How Hayden Panettiere lost 245 lbs in just 2 weeks!

Hollywood loves young upcoming stars, and Hayden Panettiere is no exception, but she has one weakness: food. After NBC's Heroes was cancelled due to the fact that it sucked and the writers had no idea where they were going with the plot, Panettiere began eating a large amount of bacon and chocolate ice cream every day, sometimes at the same time, and ended up looking like Jabba the Hutt, or worse, Rosie O'Donnell. To have a career in the entertainment industry, everyone knows that you can't be fat, unless you're a man. Everyone knows that fat guys are hilarious. I sincerely hope in future that fat people never rise up against discrimination and it becomes politically incorrect to make fun of the morbidly obese, which might jeopardize my potential run for President of the United States of America. 

Anyhow, ABC developed a brand-new series called Nashville, which is okay. I saw an episode of it, and it's the same old TV drama formulas crammed into a country-music-industry anecdote. But whatever, right? Country music may not be my forte per se, but the show is still better than any of that herpes-ridden rotten horse saliva being squeezed out of the nipple of the evil giraffe-goddess, also known as "NBC shows". I mean, they're ending 30 Rock? Eat a bag of period blood, NBC.

Wait, what was I writing about? Oh, right. Hayden Panettiere was on the way to being the epitome of all those "yo momma so fat..." jokes when her agent told her that she was going to need to lose some of that flab, and replace it with fab. Panettiere immediately threw her cellphone against a brick wall out of sheer rage, which burned like 10 calories right there. Then she went into the gym, where a bunch of muscular steroid-guys offered to give her personal training "for free". She declined, knowing that she would have to sleep with them, and they would have very small dicks. She walked on the treadmill for like 2 seconds before realizing something.

"I was in really bad shape!" Panettiere said, "I knew things had gotten out of control. I knew I had to make like Stella and get my groove back. Walking on that treadmill sure wasn't going to do it, so I went to the only person I could trust: Dr. Scienceman, who works as a nutritionist, personal trainer, and spiritual adviser to the stars. The man is truly amazing. He taught the Prince of Spain how to do a back handspring. So I went to him to ask him for his guidance. He looked me right in my eyes, my big beautiful blue eyes, which complimented my soft facial features and flowing golden hair, and said 'Hayden, you need to starve. You need to starve hard.' and that's what I did. I starved the living daylights out of myself. I starved until I was skinny enough. I starved until I was good enough. Then, ABC called me and said 'We see you've lost quite a bit of weight there. We had a part in our show that we were going to have to give to Ashley Tisdale, but thank God we don't have to. You have no idea how relieved we are. We want to sign you to the show for the price of 1,000,000,000$ per episode. And I said yes. It's a truly inspiring American dream story come true. If you work hard in America, and are pretty enough, anything is possible."

Hot Girl Of The Week: Snooki

What? You got a problem with this blog post, mom? Well guess what; I'm GROWN. Y'ALL CAN'T GROUND ME. I'M GROWN. Now, you may be wondering, "Why now? Isn't there some irrelevant international crisis to cover instead of Snooki, who is famous for doing nothing? Isn't our economy in a crisis? Crisis?"

Goddamn it, I'm sick of the goddamn economy. The economy can go fuck itself, if that's even possible (it's probably not). And what - if I write about the economy hard enough, then that'll make everything all better? Well, here you go: Free markets are expected to undergo booms and busts concurrent with the proliferation of the public sector debt. Most people make the assumption that economic policy and 'the economy' are interrelated, however, blah blah blah blah go suck my dick. There, you happy now? Got a job again? No? Alright, then let's talk about Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi, who isn't "famous for nothing". She's famous for being hilarious on national television. Now, no one is more hilarious than fat people, because it's still socially acceptable to poke fun at them and their jiggly rolls of fat. However, while we were all caught up in this 'economy' nonsense, Snooki rolled up in a cocoon of anorexia, and emerged as a skeletal butterfly of pure Hollywood beauty. Therefore, the transformation is complete: Snooki has gone from 'hilarious fat girl' to 'incredibly skinny girl who might still be funny but who the hell knows'.

Personally, as part of the Hollywood (and sometimes Bollywood) scene, I see rib cages and protruding spinal bones as gorgeous. I don't want boobs. I don't want butts or curves or a working reproductive system on my women - I want bones and fragility. I want to see them squeeze into size -2 dresses on red carpets, and Snooki has accomplished just that. Therefore, Snooki has become a thing of beauty in my eyes, and any tabloid that wants to bash her and LeAnn Rimes for being holocaustically gorgeous; I challenge the head editor of any such spin organization to a duel with two pistols at twenty paces.

If I had any advice to give to Snooki it would be: You go girl.

Unfortunately, I could not accept Snooki as a girlfriend, and I don't think our relationship would work out because I love eating food. I would chomp into a quadruple stack bacon cheeseburger in front of her and she'd be all like "Why you gotta eat in front of me? You're just being a jerk." and I'd be all like "Yo chica, I needs ma quadruple stack, and if you don't like it, how about you just go to hell?" and then she contest my suggestion to burn eternally in Satan's abode due to her disdain for my vile eating habits by telling me that "we're through" and then storming off in a huff. I would then be heart-broken, but not from the break-up... mostly because of the quadruple stack. That thing literally breaks hearts.

LeAnn Rimes is too skinny and needs to eat.

Look at this:











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Do I even need to write anything here? Yes, when your hip bones protrude abnormally far out and you can see your ribs, it's called "abs", love. Amy Paterson, shame on you. SHAME. Now Leann has to run the talk-show gauntlet to tell all the hosts she can that she's not anorexic. In the before-and-after pictures, you can clearly see she's wearing strips across, which makes her APPEAR heavier. In the second picture, she's wearing blue, which makes you look anorexic. So please, people, Leann Rimes is healthy as... as... fuck! So leave her alone, or else I will come to your house, and have a polite but firm conversation with you on how your words are hurtful.