Diet Oatmeal

...tastes exactly like shit.

If you're on a diet, you're forced to eat horrible food. As you may know, Hollywood Actresses never diet. Their method of preparation for movie roles involves a personal trainer feeling them up as they lift tiny weights, and a weak gag reflex. Only lowly non-celebrities attempt to diet, and it fails exactly 100% of the time, and that's a scientific fact, like how toast always falls jelly-side down.

Some of the horrible food used on diets are: Grapefruits (ew), Celery (gag), Yogurt (disgusting), Soy (Garbage), Sugar-Free Gum (fuqqin nazztii), and of course, more low-fat low sugar foods.

So, okay, I wanted to eat some oatmeal, but there was none, but there was diet oatmeal. I always keep some diet oatmeal on the shelf in case I run out of cat litter, and the cat needs something to crap into. Today, I made the ghastly error of deciding to try it out.

On a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being delicious, and 1 being vomit-inducing, it was around -3. It is rumored that David Carradine killed himself because he had some diet oatmeal. Diet oatmeal is what America tortures terrorists with, and is rumored to have been developed by Dick Cheney himself. This stuff is absolute crap in terms of flavor. If diet oatmeal was a person auditioning for American Idol, Simon would quit, and in fact, that's why he DID quit. More people hate diet oatmeal than Justin Bieber and Andy Dick's mutant asshole hate-child (I would call it a love-child, but that just seemed wrong). If diet oatmeal went to high school, he would be shoved in the lockers by the teachers and the principle, and when he turns in his term paper, it would break the school grading system, and they would have to invent a new letter lower than F, possibly G. After this, the teacher would be all "Get out of my classroom." and pull out a shotgun, and diet oatmeal would run out the door crying but would fart with every step. Then he would get home, and his father would beat him without mercy after seeing diet oatmeal's grades, that is, if diet oatmeal's father hadn't committed suicide from the disgrace of having such a failure of a son that turned all his drinking/poker buddies against him. Diet oatmeal's mother, of course, would be knitting a sweater for her son that reads "I suck", because diet oatmeal has a face that even his own mother thought was so hideous that it convinced her to sell her most valuable and dearest possessions to scrape up enough money to get surgery to get her tubes tied and take out her ovaries and place them in a vault that was dropped into an active volcano in the Pacific Ocean, which caused the volcano to erupt so violently that it created a brand-new continent.

Verdict: Guilty of killing Nicole

Reggio's Frozen Pizzas have finally fallen as the king of terrible nasty food.