Wearing a Hoodie Makes You a Criminal.

"Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cuz they shootin' errbody out here."
- Geraldo Rivera, on The O'Reilly Factor

Somewhere, Florida - A tragedy of unspeakable horror has gripped the nation's attention; 17-year-old Trayvon Martin was walking home with a bag of candy in one hand, and a soda in the other. Not a gun. A soda.

He was also wearing a hoodie.

George Zimmerman, a local guy person, spotted Martin walking through the gated community and seeing that young Trayvon Martin was a young black man with a hoodie, knew that something was amiss. So he shot him.

This story exploded overnight all over the face of the public media, sparking a controversy about Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law, which states: "Yo, if a muhfucka run up on you, you don't got no time to think. Toast dat muhfucka." which basically means that, if you feel threatened and feel like the person threatening you will probably kill and/or rape you, you have the right to shoot them until they die. Zimmerman claims that he was merely acting upon this right, even though he called the police, and the police specifically told him not to pursue Martin, and then he did anyhow, and then shot him.

On Bill O'Reilly self-named cable program, The O'Reilly Factor, guest commentator Geraldo Rivera made the following statement: "When I see a colored person wearing a hooded sweat shirt, I get really, really scared. Cold sweat starts to build on the back of my neck and my mustache begins to twitch. If blacks don't want to get shot, they need to quit freaking us white folks out by wearing hoodies. This goes for Mexicans, or Latinos, or whatever you'd call them... these people need to realize that if they wear a hoodie, it makes them look like a criminal and then we [white people] are probably going to shoot a nig- I mean black person. When you see a kid in a hoodie, what's the first thing you think of? Getting raped by black people and having to carry the shame of having a half-negro baby in your womb for 9 months. Make no mistake; they will rape the men too. I remember in 1992, a black man wearing sweatpants offered me a hotdog. I remember thinking 'A hotdog? That sounds delicious... HEY WAIT A MINUTE! He probably means his huge black dick raping me! He has sweatpants on, too, so it'll be easy to quickly rape me, then get his pants back on in time so nobody will even know what transpired.' so thinking quickly, I blew into my rape whistle, then unloaded an entire can of bear-mace into his eyes. It was actually kind of heroic, and even a little bit fun, although the hotdog stand's manager was visibly upset afterwards. I maced him too. He wasn't black or latino or anything, but I was just still kind of pissed off about the whole 'Al Capone's vault' fiasco."

Geraldo Rivera quickly apologized for these statements, later saying "lol, I was just trollin'"


Next issue: Was is it right for Rush Limbaugh to call Sandra Fluke a "cunt" on live radio?

Hey, whatever happened to Paris Hilton?

Hey, remember Paris Hilton?

















No Official Certified Profession Celebrity Gossip Blog would be complete without Paris Hilton. It would be like breakfast without bacon. It would be like be like Geraldo Rivera without a mustache. It would be like Paris Hilton without a penis in her vagina. Unfortunately for myself, and everyone else, Paris Hilton has been quieter than a church mouse, and you all know how quiet mice are when they're breaking into a church to eat that stale bread before it can transmogrify into the body of Christ. Those bastards.

Paris Hilton first made her first cerebral scars onto the cranium of America in 2003, with her hit reality-series The Simple Life, which chronicled her heart-warming journey of self-discovery on a rural farm along with sidekick Nicole "Holocaust Victim" Richie, torn from the luxurious glamour of their normal lives. However, instead of learning about simple living, the duo learned nothing, which seems to be a recurring theme.

The fame bestowed on them caused them to be on the cover of every magazine, even the sciencey ones. It seemed like they had it all: Fame, Fortune, Bliss (caused by ignorance), and apparently, night-vision cameras. But out of the blue, they vanished from the headlines.

Leaving an empty hole in my heart...


As a matter of fact...
















Hey, whatever happened to Tara Reid?

Last time I heard, she had a bit of a nipple slip during a red carpet event, where it took her several hours before she realized her boob was showing. The boob flash made one thing very clear: she got plastic surgery done by the same doctor who created The Human Centipede. Upon further photo analysis, she had other operations that seriousssss screwed up her body.

This is tragic. Tara Reid, while not being particularly bright, is very pretty, and she's RUINING it. I'd almost rather see Larry King naked, but OH WAIT, I already have! DAMN YOU, JON STEWART!

Still, Tara Reid's botched boobs/stomach are nothing compared to Paris Hilton's bizarre-looking other-worldly purple vagina. A normal, healthy vagina is surrounded by a beautiful soft pink/peach. Paris Hilton's vagina, however, is surrounded by dark purple flaps of skin that would flop around if there was a breeze blowing. It's like what would happen if you took the black gums in the mouths of dogs and used that tissue to make a vulva.

In short, it's an abomination to humanity.

Also, in even shorter, where are these girls? We need them to return, for the sake of all that is good and right in this world.