Game of War: moar liek game of whore

"Come play with me", the white-clad maiden says, staring into the camera with her beautiful blue eyes and plastic mammaries. Where have I seen this before? I can't quite recall, just something about 'making love to her against the evils' or some shit. So what do I expect from playing this game? Well, to be honest, huge battles and fornicating with seductive maidens and the occasional stint with the horrifying town wench after a night of feasting on mutton and filling my belly with so much wine that my judgement befalls. But instead, I get this bullshit:

"leave ur alliance bro"

Look, if I'm a fucking alliance, it's probably because I like my allies. They are good Protestant barons like myself who have relations to the Duchess of Burgundy, whose cousin is the Duke of Pomerania, who signed the Treaty of Lodz that promises the Princess of Lithuania will marry the King of Denmark. That is a confusing political curio that I can't just abandon because you need some allies so Brian won't send his cavalry to plunder your wheat fields, you fucking little bitch. If you can't get that through your thick skull, then you need to throw yourself out a window seriously.

Also, this game is Evony. 

And by 'Evony', I mean

illuminati.

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

Sarah Palin Gets Naked For America

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and present-day Fox News Contributor has shocked the nation with her raunchy photoshoot showing the former Governor's more natural physical attributes. Palin  has been crusading to keep tuna fish in schools, after lawmakers threatened to ban tuna fish sandwiches in public schools because, according to the superintendent of a school district in Columbus, OH, "They smell like puke." which received little attention until one day, Sarah Palin was giving a speech to a small and very bored drowsy little audience, who yielded little enthusiasm until Mrs. Palin decided to remove her clothes. "I had to get their attention, and boy did that do the trick!" Palin commented afterwards, adding, "This has really brought a lot of attention to the pro-tuna grizzly moms around America who want to make sure their kids are getting a proper daily nutrition of tuna."

To keep the pro-tuna movement alive, Palin has made a number of appearances around country, giving speeches, and stripping completely naked, revealing her naked boobs and vagina to thousands of people. "We thought Sarah Palin might be losing relevance," Conservative commentator Ricky Barney said on Fox's Say Whatever You Want program, "this just shows that even during a big election like this one, a woman can still stay relevant to the national dialogue. That says a lot about how far we've come as a country. She is truly an innovator on the political landscape of this great nation, and her pussy is in surprisingly good shape."

Palin allegedly put in 40 days of training and dieting to prepare it for full-frontal nudity, as she has pledged to maximize her attractiveness during her country-wide tour to save tuna fish sandwiches in schools. When asked if she would continue getting completely naked or possibly even escalating her theater to lewd sex acts, the former Governor smiled brightly, her perky tits jiggling back and forth as she shifted her sitting position and answered, "You betcha! These kids in school deserve real American tuna. I'll do whatever I can to make sure the naysayers in the mainstream media get real and start telling the truth!"

Democrats argue that her nudity actually distracts from the issue of the Separation of Tuna and State, as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Believing with you that the consumption of tuna is a matter which lies solely between an individual and his family, that he owes account to none other for his fish or his walleye, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of the consumption of tuna fish, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Tuna and State." but critics of the Democratic Party have argued "As long as you keep this up, the more naked Sarah Palin is going to be."

Wartune: Make love to her now or something.

So I saw this ad for Wartune, a turn-based "strategy" "game", where you can't win unless you pay significant amounts of money for superior items. The game itself combines the over-used formula of city-building, and the over-used formula of mmos.

But I'm going to review this ad, rather than the game, because I'm sure the game sucks ass all by itself. First of all, "love" does not expel darkness, light does. You can't power a light source with love, it just doesn't work like that. Now, of course, everyone knows this, but hey, it sounds kind of catchy, right? No, not really. It's just there to justify the hilariously nonsensical phrase "Make love against the evils with her NOW!" which is meant to confuse dyslexic readers into seeing "Make love to her NOW!" and of course, seeing the scantily-clad, large-titted wench-archer. This has "Evony" written all over it. The city-building, the boobs, the misleading ads. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and this game could've been written by underpaid Cambodian game developers who meant to say "Use love against the evils with her NOW!", however, I still fail to see how using love is applicable in a turn-based strategy game. I also fail to see why she would be used in battle at all, considering how little armor she has to protect her heart and head from incoming missile attacks, or a ferocious ogre's battleaxe. Furthermore, is she even an archer? Why is she operating a crossbow with no gloves? Does she want to get blisters?

