NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: BOXXY

 This is going to be the worst best thing I've ever done, period.

In an increasingly inconsistent and poorly-planned manner, Hot Girl of Ze Week marches on, and I present to you one of my favorite hot girls: Catie "Boxxy" Wayne. She catapulted to fame after some random person posted in the "you rage, you lose" thread, in which you have to subject yourself to various annoyances without getting angry for the arbitrary pride of winning. You don't even get a cheap plastic trophy for it. Well, as it so happens, people actually responded positively, and MoldyLunchBoxx's vids caused World War 3. China declared war and mobilized 20,000,000 troops, along with 5,000 vehicles, 500 warships, and deployed 1,200 nuclear-tipped ICBMs. After the destruction was over, Boxxy died, but then came back to life and revealed that the spastic alter-ego "Boxxy" was a ruse, leading us all to axe ourselfs, "Was it all part of a plot????"

Now, here's what I like about Boxxy - she's utterly insane, kind of like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, who I also find hot for the same reason. I want the kind of girl who will chop my penis off my sleep and throw it on the side of the road because she looked at my cellphone and saw a girl named "Christine" in my contacts. Now, whatever you may think of Boxxy, whether good or bad, one thing is clear: Even if the 'character' is a facade, to produce such a character, you need to have an element of that character's being in your imagination, which puts them deep in your consciousness. This leads to my hypothesis that giraffes should sprout wings and fly away to Mars, and also that Boxxy might actually be crazy irl, and could possibly be capable of cutting someone's cock off.

If I could give one piece of advice to Boxxy, it would be: black shirt, black room, black hair, black eye-liner AROUND the eyes. Stick to the formula. Also, don't listen to Svetlana, she is a bitch and her cat is a bitch.

Unfortunately, I don't think Boxxy and I are incapable as a couple, because anyone who marries Boxxy will be targeted for assassination by an elite team of international death-ninjas, most of whom are Asian and can fly. If death-ninjas attacked, I would only be able to kill 7 out of 10 ninjas before being slain; seven is my limit to anti-ninja combat, I'm working on increasing that number by doing 5,000 crunches a day and eating nothing but fresh cucumbers for a month. The ninjas, of course, would employed by a 4chan.org's largest division, The Newfags. Within The Newfag order, there is a subdivision of fags known as The Boxxyfags, who defend their 'queen' to death, and for me to violate her with my penis would break their strict code of Boxxy-Purity. There are more Boxxyfags than Smith clones. There number is equal to exactly infinity plus five. That means I couldn't possibly beat them all off. I would just spend all my beating them off; just beating off tons and tons of horny, angry men, so yeah, I think for this reason, Boxxy might not be ideal for me as a potential girlfriend. Bye, Addy!

 

Special Report: Uma Thurman's Pussy Sighted

12:29 Cali time - Uma Thurman's pussy was spotted on the beach by trained photographers, who captured the pussy on film for the purpose of publication the other day, prompting a firestorm of controversy. "Holy shit," Jacob Jameson, a Professional Cinematographer and Photographical Artist said last Thursday, "I totally saw Uma Thurman's pussy. Like... it was Uma Thurman... but with her pussy exposed." Other observers, like 18-year-old intern photographer Wayne Turnpike, reported similar accounts of what they saw that fateful day. "It was like," Turnpike explained, clearly still excited, "It was Uma Thurman, but with nothing covering the bottom part of her. I've never seen anything like this." However, there are skeptics. A spokesman for the U.S. Air Force Intelligence Branch said during a press conference "What you saw was probably the planet Venus, which often takes on the appearance of celebrity clitoris in certain lights. It's also quite possible what you saw was a small Cessna Jetliner, or even a weather balloon, which you have mistaken for Uma Thurman's pussy." This dismal dismissal was met with criticism by witnesses who observed the event firsthand. "I know what I saw." Turnpike protested, "It wasn't the planet Venus or a weather balloon. It was definitely Uma Thurman's pussy. I know a pussy when I see one, and this was definitely one that belonged to Uma Thurman. Such a condescending explanation is very patronizing and upsetting, and I am personally appalled by the U.S. Government's lack of response to the situation which is quite clearly been proven to be happening between Uma Thurman's legs."

Umathurmanpussyologists have offered an explanation for the dismissal though, saying, "If civilization saw Uma Thurman's pussy, think about the implications on society. Religion would be meaningless. There would be mass panic, and ejaculate flowing in the streets."

The alleged picture, taken by professional Stalkerazzi ninjas, followed Thurman to a remote and secret island which isn't even on standard geography maps (As a secret getaway for celebrities who want to be left alone) and spotted Thurman on the beach, lifting her skirt, which reportedly revealed her pussy. "It was almost like she wanted us to see her pussy." an anonymous Stalkerazzi cameraman said, adding: "Why else would she fly to a secret island?"

