Report: Lindsay Lohan still drunken; whore

 According to sources close to Lindsay Lohan, she is now completely sober and the whole episode was an apparent "prank". In a short statement, Lohan reportedly commented about the whole situation, saying, "I was just kidding.", adding with a smile, "I didn't think everyone would take the whole thing so seriously." As usual, Lindsay's father, Michael Lohan could be reached for comment, but we did our best to ignore him.

 JUST KIDDING LOL

In another statement given after the original statement, Lindsay Lohan said that her new-found sobriety was, in fact, the prank. "Where can I score some crack?" Lohan immediately said with a laugh. Everyone at the press conference had a good laugh, but we could not help but feel sorry for her and... HEY... who doctored that photo to say "whore" over her head!? THIS PAGE IS CLASSY. We're not TMZ.

In Lindsay Lohan news...

Guess what, geeks? Lindsay Lohan will not be going to prison, where she would have to have endure the cuddling of her muscular lesbian cellmate, "Pudding". Rather, she will have to be checked back into rehab. Upon hearing this news, Lindsay was indignant, and kinda just hoped the court would, like, let just live her life, like damn. However, the iron fist of justice hit Lindsay with yet another stint in the rehabs, and I'm 90% certain that they will work this time.

Here's an important fact to remember, though: It costs a lot of money to keep someone in prison. Rehab, however, is dirt cheap, because all you need to do is rent a room in a church basement for a day, set up some steal folding chairs and hold a clipboard, with which you, as the psychological professional working for the government, will pretend to take notes, but will actually be drawing a shark jumping out of the water and eating a deer. You should also keep in mind that Lindsay is rich and WHITE. OH YEAH I WENT THERE.