Furthermore, which evils am I making love to... I mean against. Or whatever. You know, I'd much rather just make love to her, but since she's not a real person, maybe I'd better just save my time by watching porn or something. I'm not sure I'm the target audience for this game, because I think too much.

Special Report: Uma Thurman's Pussy Sighted

12:29 Cali time - Uma Thurman's pussy was spotted on the beach by trained photographers, who captured the pussy on film for the purpose of publication the other day, prompting a firestorm of controversy. "Holy shit," Jacob Jameson, a Professional Cinematographer and Photographical Artist said last Thursday, "I totally saw Uma Thurman's pussy. Like... it was Uma Thurman... but with her pussy exposed." Other observers, like 18-year-old intern photographer Wayne Turnpike, reported similar accounts of what they saw that fateful day. "It was like," Turnpike explained, clearly still excited, "It was Uma Thurman, but with nothing covering the bottom part of her. I've never seen anything like this." However, there are skeptics. A spokesman for the U.S. Air Force Intelligence Branch said during a press conference "What you saw was probably the planet Venus, which often takes on the appearance of celebrity clitoris in certain lights. It's also quite possible what you saw was a small Cessna Jetliner, or even a weather balloon, which you have mistaken for Uma Thurman's pussy." This dismal dismissal was met with criticism by witnesses who observed the event firsthand. "I know what I saw." Turnpike protested, "It wasn't the planet Venus or a weather balloon. It was definitely Uma Thurman's pussy. I know a pussy when I see one, and this was definitely one that belonged to Uma Thurman. Such a condescending explanation is very patronizing and upsetting, and I am personally appalled by the U.S. Government's lack of response to the situation which is quite clearly been proven to be happening between Uma Thurman's legs."

Umathurmanpussyologists have offered an explanation for the dismissal though, saying, "If civilization saw Uma Thurman's pussy, think about the implications on society. Religion would be meaningless. There would be mass panic, and ejaculate flowing in the streets."

The alleged picture, taken by professional Stalkerazzi ninjas, followed Thurman to a remote and secret island which isn't even on standard geography maps (As a secret getaway for celebrities who want to be left alone) and spotted Thurman on the beach, lifting her skirt, which reportedly revealed her pussy. "It was almost like she wanted us to see her pussy." an anonymous Stalkerazzi cameraman said, adding: "Why else would she fly to a secret island?"

Random Kate Middleton Pictures

This is England's Princess Kate Middleton of Chesterweschter or whatever. It's not important. What I'm really concerned about is the legacy of the Royal Family, because without them, the people of England would have billions of extra pounds (What those blokes call their dollars) that they would use to buy America and turn it into a dystopian nightmare out of the acid-induced visions of George Orwell. I'm talking like, we'd have electric cars and watch dog races on network television. If that happened, I'd go deep underground and start a gorilla war. Yes, I meant to say "gorilla". If you have no idea what a gorilla war is, then you need go back to kindergarten and start over with finger-painting. Here's the real reason I'm saying all of this: I don't trust Kate Middleton and neither should you. Prince William has royal blood and is constantly injecting his royal semen into Kate Middleton's non-royal muffin. She is a filthy commoner. We all know this, but no one wants to say anything. They're afraid that black vans are going to pull up and men in dark suits will have a firm, but polite talk with you about judging the character of others. I'm not afraid though. How could royalty fall in love with non-royalty? The answer is obvious: she is a Soviet-trained super-agent waiting to be activated on Day X, and steal all of Prince William's precious gold. All she would have to do is find the location of the gold, and stuff a little bit of it into her pocket every day, then "go for a little stroll", in which she delivers the gold to her contacts with the secret Colombian underground druglords. In short, Prince William was seduced by a mistress of seduction, who is about to shock the world by stealing all of his gold.

