Divorce Of The Month: Eva Longoria and Tony Parker

To quote Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


My sense of stability in this world has been shattered like a fine china plate being dropped out of Bill Gates' personal learjet. If you don't think that analogy makes sense, then just imagine this: I think Bill Gates is so rich that he just buys priceless plates and then throws them out of planes just to impress the Prime Minister of Japan.

Anyhow, Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives famez and Tony Parker, who does something, like cricket or some sporty thing, were wed in July of 2007 in a fairy-tale-ish Paris wedding that left everyone in tears from it's beauty. Three years later, they were like, "Screw it." and decided to get divorced for political reasons, proving once again that celebrity marriages are part of a secret Russian plot. This comes on the heels of Mel Gibson's bitter custody battle with Oksana Akinshina or someone Russian, which also adds to the mounting evidence that the Russians are involved and that a very elaborate Bourne-Identity-like espionage battle is taking place behind the scenes, so if you see a car chase involving several black vans chasing a Cadillac going backwards on a winding highway in Milan, where all the parties involved are shooting at each other, ending in a car pile-up and/or explosion, you know why.

There is a very funny side to this sad story though; both Longoria and Parker got tattoos of each other's names on themselves, so the writers of Desperate Housewives may have to write something into the script to explain why Gabrielle suddenly has laser scars all over the back of her neck, probably involving alien abduction, because to be honest, that show is getting really weird. It's kind of like what happens when the ratings go down, and the writers have to amp up the ridiculousness factor because they're getting uh... gosh, what's the word? I can't think of it.

In conclusion, WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jon Stewart's Rally Was Insane

Look at this.

Today, Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, and chronic Olivia-Munn-Hirer, held The Rally To Restore Sanity, a 1-day event in Washington D.C. where thousands would gather to show how sane they are.

As an insane person, I am deeply offended and disturbed by this rally's message and the implications of the said rallying. As an official Celebrity Gossip Person, it is my duty to obsess over the insaneness of Hollywood, and on rare occasions, Bollywood. When Britney Spears shaved her hair off, I was there. When David Hasselhoff attempted to eat that hamburger while drunk on camera, I watched in the bushes. When Mel Gibson said Jews caused all the wars, I was watching them cause those wars. I thrive, live and breathe insanity, and it is my oxygen. Not the channel. As an official mamarazzi (A more gentle, caring version of the paparazzi), I need America to be as crazy as possible, not just for myself, but also for myself.

However, hyperbolically speaking, the rally was nuts. It had everything I desire in a rally: crazy signs that are contradictory to the point of the rally, Sheryl Crow's fake teeth, Ozzy Osbourne, and Stephen Colbert melting into a pool of delicious butter. I personally feel like it was a success in that it restored our sense that sanity was possible, which you know will put everyone into a crazed frenzy trying to get it. In fact, I was reading some of the news articles to get a sense of how people felt about the rally, and of course, I will just let their random comments do the talking:

Person 1: all whiteskinned liberals are dirty racists who worship klansman robert byrd. i still have not heard them repudiate nancy pelosi for her white supremacist actions.

Person 2:

rujokingme ..... perfect example of dimwitted conservative. Not only can they not use proper grammar, they use contradicting statements for their arguments. Like a nat at a barbeque..... just buggin the fu#k outta ya.....