness". 

This news of a rift between Kristin Stewart and Edward Cullen Robert Patterson has come as great news to Team Jacob, a group of Lycan-supporting zealots who seek to see Kristin Stewart's Bella Swan fall in love with a certain werewolf named Jacob. I hate to editorialize at times like these, but I personally think werewolves are like, awesome, because they're wolfs. All Edward does is turn into a bat at night, and uses his supersonic echo-radar to hunt insects, whereas Jacob turns into a wolf and eats elk, wild boars and even his own body and then saying "Chaos... REIGNS" to Willem DaFoe right before his evil wife smashes his nuts with a sledgehammer. That's pretty awesome right there. All I can say is this: do not despair, citizens of America. The power of love never prevails in Hollywood, which is a bottomless pit of soul-sucking godlessness that has a never-ending unquenchable thirst for ruining relationships. Personally, I blame Obama.

(Picture by some website, but I cannot read the damn watermark because it's too small and the letters are all garbled, so thanks to them.)