The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Breaking News: Miley Cyrus Cuts Hair Really Poorly

Miley. For years, she just been a simple country gal with really messed-up teeth who did a little bit of pole-dancing here and there. But in recent days, crack has come into the picture. Yes, folks, we can confirm that Miley Cyrus has inhaled a large amount of crack cocaine, because damn, look at that hair-cut. Miley's father, Billy Ray Cyrus, who rose to fame during the 80s or 90s or some shit with his single "Honky Tonk, Badonkadonk", a lovely little ditty about having sex with large-assed women, has come forward and has said "Nobody better make fun of my daughter, because she is a precious little angel." to reporters before heading back to his trailer with a couple of groupies at his side. There is no word yet on whether or not the groupies are anyone's daughters.

Brace yeself brethren, for a new dawn bringth a new age! Indeed! For twas our forefathers who spoketh forth of a time such as this, for us to embrace like a she-wolf coddling her cubs - this beast, this villainy that dare declare itself to be the crown of Miley; condemned be any man, woman or child who doth not make mockery of such crockery! Ye, even the rodents beneath our feet crow thine air with laughter and ye best harken to this cacophony, for it is a blessing to the ear of all whom hear it! To what end does this maiden vex our continence wit thou craven malmsey-nosed scullian! Thy hair tis is like the toad; ugly and venomous. Thou art a wench of the lowest regard, thine hair is that of the gorgons - NAY - that of Medusa herself, queen of hideousness, who cradles serpents upon her head.

Miley has turned into a crazy girl, like this one here. If you see her, run.

This latest unusual Hollywood hair-cut is seen by Celebrity Analysts as a sign of repressed craziness, which is often revealed early by warning signs, often marked by odd behavior, insane hair-cuts, criminal acts, acts of random lewdness, sudden habitual sex addiction and drug/alcohol usage, and sudden but entirely unexpected marriages. Dr. Kurt Von Weinerschnozel, a senior researcher for the U.S. Institute for the Study of Celebrity Behavior, commented on Saturday, stating, "Yo, dat haircut is fucked-up, yo. Dat bitch crazy. She must be smokin' crack or somethin'." which was enough to set off a firestorm of questions surrounding the personal life of Miley Cyrus. Fans of Miley have come to love her "all-American girl" look, which was actually quite generic while aesthetically-pleasing, and a very non-assuming demeanor that was both boring as fuck, and meanwhile, "safe for the whole family". As such, we here at JCG and other Celeb Magazines expect nothing short of perfection, and although technically, Miley Cyrus has not broken any laws or acted unethically with her haircut, we would like to maintain that we believe she is crazy and nuts and is probably smoking crack.

Insane Anti-Justin Bieber Post

Or is it the greatest expression of sanity?

A portrait of Justin Bieber, who has become the most reviled human being in the world.

I want to be fair. So I will. I used to respect Ludacris, until he appeared in Fred Claus and collaborated with Justin Bieber, and now I'm setting autographed copies of Chicken N Beer on fire in my front yard despite warnings from the city zoning commission to stop. I know Justin is just a kid, and doesn't deserve such bitter resentment, personal hatred, death threats, and unwarranted slander, but I think you should know when to say when, even if you're just a kid. How in the holy name of fuck can Justin Bieber think it's prudent to continue his singing career after facing an overwhelming backlash like the world has never seen? How can his parents think it's okay to continue letting Justin Bieber endure a barrage of ad hominem attacks without pulling the plug on the whole operation out of fear that their son will cut his own throat open with a chainsaw out of sheer frustration!? Although many angry, pitch-fork-waving minions of hell will disagree with me, I don't want to see that happen.

Please, Justin, if you happen to read this, I implore you to do the following:

• 1) Please end your music career asaply.
• 2) Tell Usher to fuck off.
• 3) Go into the woods to hunt and eat a wild boar.
• 4) Give one solemn apology to everyone in the world.
• 5) Do not commit suicide or start doing drugs. Remember that life can be awesome even if you're not famous and rich.

And now, the angry Youtube comments. Youtube is a particularly angry community, and even posting something cool can provoke their unwarranted ire. Enjoy:

Just came for my daily dislike.

HatrixTron 13 minutes ago

Thumbs up if u wan Justin Bieber to Die

DarkDevilx3 54 minutes ago

TACTICAL MUTE INCOMING!!!

charmingsparow 1 hour ago

the superdong is displeased with the level of hilarity here

superdong666 3 hours ago

Justin bieber should make a cover of Beyonce's song "If I were a boy".

OctoberRust96 5 hours ago

a typical fan:

i think 2 come on here and call justin bieber a c*** and want him to die is horrorfying. when my mum took a glimpse of this comment section she nearly cried, because of all of this bullying towards one human being.

get a life u fucking pathetic losers. nobody deserves this shit and i think deep down u all know it.

Joshsgirlxx 8 hours ago

Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.

007tylord 11 hours ago

Why do you insult her?? She's a very beautiful girl...:O

TheCaesar1995 15 hours ago

Pause the video, look at the likes and not likes, and leave.

SuperMegaHallo 17 hours ago

I knew it! Drugs! He's on drugs. That's the only way someone could sing the songs he do and live with it. Drugs or insanity. Had he not used drugs i guess he would have buckled under long ago.

TheLordofNorwegians 22 hours ago

etc.

Now, I'm not going to go "DIE BIEBER U SUCK FUCK U" because that's been done 7 trillion times and is downright tacky and unnecessarily cruel. I'm classy on Thursdays. His music, however, is fair game.

Keep in mind, that I'm not "jealous" of Justin Bieber. Only a dunce could come up with that mental connection; I have no problem with people being successful. Mr. Bieber is actually a marginally decent singer, but the songs that have been penned for him are garbage. Actually, 'garbage' is an understatement because if his songs were materialized, landfills would literally become sentient and reject Bieber's music from their confines for being too filthy to tolerate. The song "Baby" sounds like a combination of an orca having diarrhea while free-falling out of an airplane, a bird hitting a window, nails scratching across a chalkboard, a car running over a baby, a baby screaming in the restaurant while you're trying to just relax and eat a fucking burrito, babies screaming at 3 a.m., and a tech-9 being fired directly into one's ear. Never Say Never makes Ben Stein's intelligent-design documentary look like Hotel Rwanda or something else that's really good.

I rate Justin Bieber's music, albums, youtube channel, and videos all 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001 out of 1,000,000,000 stars, hereby declare them to be most decadent and horrifying tragedy of the modern era, lower than parasitic worms, more reviled than Nazism, the mother of all trainwrecks when the train skipped off the tracks and somehow slammed into a Boeing 747 in-flight. May God have mercy on all of our souls.

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