LeAnn Rimes is too skinny and needs to eat.

Look at this:











Now look at this:























Now look at this:













Now look at this:





















Do I even need to write anything here? Yes, when your hip bones protrude abnormally far out and you can see your ribs, it's called "abs", love. Amy Paterson, shame on you. SHAME. Now Leann has to run the talk-show gauntlet to tell all the hosts she can that she's not anorexic. In the before-and-after pictures, you can clearly see she's wearing strips across, which makes her APPEAR heavier. In the second picture, she's wearing blue, which makes you look anorexic. So please, people, Leann Rimes is healthy as... as... fuck! So leave her alone, or else I will come to your house, and have a polite but firm conversation with you on how your words are hurtful.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Lady Sovereign; Possible Lapse In Judgment

So yeah.

This week, I was originally going to go with Asian supermodel Du Juan, but then I got really really drunk. It's not because I'm a racist who refuses to mention Asians, but I'm also not a weeaboo. I promise to do an Asian girl next time.

Oh, nobody cares? Alright, then I'm going to go with Jeffree Star.

Oh, okay, anyhow, Louise "Lady Sovereign" Harman was born in The British Empire sometime last Thursday or something, who is a grime rapper/Jentina-stomper. She also has been signed as a professional midget, and therefore, spends a significant amount of time being short. As a recording artist, Lady Sovereign has had mixed mainstream success, being signed to Def Jam records under Jay-Z, but the pressure of being heavily overworked caused her to go "Fuck Jay-Z" and she hopped on a fishing boat and returned to bloody England, where she joined the cast of the British Big Brother. Also, as a performer, she is an anomaly, because according to her own words, she can neither sing nor dance, but her area of expertise is "being Lady Sovereign" which makes no damn sense!

If I could give Lady Sovereign any advice, it would be: If some whiny emcee disses you multiple times on a track for no reason, it's 'cuz she be a jealous bitch; wanted to be on your track just a few years before, probably will be wearing a jelly donut costume following you a few years later.

I don't think Lady Sovereign and I would work out as a couple if we ever met, because first of all, I'd need to amass like thousands of dollars for one "random night" with Lady Sovereign, because let's be honest: it would get expensive for reasons I cannot tell you. Just use your imagination. Also, in the words of Betty White: "She's a lesbian." so I'd have to get a sex change, and that'd end up costing even more money, and I really can't afford all this. Finally, I honestly don't think I'd be able to keep up with Lady Sovvy's ability to put down massive amounts of booze on a daily basis, as explained here:

Starting a beef with a celebrity

To become Hollywood's most hated blogger, I can't just go around outing Ryan Seacrest and the guy who plays Allen in Two And a Half Men as gay. That's peanuts compared to the level of animosity I have to arouse in Hollywood to become universally reviled, necessitating a hit being put on my head.

I have to start a beef with a major celebrity for no reason, and it also has to be someone who is loved by millions. This will make me seem really cool. Major magazines will do whole interviews just to ask me about this epic feud, because it's just going be that epic.

I'm not sure who it's going to be yet, but believe me, when I decide, you'll be all "WHAAAAAAAT!"

Rick Sanchez fired from CNN for being a damn racist!

Uh oh, fire up the blogging machine, because there's controversies all over the good name of cable news once again.

Rick Sanchez, an anchor on some CNN show, was fired the other day for comments he made that set off a firestorm of ding-dang cotton-picking blogs and riots across L.A.

He must've said something really bad, like "You know what's crazy about America? I eat Chinese food that's made in a kitchen by Mexicans who work for a Jewish owner." because that would be really crazy. If I said something like that, it'd be like Dr. Laura covering a Jay-Z album on live television at the Superbowl, and Al Sharpton would demand Google shut down my page asap.

Shame on all y'all racists.

Alright, time for some gossip

Oh my God, you guys. I cannot believe that I am about to drop some real gossip right now. These following posts are about to blow your mind.

You can only brace yourself for the sheer power of these words by holding onto something solid, like a stripper pole. You have been warned.

As you can see, I now have a snazzy logo which I designed myself for maximum pinkness. I also color-coordinated the page's other pinks to match the title pinks. Think of the implications of this. If I had done say, pink and purple (Which totally don't match), then you'd be like "Ah, you don't know what you're talking aboot, eh." but since the pinks now match, the legitimacy of my words has gone up by 9999%. That is like, a lot.

I also wrote a long disclaimer on my site to prevent Evony from suing me. I know that Evony occasionally sues bloggers, so I decided to play on the side of litigious safety, and scrap that contract with the public together, along with my crack team of imaginary attorneys, who are all weasels. Adorable, furry weasels.

viva la revolucion!