Ariana Grande Hates America

"May the United States burn in hell" - Ariana Grande

Pop-star, singer, songwriter, movie star. These are just a few words that describe the incredibly talented and beautiful artist in Ariana Grande. However, when it comes to the land of the free, she has some choice words for America, the beautiful. "Fuck America.", Ariana said in an interview with Misinformation Weekly, "This whole country is trash. It's garbage. I hate all of these disgusting people around me, I hate apple pie, and I hate that goddamn flag."

Critics of Ms. Grande have been cited as being 'offended', and one stated that if she disliked living in the United States so pointedly, that she should "just get the fuck out". Grande scoffed at such a proposition, replying, "Wow, you little fuckers. You don't know me. You don't know my life. I will go ham on your lilly asses. You do not want to see me ascend to my final form and vaporize you. I will throw my fucking chicken McNuggets at you, and if I see you in the streets, I'm slapping the shit out of you."

A spokesperson for Ariana Grande gave a much more muted statement, saying,

"While we understand that some people may be upset by Ms. Grande's words, keep in mind that she has every right to her opinion, and you should respect that. You should also know that she's extremely talented, beautiful, and a great singer, and you're just jealous of her. It's jealous people like you that make the world a horrible place. I hope you drown in shit."

Ariana Grande's fans gave a mixed reaction to Ariana's words:

"What the fuck is this article, this is a fucking lie, take this page down if you're going to lie." - Stacy Hillberg, Colorado Springs, CO

"Ariana did NOT ever say that. She only said she hates how Americans are for being so out-of-control with the amount of junk food they consume and she APOLOGIZED for that, so get over it, you asshole. Ugh, you're the kind of person that makes me hate people." - Alice Hernandez, Colorado Springs, CO

"Uhhhh, no? This didn't happen? You can't just make shit up on the internet. That's pathetic. I bet you're a bald, fat, 40-year-old virgin that lives in your mom's basement. You have nothing in life and that's why you're willing to sit down and TALK SHIT about Ariana." - Fillipe Articuno, Colorado Springs, CO

"Delete your blog." - Jenelle Jackson, Colorado Springs, CO

"wtf ur soooo retarded ariana never said that!!! i wish ppl like u would go away forever!!! this seriously makes me want to cry with how mean ppl are in the world!!!" - Jacob Haroldsmann, Colorado Springs, CO

"Why didn't they let me play Donald Trump? Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression is garbage compared to mine. Bitch move, SNL." - Darrell Hammond, Colorado Springs, CO

"This is fucking hilarious! You made my day, dude! :D" - Erin Pearson, Colorado Springs, CO

I'm on drugs and I just ate at Arby's

Well, it happened.

Before you get too excited, I already lost my ass virginity, so it's not that. I got the very first doses of my meds, so if you ever wondered "Why won't that kid just shut up and take his pills?", then let me just elaborate on the point that I had no pills to take up until this point, but now I do. Also, I'm writing this while being high. So if I throw in a weird-ass nonsensical out-of-place sentence about a giant Obamabot fighting a giant Penguin in the streets of Tokyo before realizing it was a girl giant penguin, and subsequently, destroying the entire city in a giant night-vision-goggle sex-video apocalypse, don't blame me.

Also, I just ate Arby's.

Today, I saw a news story about how Taco Bell's taco may or may not contain actual beef, but rather, "seasoned beef product" or some such nonsense. This made me think. Artificial food tastes delicious, and I want to know how I can make some of my own "beef product". I know that it involves a huge amount of high-fructose corn syrup and possible ground-up internal goat organs.

Now, some people may object to eating processed food upon discovering what's in it, but those people are too picky. That's why they're not eating fresh vegetables in the first place. I, on the other hand, realize that Fast Food is by far our most successful industry, and I think we should put Fast Food somewhere in the Pledge of Allegiance. There was this truck commercial that said "America got two things right: trucks and freedom". Wrong on both counts. The thing we got right was Fast Food, and to lesser extent, our ability to borrow an infinite amount of money from the Chinese. It's okay though; they're basically powerless against us, because if they ever demanded we pay back the debt, we'd instantly cut off their supply of cats and their population would starve off within days.

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

It's part of the conspiracy, man. You think your Government is telling you the truth? If you answer "Yes", then you need to get really, really, really high and then listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon while watching The Wizard Of Oz in sync, and you'll be all like "Oh shit". Think about this: the Humane Society goes around abducting millions, possibly billions (possibly trillions) of stray cats and dogs off da streetz everyday, to hold them for "adoption". If they aren't adopted, they tell us that they put the animals to sleep, which is Humane Society code for "We kill 'em. We kill 'em dead". In reality, all the animals are loaded onto a C-130 Transport Plane and flown to China to be turned into the meat for the Taco Bell franchises in mainland China. The spare cat parts are a regular part of the diet. Eggrolls? It's loaded with cat tongue meat. General Tso's "Chicken"? Cat penis. Won Ton Soup? Cat eyeballs. Kung Pow Chicken? Cat testicles + whiskers.

So, in closing, be sure to adopt a cat, or Sarah McLachlan is going to sing a super-sad song on TV while showing images of kittens until you die.