Quvenzhane Wallis Thwards "Onion" Plot at Oscars

While I was at the Oscars, Kate Moss pulled me into a limo and what happened in there, we shall never speak of. More importantly, I had to stay updated with all the latest tweets and twits about all of that Oscars-shit. During the beautiful star-studded ceremony, the young Quvenzhane Wallis, who won many, many awards for Beasts of the Southern Wild, won yet another award.

Naturally, the satirical newspaper, The Onion, was jealous and embittered over a young black girl winning, and decided to take her down. "Our mission was to utterly crush her." A source inside The Onion reported, "We wanted to obliterate every fiber of her soul." and around 4:20 p.m. last Thursday, The Onion tweeted:

"Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?"

The evil executives at The Onion were hoping that this tweet would destroy Wallis' career by turning middle-America against the young star. As our source explained, "They wanted her gone. Most people think our newspaper is satirical but... but it's not. It's a hitman organization. It's a butchering slab. Our objectives at The Onion are clear: destroy, ruin careers, kill, steal, destroy, mayhem, anarchy, chaos.[sic]"

Obviously, The Onion's well-prepared attack campaign against Wallis was unsuccessful, with many Americans standing up for their beliefs and taking a stance against bad words. Julie Brown, a mother of two children, agreed to be interviewed at random, and said "When you start using this kind of language to degrade children, that ain't right. That ain't right. The Onion should be ashamed of themselves for trying to get a laugh at the expense of children." We at JCG agree; this abhorrent, calculated and deliberate smear campaign by the sick and depraved minds behind The Onion (probably all creepy child molesters) should be denounced by every apple-pie-eating, god-fearing, red-blooded American.

Wallis released a statement to The Onion, saying, "Fuck all of y'all. I got an Oscar that you wish you could shove up your nasty asses."

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Guy Jumps From Really High Up

A few days ago, Felix Baumgartner jumped from really, really high up. The world watched for minutes with vague interest as Felix floated down to Earth after freefalling for like 7 hours or something. Before he hit the ground and went splat, he managed to grab his iPhone 4 and tweet the following: "I just jumped out of space. What the fuck did you do with your day?" and updated his Facebook status to "Fuck you all, I'm jumping out of space." while uploading a Youtube vlog he made while free-falling and saying "Hey fuckers, it's Felix. The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, you know, what with this fucking jump out of fucking space at the speed of fucking light. I just jumped out of space and you sad cumwads are stuck on the ground, doing boring things with your life. Look at my life. It is extreme and amazing. Look at your life. It is dull and stupid. You are a living ball of fuck. See ya around, fuckers!" before giving the middle finger and flinging his phone off into the distance, and it landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

So to answer this question, what I did with my day:

- I ate some breakfast
- I keeked your dog
- Went to the grocery store, picked up some eggs and grape juice
- Gave my dog a bath
- Watched "The Voice"
- Ate Chili
- FUCKED FELIX BAUMGARTNER'S MOM

WHAT'S UP FELIX? WHAT'S UP? COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME! SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Snooki

What? You got a problem with this blog post, mom? Well guess what; I'm GROWN. Y'ALL CAN'T GROUND ME. I'M GROWN. Now, you may be wondering, "Why now? Isn't there some irrelevant international crisis to cover instead of Snooki, who is famous for doing nothing? Isn't our economy in a crisis? Crisis?"

Goddamn it, I'm sick of the goddamn economy. The economy can go fuck itself, if that's even possible (it's probably not). And what - if I write about the economy hard enough, then that'll make everything all better? Well, here you go: Free markets are expected to undergo booms and busts concurrent with the proliferation of the public sector debt. Most people make the assumption that economic policy and 'the economy' are interrelated, however, blah blah blah blah go suck my dick. There, you happy now? Got a job again? No? Alright, then let's talk about Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi, who isn't "famous for nothing". She's famous for being hilarious on national television. Now, no one is more hilarious than fat people, because it's still socially acceptable to poke fun at them and their jiggly rolls of fat. However, while we were all caught up in this 'economy' nonsense, Snooki rolled up in a cocoon of anorexia, and emerged as a skeletal butterfly of pure Hollywood beauty. Therefore, the transformation is complete: Snooki has gone from 'hilarious fat girl' to 'incredibly skinny girl who might still be funny but who the hell knows'.

Personally, as part of the Hollywood (and sometimes Bollywood) scene, I see rib cages and protruding spinal bones as gorgeous. I don't want boobs. I don't want butts or curves or a working reproductive system on my women - I want bones and fragility. I want to see them squeeze into size -2 dresses on red carpets, and Snooki has accomplished just that. Therefore, Snooki has become a thing of beauty in my eyes, and any tabloid that wants to bash her and LeAnn Rimes for being holocaustically gorgeous; I challenge the head editor of any such spin organization to a duel with two pistols at twenty paces.

If I had any advice to give to Snooki it would be: You go girl.

Unfortunately, I could not accept Snooki as a girlfriend, and I don't think our relationship would work out because I love eating food. I would chomp into a quadruple stack bacon cheeseburger in front of her and she'd be all like "Why you gotta eat in front of me? You're just being a jerk." and I'd be all like "Yo chica, I needs ma quadruple stack, and if you don't like it, how about you just go to hell?" and then she contest my suggestion to burn eternally in Satan's abode due to her disdain for my vile eating habits by telling me that "we're through" and then storming off in a huff. I would then be heart-broken, but not from the break-up... mostly because of the quadruple stack. That thing literally breaks hearts.