How to be a Rapper: A Quick Make-Up Tutorial

Are you sick of being a douchebag? Do you want all your friends to think you're cool?














Hmm, yeah?

Then you may want to consider a career as a Professional Hip-Hop Artist, also known as a Rapper, or an Emcee, or, in some rare instances, A Very Musical Gangster. You know some hardcore gang bangers have music in them; we all do, and that's what makes the human imagination so magical, even the imaginations of those guys who go around shooting people.

Note: Not all rappers are gangsters, and not all gangsters are rappers. If you ever took an IQ test, you'd realize that, SON.

So, look, 2012 is coming soon, and there may not be much time to pursue your dreams, and Randy Quaid has been exiled to Canada, so he won't be able to save us this time, so if you ever want to make your dreams of banging Miss Info and possibly a Kardashian sister come true, you need to get your rap career started quick.

I'm convinced that becoming a rapper is easy. You don't have to sing, dance, write your music, do anything, etc., in order to be successful. All you need is to follow The Formula. No one knows who invented The Formula, because so many people take credit for it, myself included, so let's just say that it was invented by Bill Gates. For instance, consider that Lil Wayne is the Best Rapper Alive. This is a fact, because it was confirmed by Lil Wayne himself, who also began the rumor that he was the Best Rapper Alive, despite this title being disputed by everyone else, even rappers on his own label. But that's part of hip-hop! Even if everyone else in the world is totally against what flies out of your mouth, The Laws of Hip-Hop dictate that you must "fuck 'em all" (Not sexually) and go against the grain. Well, anyhow! Lil Wayne went on the Tim Westwood show and had this to say when asked to do a "freestyle" live:

"I don't even know how to rap!"

And he wasn't even kidding.

If you are unfamiliar with freestyling, it is the act of rapping live, but not using any pre-meditated rhymes, which means you make it up as you go along. Lil Wayne busted out this freestyle:

[long pause]
[laughs]
Okay...
Welcome to the Carter
Little shoppa [unintelligible]
Bloody like a period, after [Dee Arthur!?]
Doctor, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog!
Not George Town, but I'm-a Uptown hood
[Laughs]
Like the law and my lawyers
I got them come be my employers
Freestylin', for ya know, know me
No, no, only for Monique
More of the money I get, I got that
Yeah, like a pot and a pan, I rock that
Yeah, I back with my bus driver, where to go?
[long pause]
[takes a sip of drink]
They diminish, I replenish
Scientific, I'm out this world, homes
AND I WEAR BRIGHT RED, LIKE A GIRL TOE! NO HOMO!
My fingernails dirty cuz I been counting dirty money since 12:30
a.m., weigh them, if they show up, take them, right back spray him, amen!
I just do my Wayne, and every time I do it, I do my thang!
YEAH.
[takes a drink]
[wipes sweat from forehead from intense concentration]


Now, just imagine him saying these rhymes very slowly, and out of rhythm. I know some of the lines didn't even rhyme or make any sense, but it's hard out there for a rapper, who's just trying to make a buck, or several million.

Okay, here we go.

1 - Everything has to be in Black and White.






















Pretty simple, right?


2 - You must wear an oversized white t-shirt, baggy jeans, old gym shoes, a leather jacket, a baseball cap, and a gold necklace at all times.

3 - You must drive a fly mercedes and fill it with fly ladies.

4 - Tell everyone that you're a rapper, even if they don't ask. Just go around freestyling all the time and telling people that you're a rapper, possibly the best. If they get annoyed, call them a hater and tell them that "they'll be sorry someday soon".

5 - You must talk like you are from The Hood at all times. If you talk in a non-Hood voice, then everyone from The Hood will know that you're faking it, so don't ever even use your non-Hood voice, ever!

6 - Look at people like this:
















If anyone asks why you're looking at them that way, just say "I'm a rapper", and they'll totally understand.

7 - Have swagger. Swagger isn't just walking really weird, it's an attitude. People have to feel your aura, so that they automatically know how fly of a rapper you is. I mean "are".

8 - Copy everything that Jay-Z does, but pretend that you don't, and then tell people that you're a Nas fan.













"My name is Hov. How are you?"


9 - Always hang out at clubs and with models. Never hang out with computer nerds, emo kids, and old white men, unless of course, those old white men are Tim Westwood.


10 - Unfortunately, there may come a time when you need actual rap lyrics to spew out of your mouth. On the bright side, it's EZ!!! Just find a bunch of words that sound cool and rhyme, then just start throwing them together. Here are a few to get you started:

Club - Bub (Short for Bubbly, which is short for Champagne)
Shorty - For me (It works, just slur it)
Rims - Trim (You should be using this to refer to a fly shorty)
Car - Bar
Cat - Hat
Girl - Twirl
Heezy - Sheezy
You know - Fo Sho
Flo - Show
Go - Ho
Bitch - Rich
Rocks - Glocks
Nuts - Butts

I hope that helped.

If you are still confused on how to write a rap song, don't worry. Just say "I'm a dog!" like 80 times, and probably some people will still think it's a decent freestyle. For your songs, just get a Canadian to write your rap lyrics, because they have unlimited marijuana up there, which boosts their creativity +3

THE END