Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes DIVORCE SCANDAL OMFG THANK YOU GOD I MEAN OH THAT'S SO SAD

Wait wait. Hold your applause, because you're going to look incredibly silly standing up and clapping in front of your computer. Hold off on jumping on Oprah's couch from sheer glee, because the moment we've all been waiting for at JCG has come! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced! This is so exciting that I already peed my pants twice, and the guy who makes my coffee got diarrhea and shit his pants, but that was unrelated to this latest celebrity divorce story that has... somehow... failed to grip the nation even though it's like THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. 

Tom Cruise has been spotted by multiple sources weeping from emotion pain, and sliding into a steady depression, much to our glee, because we see drama like this going down, boners ensue. The office place becomes an orgy dungeon and the streets run white with champagne. God, I almost forgot all the Scientology jokes that I could tell from this latest marital fiasco in the dark bowels of Hollywood. But Lord Xemu of the Galactic Confederacy would likely send his lawyers to sue me. OH ZING. BURN. 

 

 According to People magazine, Tom's world is now "Shattered", and despite his life being in utter turmoil and having no one to turn to except his inner circle (aka booze and prostitutes) and Scientology, he remains amazingly photogenic. Also, Jessica is going through some kind of weight-battle, but I would struggle with my weight too if my career was over.

ENOUGH! I'm not talking Jennifer Lopez learning to kickbox and then beating the shit out of her on-screen husband; according Us Weekly, Ann Curry isn't speaking to Matt Lauer (and I don't blame her) and Katie Holmes apparently secretly plotted against Tom Cruise and Scientology, because when we talk about Tom Cruise, we have to constantly talk about Scientology (Because of that asshole Matt Lauer's interview with Tom Cruise) and assert that it somehow plays a role in all of this. Hell, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony probably got divorced because JLo's thetan levels indicated that she was a crazy bitch, and Marc Anthony became a Muslim or something. Matt Lauer probably also ruined their relationship, which makes me suspect that Matt Lauer is in league with Scientology, and the Secret Illuminati Plot to take over the world Pinky-And-The-Brain-Style by ruining all the celebrity marriages. We'll know when Niburu arrives later this year, and the final battle between Earth and the Lizardmen begins.

Oh, congratulations on the baby, Adele! Love your music!

It's 2012, last year of existence.

Well, the world is doomed.




















According to this Mayan calender, the due date for the utter annihilation of all humanity is set for December 21st, 2012, sometime around 4:30ish, so be sure to eat an early last meal if you want dinner. Now, I've been saying this for years; the world is going to end and blah blah blah and you probably thought I was just kidding. Well, I wasn't. Right now, I'm spending a majority of my time putting the final touches on my underground fortress, which is specifically designed to resist nuclear war, meteors, tornadoes, cicadas, Lindsay Lohan's clitoris, and lava. However, if the bunker is covered by a large amount of water and/or dirt, I am so screwed.

My supplies will include:

• - 3,650 cans of pork and beans
• - 8,000 gallons of water
• - A crowbar to kill zombies
• - Weed, man
• - Attractive Russian women
• - A bear trap
• - A manicure set, because there is nothing worse then having to go through an apocalypse with a hangnail

Why we are going to die:
















Alright, take a look at this chart. First, we have the sun, which is slightly larger than Jupiter. Then we have the so-called "inner planets", Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars. Our moon, Luna, is also shown, and is smaller than Pluto on this chart for a reason I can't fully explain. Then we have the so-called "outer planets", starting with the purple giant, Jupiter. Then we have Saturn with it's sideways rings, the always innuendo-stricken purple planet, Uranus, then Neptune. Then we have Pluto, which is most certainly not a dwarf planet just because it's smaller than a standard softball. Finally, we have Niburu.

Niburu is also known as Planet X, Tiamat, Nemesis, Marduk, Skyrim, and Shangra-La. Exactly every 4,932 years, the elliptical orbit of this celestial body loops back around to the inner solar system, and will come perilously close to the Earth. This will result in three major happenings:

1. A massive gravitational disruption that will cause major Earthquakes.
2. An asteroid the size of Arkansas to slam directly into, of all places, Arkansas.
3. The Lizard-Men will invade the Earth.





















The Lizard-Men will do battle with Earth's mightiest Amazon warriors, but in the end, will prevail and most likely kill us all. How do I know the Lizard-Men actually exist and aren't just random thing I made up out of thin air for no fucking reason!? It's simple. Think about all those ancient gods that the Akkadians worshiped. The gods were A) Lizard-Men, B) Came from space. Also, there is this:

Does this look familiar? No? Well, it should. What do you mean you've never seen this before? Good God. Go get a dollar bill and look at the back side of it. Yeah. See that? See that weird pyramid with the eye over it? Now, either the Founding Fathers were on acid when they designed that, or it's symbolism for something. Now, look at the picture here. Doesn't that eye look kind of reptilian? The scaly flesh? Ignore the eyebrow for a second and focus on how green and lizard-like that skin is. Hot damn. Basically, what it means is that the Lizard-Men are watching over us, and could kill us at any moment. Now, you may be wondering why they would want to kill a nice civilization like us. Because, we're bastards. We killed Bambi's mom. We eat manufactured food that tastes like other food that grows naturally with money that we got from jobs provided by super-rich evil overlords who exploit child labor in Bolivia, who in turn, grow up to be rapists. We are collectively responsible for Richard Simmons.