Until then, enjoy these pictures of Kate Middleton's diverse range of fashion:

The TSA is Scanning Your Body And Looking At You Naked And Laughing

Perhaps you do a lot of commuting by air. Perhaps you enjoy flying out-of-state for the holidays. Or perhaps you're a terrorist with a bomb strapped to your cock. Well, today, all of you will have to face the TSA's new high-tech body-scanning, which shows the entire surface of the scanee's skin.

As shown in this highly-shocking photograph to our left, this deadly weapon in the Global Effort To Combat Extremism will reveal what you look like naked to airport security employees, who we can all agree are pervs, who voted overwhelmingly to have this scanner installed, because they weren't getting enough action in their personal lives.




Well, I personally think this is great. You may feel violated now, but just think how much better you'll feel when a foreign-looking man with chemicals in his pants is apprehended by the authorities. All those times spent being gazed at lustfully by the TSA's finest will not have been in vain, and you can rest easy at night that they're not laughing at how out-of-shape you are, and how your body shape doesn't compliment your private parts at all. After all, if the Good Lord didn't want us to be seen naked, he wouldn't have made Adam and Eve with clothes already on.

Opponents to these new security measures say it's not necessary, because after all, is a hot blonde girl really going to bomb a plane? I think we all know the answer to that: yes. Another question posed is: "If a 9-year-old girl is scared to go through the body scan, are they going to make her go through it? Is a 9-year-old even considered a threat?" and again, I say that I sincerely hope that they put all children through full body scans, because have you seen that jungle-gym equipment being used in Al-Qaeda recruitment videos? I'm sure that attracted some kids to the cause.

Some Celebrities have even criticized the new scanner, such as rapper 50 Cent, who did not want them to scan to "see his G-unit", adding "I did not say I would let them come into the candy shop."

"Normal" Picture Of Lady GaGa; I Hate Myspace

This is Lady GaGa before The Fame overtook her. They say that fame changes people, and I guess they mean that literally.



I know I just posted a bunch of GaGa pics, but I'm not obsessed. Really. I mean, I know, last night I had a dream where Alison Angel and I were making out in the middle of the highway, and I was like "Oh, Stefani..." and she was all, like "Stefani!? You cad!" and slapped me with a white glove and then stormed off. Suddenly, I saw Lady GaGa standing there with her meat dress on, and we started getting romantic and I started eating the meat off of her. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily, and realized it was just a dream and was all "Oh, phew. Close one."

But then I made the biggest mistake of my life: I went back to sleep. I had another dream where I was watching a really super unfunny Olivia Munn segment on The Daily Show, when out of the blue, Lady GaGa came out of nowhere and kicks Olivia Munn into a giant creme pie and then grabs a mic and starts singing "Just Dance" and all these robots were dancing and I started eating the robots because I realized they were made out of meat. Then I woke up screaming and sweating heavily. My heart was racing. I got out of bed to splash some cold water on my face. Then I looked up at the mirror of my bathroom, and suddenly, I saw the reflection of Lady GaGa standing behind me. I woke up again, from that dream-within-a-dream scenario and was awake for reals this time.

So, today, I listened to nothing but Death Metal and Gangster Rap, so that I would be able to sleep without having those haunting images in my mind.

I also logged onto Myspace today, and of course, once again, they completely changed the user interface and site layout for no reason. To my knowledge, killing the brand-name familiarity of your website is probably is not going to increase the number of users, although, probably nothing is going bring Myspace back, not even Justin Timberlake. It's mostly a matter of one social network passing the torch onto the next one, which has happened before, and probably will happen again when someone does the obvious and invents a site like Facebook, but just far less annoying.

Speaking of Facebook, my mom is on Facebook, and she went through my "Likes", and didn't like that I liked Lady GaGa. Sure, Eminem is okay, but Lady GaGa is unacceptable. Anyhow, that's where my Lady GaGa obsession began, because in order to rebel against my parents, I have to listen to lots and lots of Lady GaGa songs.

Also, as a bonus picture... In my last post, I mentioned that there is a mouse with a human ear on it's back. Now mind you, this is real. I wanted to post a picture of it, but the pictures were kinda nazzzty, so I found a very sexy picture of the mouse-with-human-ear, being held by a naked woman, so enjoy: