LeAnn Rimes is too skinny and needs to eat.

Look at this:











Now look at this:























Now look at this:













Now look at this:





















Do I even need to write anything here? Yes, when your hip bones protrude abnormally far out and you can see your ribs, it's called "abs", love. Amy Paterson, shame on you. SHAME. Now Leann has to run the talk-show gauntlet to tell all the hosts she can that she's not anorexic. In the before-and-after pictures, you can clearly see she's wearing strips across, which makes her APPEAR heavier. In the second picture, she's wearing blue, which makes you look anorexic. So please, people, Leann Rimes is healthy as... as... fuck! So leave her alone, or else I will come to your house, and have a polite but firm conversation with you on how your words are hurtful.

I'm on drugs and I just ate at Arby's

Well, it happened.

Before you get too excited, I already lost my ass virginity, so it's not that. I got the very first doses of my meds, so if you ever wondered "Why won't that kid just shut up and take his pills?", then let me just elaborate on the point that I had no pills to take up until this point, but now I do. Also, I'm writing this while being high. So if I throw in a weird-ass nonsensical out-of-place sentence about a giant Obamabot fighting a giant Penguin in the streets of Tokyo before realizing it was a girl giant penguin, and subsequently, destroying the entire city in a giant night-vision-goggle sex-video apocalypse, don't blame me.

Also, I just ate Arby's.

Today, I saw a news story about how Taco Bell's taco may or may not contain actual beef, but rather, "seasoned beef product" or some such nonsense. This made me think. Artificial food tastes delicious, and I want to know how I can make some of my own "beef product". I know that it involves a huge amount of high-fructose corn syrup and possible ground-up internal goat organs.

Now, some people may object to eating processed food upon discovering what's in it, but those people are too picky. That's why they're not eating fresh vegetables in the first place. I, on the other hand, realize that Fast Food is by far our most successful industry, and I think we should put Fast Food somewhere in the Pledge of Allegiance. There was this truck commercial that said "America got two things right: trucks and freedom". Wrong on both counts. The thing we got right was Fast Food, and to lesser extent, our ability to borrow an infinite amount of money from the Chinese. It's okay though; they're basically powerless against us, because if they ever demanded we pay back the debt, we'd instantly cut off their supply of cats and their population would starve off within days.

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

It's part of the conspiracy, man. You think your Government is telling you the truth? If you answer "Yes", then you need to get really, really, really high and then listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon while watching The Wizard Of Oz in sync, and you'll be all like "Oh shit". Think about this: the Humane Society goes around abducting millions, possibly billions (possibly trillions) of stray cats and dogs off da streetz everyday, to hold them for "adoption". If they aren't adopted, they tell us that they put the animals to sleep, which is Humane Society code for "We kill 'em. We kill 'em dead". In reality, all the animals are loaded onto a C-130 Transport Plane and flown to China to be turned into the meat for the Taco Bell franchises in mainland China. The spare cat parts are a regular part of the diet. Eggrolls? It's loaded with cat tongue meat. General Tso's "Chicken"? Cat penis. Won Ton Soup? Cat eyeballs. Kung Pow Chicken? Cat testicles + whiskers.

So, in closing, be sure to adopt a cat, or Sarah McLachlan is going to sing a super-sad song on TV while showing images of kittens until you die.

Hot Girl of The Week: Carrie Prejean; My Cat Attempts to Kill Me

Hello again. Let me get right to the point: I used to think I had good judgment, but that was 5 minutes ago. Thus, I give you this post, which shows how my taste in women has gone down the drain, and I provoke my cat to murder me in cold blood.

























Carrie Prejean was born approximately 2,000 years ago, in the times of Jesus of Nazareth, and as a little girl, she distinctly heard him say the following: "Surely I say unto you, gays can't get married, because marriage is for man + woman only." and she based her whole life on that whole premise.

As a youth, she quickly rose through the ranks of Beauty Pageants, which are special contests, for very special women. Thusly, she was crowned Miss California, a title which allows one to ride a float during a parade and wave to people. To be honest, I hate parades and think they're so boring that it's possible to die while watching one, which is #6 on my list of fears. #5 is my fear of getting trapped in a treasure chest, but that's another post for another time.

Unfortunately for Carrie Prejean, the judges of Miss USA (or Miss America, it was one of those, but who cares, right?) were prejudiced against Miss Prejean just because she was prejudiced against The Gays, ergo, costing her the much-prized Tiara Of Shallowness. She stood up for Traditional Marriage when asked about Gay Rights, which enraged The Left, but stirred up inspiration among The Right.

I personally have no opinion on her comment, but I personally think we should do marriage the way it was done in the Bible: With me being able to marry tons of wives.

After the beauty pageant, Carrie defended her moral high ground by releasing a barrage of leaked nude photos, and videos of her masturbating. Just tons and tons of shocking naked pictures, showing her doing the most lude things imaginable, and I was just like "Good for her... good for her." and at that point, I really grew to respect her and wanted to do heterosexual things with her.

If I had any advice for Carrie, it would be: If you have a gay judge, don't say something anti-gay, if you have a Jewish judge, don't say something anti-semetic, if you have some guy with a Brooklyn accent, don't say you're a Red Sox fan, et cetera.

I personally think Carrie and I would not work out as a couple, because my cat is a psychotic liberal bastard bitch, who scares me. To be honest, I live in constant fear of a cat attack, and always lock my door before going to bed, and sleep next to a baseball bat, although a knife might actually be better.


This is an accurate depiction of my cat:




















How did it get to this point where I live in a state of constant paranoia?


Well, a couple days ago, me and my cat were cool. I was just sitting there, and my cat was just sitting there, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, and completely out of the blue for no reason, my cat ran up to me, bit me, and gave me rabies and possibly the rage virus. The fangs of my cat penetrated clear through my hand, obviously drawing blood, and causing my friends to ask if I had developed stigmata.

I have no idea why my cat did this, because it was completely unprovoked. The only thing I can think of was that we were playing this really fun and funny game that involved me spinning my cat around and around on the linoleum floor by the tail. I was really having fun playing it, and I thought she was too, but I guess not! Damn!