We have it coming, in other words.















Happy New Year!

What a month...

It's been quite a rough month for me personally, but also as a professional stalkerazzi. The amount of juicy celeb info I've been able to obtain has been greatly reduced by my frequent doctor visits, and taking medications, then switching medications, then changing the medication dosages.

Like, dang.

The Hot Girl of the Week is becoming more like "Hot Girl of the Month", and to be honest, if I did it weekly, I'd probably run out really fast, and then end up having to feature Jennifer Aniston or someone that everyone is sick of.

Yes, I'm thrilled with Jennifer Aniston's amazing weight loss, but c'mon. C'mon. Friends was canceled years ago. She divorced Brad Pitt years ago. What does she have left? NOTHING. NOTHING, I SAY. It's OVER, Aniston!! YOU HEAR ME, OVARRRRRR.

On a side note, I wanna just, like, say that I think, like, it was like totally wrong and uncool of Brad to leave Jennifer for Angelina. I mean, c'mon. C'mon. The thing about Angelina Jolie, is, to be honest, she looks kind of weird, like she's part reptilian. Now, I know it's possible that the Reptilians are scouting out planet Earth for when Tiamat (aka Niburu is coming aka Planet X) crosses paths with Earth in 2012, leading to an all-out interstellar conflict that will end all of humanity. I'm fairly sure Brad is aware of this information, however, for reasons unknown to us, has chosen to ignore it. Perhaps he believes that if he finds favor with the Lizard-beings, that they will have mercy and spare him instead of sending him to their death factories to be ground into a hamburger-like food substance. This, of course, is folly. And that, my friends, is why Brad was totally wrong to leave Jen.

2010: A Look Backwards

2010 was an amazing year.

Amazingly bad. I can't wait for 2012 to get here so we can meet the Lizard-People of Planet X. This year was boring as Hell. Once again, the truth about extraterrestrial life was not revealed, even with Wikileaks and President Obama's pledge for government transparency. I know we can't be the only forms of intelligent life in the universe, because if we were, how did Stone Henge happen? Case closed. I know some people might say that the odds of life evolving from simple cell organisms into advanced civilizations capable of intergalactic travel are like a trillion to one, I always tell them that it's also extremely unlikely that a person would be attacked by a grizzly bear and a polar bear on the same day, but that happens all the time.

Furthermore, Alison Angel's wikipedia page was deleted by Jimmy Wales. He personally went to the Alison Angel page and hit "delete" because he was raging because that Fox News girl dumped him after selling his dick pix to Glenn Beck. Then Jimmy Wales has the GALL to post:

PLEASE READ: AN URGENT APPEAL FROM WIKIPEDIA FOUNDER JIMMY WALES

Readers of Wikimedia, I need 16 million dollars.

I understand that this is a large sum of money, but this Porsche isn't going to pay for itself, unless of course, I find an entrance to an alternative reality in my coat closet in which cars can come to life and work for their masters working in the barley fields.

If everyone just donated a little bit of money, maybe 5, 10, 25, 50, 100, 200, 500, 8000, 1000000 dollars, then that would be just dandy. Remember, Wikipedia is made up of unpaid and undocumented workers, and our servers are dirt cheap to maintain, but I still need a massive sum of money for some unexplained reason.

When I started Wikipedia, I was inspired by Maddox (Whose page I read frequently) not to put ads on Wikipedia, which created a dilemma of how I was going to pay off my gambling debt owed to dangerous Yakuza leaders.

It's not that I think commerce is bad, and that advertising is evil, I just think it's really annoying, especially those "kill the spider" ads, where I try to kill the spider, but then it clicks me into a window that says I can win 10 lbs of free lobster if I fill out a form, because then I fill out the form, and then it takes me to another form and I never get any lobster.

Wikipedia is something special. It is a saint-like ivory tower of information, supplying unbelievably accurate and reliable information to poor and impoverished third-world children who spend nights awake because they don't know who the lead singer of Seven Dust is, or the size of Zambia's air force, or whatever. What we do makes the world a better place, which makes Wikipedia something you are morally obligated to support.

So do it.

To avoid posting ads on our beautiful website, send us da money. Because Wikipedia was created by a community of hard-working individuals, they should also not only work hard on providing excellent information, but should also pay to do it. Specifically, they should pay me for the privilege of editing my website. This year, please consider making a donation, and if you don't want to, then don't be surprised if The Good Lord sends mudslides and locusts unto you.

