This is most right post I've ever blogged on any blog site.
Let me ask you a philosophical question. Have you ever eaten a hotdog? Yes?
THEN YOU GAY.
Jenna Talackova is a lovely young woman with gorgeous locks of blonde hair and a smile that could melt a shark. Every blood cell in my body is like totally in love with her and I want to be with her. I want to want to watch a romantic movie with her while we cuddle together in the big chair, and begin kissing each other passionately. Then, I would carry her to my bedroom and...
Okay, I've just been informed mid-sentence that Jenna Talackova was born as a man, and I totally can't edit my paragraphs once I've typed them.
Holy shit! She's like, the hottest guy I've ever seen.
In my life, I've never known which kind of bros I've wanted to hang with. Do I try to hang with the cool bros who love football and get tribal arm-band tattoos? Do I hang out with my fellow nerd bros and talk about Lord Of The Rings all day and night? Do I hang out with black bros who use a lot of obscure urban vernacular that I can barely follow? I've never known the true answer to these questions. None of them seem like the right 'fit' for me. When I heard about Jenna, I knew at once what the truth was. I want to hang out with bros who have vaginas and look like female supermodels.
Look at this:
Click to enlarge (the picture)
Now look at the boobs. Definitely totally fake. Look down at the bikini. Observe carefully the shape that forms when the bikini clings to the flesh. That is not a dick-shape. That is most certainly a vulva-shape. How did that vulva get there? I don't know. I don't really care about the whole semantic process, because the end result is completely acceptable.
"BUT BRO, SHE USED TO BE A GUY."
Yes, there used to be a penis there. I'm not debating that. If your girlfriend/wife has ever had sex with anyone other than yourself, then TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, there was a penis in HER private-area as well. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND? Heck yes I did, and now you're thinking about renouncing your religion. Don't do it. You need your faith in order to know who you're supposed to hate.
So, long story short, I'd fuck her.
If I had any advice for Jenna, it would be: OH SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID IDIOT! FUCK, WE'RE ALL DEAD, GET THE FUCK OUT!
Unfortunately, I don't think our relationship would last, because she is a supermodel/beauty queen, and I'm like whatever the opposite of that is. My physique is so appallingly grotesque that I make the Tree-Man look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. This one time, I looked at a mirror, and my reflection puked. Another time, I looked at a baby, and it's head exploded, which lead to the mother suing me for eight million dollars (Like I can afford that kind of coin), but since she was holding the baby at the time of the incident, and there was no concrete evidence that my ugliness directly caused the baby's head to combust, so the jury found me not guilty. I later published a book about the incident titled "If I actually did it", detailing how I would hypothetically cause the lady's baby's head to explode, if I wanted to, which I don't. The book only sold 7 copies and my Publisher told me to "get the fuck out of her office".
