HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: JESSICA FUCKING WILLIAMS

 THIS POST IS WAY LONG OVERDUE BECAUSE IT JUST IS OKAY? OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF OUR EVER-MORE-DUBIOUSLY-NAMED SERIES, HOT GIRL OF DA WEEK FOCUSES ON JESSICA WILLIAMS. SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO "THE DAILY SHOW", INCLUDING JON STEWART, OR BEEF STEW, AS HE IS KNOWN. JESSICA WILLIAMS IS A COMEDIENNETTE WHO WAS SENT BY THE GODS OF COMEDY AND HER BODY AND MIND WERE CARVED OUT OF THE MOST VALUABLE METALS IN THE UNIVERSE AND ENDOWED WITH THE POWER TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY SEGMENT THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE BY THE DAILY SHOW, INCLUDING ONES IN THE PAST AND FUTURE, AND ONES THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN IN. OLIVIA MUNN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER. IN FACT, SAMANTHA BEE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER.

Okay, let's calm down here, and get a grip on things. If she ever read this, she'd probably be really creeped out so I need to make sure I add that this is complete a satirical post, and please don't be mad that I left 46 voicemails on your cellphone and keep leaving flowers on your porch even though you told me to stop or you'd call the police. I just think you, Jessica Williams, are amazing. You are funny. You are sexy. You are perfect. You are perfection manifested in the form of a Daily Show correspondent. Oh my God. Screw this, I might as well pour my heart out right here and now. Jessica, I am obsessed with you. I wish I could clone you so there could be more yous to love. I want to have at least 20 children with you after we make sweet love like 9 times a day. I want to buy you a giant Hershey's chocolate bar, and drive by your house like 2 times a day just for a chance of...

...uh...

I think I may have overdone it a little.

If I could give any advice to Jessica Williams, it would be: Damn gurl, u sexy.


 Unfortunately, I do not think me and Jessica would make a good couple, because I'm a Libra and she's some other zodiac thing probably. Also, I'm white. She's black. I know, it's the 2000s and all, but still, what if she doesn't like white guys!? What if she's gone black... that means she'll never go back! My penis won't be large enough, and she'll be like "Is it in yet?" and I'll be like "It's been in for the last 30 seconds." because it's just not of black-man caliber. LIFE IS SO CRUEL. LIFE... IS.... SO... CRUEL... WQ$(RETW#ERJFGIERJGFEIPOEWSDKFJS. OMG JESSICA WILLIAMS PLEASE MARRY ME, YOU ARE THE ONLY WOMAN FOR ME. HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN ANYMORE... I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU ONLY. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I am truly a visionary

I made a joke about Chick-Fil-A and cocks on August 1, a full one day before before Jon Stewart of The Daily Show lampooned Chick-Fil-A supporters for grabbing greasy buns and getting cocks in their mouths.

SUCK IT, STEWART!

Oh, he used the term "Cockblockers" on July 31st?

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

At least they pulled the plug on Olivia Munn and let her die. Jessica Williams is 5,000,000 times hotter and funnier, but the hotness factor is mostly objective, and I have a thing for black chicks.

Jon Stewart's Rally Was Insane

Look at this.

Today, Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, and chronic Olivia-Munn-Hirer, held The Rally To Restore Sanity, a 1-day event in Washington D.C. where thousands would gather to show how sane they are.

As an insane person, I am deeply offended and disturbed by this rally's message and the implications of the said rallying. As an official Celebrity Gossip Person, it is my duty to obsess over the insaneness of Hollywood, and on rare occasions, Bollywood. When Britney Spears shaved her hair off, I was there. When David Hasselhoff attempted to eat that hamburger while drunk on camera, I watched in the bushes. When Mel Gibson said Jews caused all the wars, I was watching them cause those wars. I thrive, live and breathe insanity, and it is my oxygen. Not the channel. As an official mamarazzi (A more gentle, caring version of the paparazzi), I need America to be as crazy as possible, not just for myself, but also for myself.

However, hyperbolically speaking, the rally was nuts. It had everything I desire in a rally: crazy signs that are contradictory to the point of the rally, Sheryl Crow's fake teeth, Ozzy Osbourne, and Stephen Colbert melting into a pool of delicious butter. I personally feel like it was a success in that it restored our sense that sanity was possible, which you know will put everyone into a crazed frenzy trying to get it. In fact, I was reading some of the news articles to get a sense of how people felt about the rally, and of course, I will just let their random comments do the talking:

Person 1: all whiteskinned liberals are dirty racists who worship klansman robert byrd. i still have not heard them repudiate nancy pelosi for her white supremacist actions.

Person 2:

rujokingme ..... perfect example of dimwitted conservative. Not only can they not use proper grammar, they use contradicting statements for their arguments. Like a nat at a barbeque..... just buggin the fu#k outta ya.....