Hm, here's my answer to that:

Dear Jimmy Wales,

Yo, Jimmy, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy, I heard your girlfriend's pregnant, how far along is she? Yo, I really meant to donate some bread, but then I read some of the shit you said. Something on your website about needing cash, and I was about to send some shit, but thought that might be a bit rash. I thought to myself that this money would be better spent on me, and that I could still continue to surf Wikipedia for free. I know you'll forgive me because you're a nice guy and not a prick, because some people who demand donations can end up behaving like a stupid dick, in fact, I heard this one news story a couple weeks ago that just made me sick... this dude asks for mils from his fans and used the money to take a vacation to China and have sex with reporters from Fox News, and then he fell off a cliff, but left a message to his readers but it didn't really say who it was to... come to think of it...

his name was you.

damn.


The big story this year, of course, is that Falstad Wildhammer is alive. I know, it seemed that he was certainly dead, but then we all watched in awe, reminiscent of when Baby Jessica was lifted from the well, as we all clutched our living room sofas, eyes locked onto the liquid-crystal pixels of our gigantic flat-screen televisions as we remembered the fragility of life, but then were moved to tears at the miraculous miracle we witnessed unfolding before our cynically Thomas-the-disciple-like unbelieving eyes. Not only did Falstad Wildhammer survive the Day of The Dragon, but he went on to become the leader of Aerie Peak and Vanilla Wow through Wrath of The Lich King.

-turns to the other camera-

Yes, Mr. President, you characteristically made implausibly unrealistic promises that piqued the inner-optimist hiding in the metaphorical closet in our minds, which you subsequently failed to deliver like a lethargic Pizza-delivery minion, whose vehicular mode of transportation encountered a single thumb-tack of utter disruption, ergo, releasing the necessary and vital air pressure that allows the tires to fulfill their sacred duty of facilitating the internal-combustion-engine-powered carriage's mobility, thus disrupting the delivery of that age-old Italian dish that tantalizes our taste buds, and fills our dreams with wonder, as his once-reliable truck careened violently into an anti-serendipitously-placed ditch, and then off a cliff, and exploded into a mushroom cloud upon making the sickening impact with the bottom.

-turn to the other camera-

The other big news story, that everyone talked about was that gosh darn weather, eh.















Look at that... knocked that tree straight down. Pretty crazy. Me neighbors said they had a bunch of branches in their yard, and I believe it. Me cousin Patty heard the wind and says to me "Aye, it's a bit windy, eh?" and I says to 'er "Aye, it is for sure."

This event will no doubt be recorded as one of the most infamous events in human history.


In closing, 2010 changed us all, but it also changed a digit on a giant arbitrary measurement of time which may be off because the Gregorian Calendar was written by the uneducated peasants of the Dark Ages. They simply did not want to have their head cut off by their Baron, and they had a very weak understanding astrophysical mathematics. Anyhow, this year, we all looked deep inside of ourselves for understanding, and courage. We did things that we did not think we could do. We laughed, we cried, we were afraid, and we endured. We made mistakes and learned, and overcame obstacles. Most importantly, though, we did a lot of general human behavior, which I've briefly summarized here.

Goodnight, and good luck.

What is this sorcery?

It's that time of year again: The Holidays, and yes, even the Jewish ones.

Ah, the most magical time of year, and of course, I mean black magic. Black Friday rolled around, and people were slaughtered in the aisles, and old people were trampled so quickly that they couldn't even hit their LifeAlert monitor buttons before being pulverized (I mean they literally were turned into dust) by the hordes of Mongol-like bargain hunters on a mission from God to acquire slightly less-expensive items for their angry ungrateful loved ones. After the dust (from the old people?) settled, Cyber Monday rolled around, and people cybered like crazy all over the place, even at public library computers; just sitting there with their undies around their ankles rubbing one out as you search for Upton Sinclair's The Jungle for your assignment.

Naturally, there is that annual totally necessary controversy of deciding whether or not we call this "Christmas time" or "The Holiday Season", because nostalgia-crazed misguided conservatives, who don't realize Christmas is a pagan festival of death celebrated by tree-spirit worshiping Visigoths, decide to show their "holiday cheer" and intent for spreading "peace on earth and goodwill towards men" by beefing with pussy-foot liberal pansies, who, in their zeal to manifest their false belief that they're "open-minded" schmucks who "embrace a diversity of cultures", freak the hell out when other people don't acknowledge Kwanzaa, a holiday invented by a black supremist.

Seriously, if didn't I care about people sensibilities, I wouldn't say "Merry Christmas" or anything to begin with, so if some weirdo wants to go "I don't celebrate Christmas" in an ultra-pissy voice, then so be it. I'm not going to be freaked out and traumatized so badly that I obsess in front of a chalkboard, writing down tons of alternative greetings so that I never have to feel bad in public again. Furthermore, I'm not going to be a dick and try to lobby City Hall to take down it's Christmas Tree and take a massive dump on everyone else's fun just because of it. I might as well go up to a kid and say "Yo, Christmas is canceled."

At least I always let children know that Santa is a lie.

There are only two years left before the End Of Days. Niburu is coming.