My New Year's Resolutions

2011 is officially here and you know what that means.

That's right: A new model of Japanese sex robots, Iran testing their first nuclear bomb, and of course, New Year Resolutions. You may be wondering what a resolution is. Well, screw you. I'll never tell.

Here are my resolutions for this year:

- Wax Museum in my house

- I resolve to breathe oxygen every day and every night

- Record rap album

- Get a picture of me next to Barack Obama while flashing a gang sign (I will be the one flashing the gang sign, not the president.)

- Hoard pets

- Fight the power

- Call Major Tom

- Rearrange your face in alphabetical order

- Remix a Taylor Swift song to add some Kanye West vocals into it

- Wear a dress made of meat

- Eat some chicken wings

- Score some coke

- Turn into a jet

- Bomb the Russians

- Fight a shark, and then eat the dead shark's body

- Fight a bear; lose; have the bear eat my dead body

- Fight an Irish guy while drunk

- Say something racist right in front of Al Sharpton

- Tell your mom I have sexual feelings for her. YOUR mom.

- Make fun of Daft Punk fans. Oh wait, I already do that.

- Reach enlightenment

- Install Linux on some unsuspecting person's computer just to watch 'em squirm

- Bitch

- Eat a bat

- Reach for the stars

- Quit smoking

- Start smoking again

- Start smoking crack

- Live on the streets and start sucking dicks for money to buy more crack

- Get into rehab

- Get my life back together

- drive off a cliff

- Expose Benny Hinn as a fraud (Maybe I'll do this first, as it will be the easiest one)

- Dig through the ditches and burn through the witches

- Try a new apple cake recipe

- Snap a geek over my knee just for looking at me

- Eat glass

- Eat grass

- Eat ass (of a pig, aka ham)

- Eat a bass

- Eat a 100 dollar bill

- Get a black belt in a martial art that doesn't exist

- Poop

- Wonder about the meaning of the universe, and to a lesser extent, the uniboob

- Punch a Winnie The Pooh mascot in the dick!



Well, I have a busy year ahead of me. Good luck to everyone on keeping their resolutions, because nothing will make you hate yourself more than making a promise to yourself, and then instantly breaking it because you have no character or will power, which is why you are not the main character in the movie/reality show that you imagine yourself to be in.

Halloween: The Sluttiest Time Of Year

"I hear someone is has been dirty."



Today, once again, is All Hallow's Day, on which the Catholic Church commemorates those who have received beatific vision in Heaven by passing out candy to children dressing up as superheroes, clowns, cowboys, and various fictional characters. Occasionally, the children dress as factual characters, such as Flavor Flav, but that's quite rare that you find children and parents who collaborate to get that creative, WHICH IS WHY I HATE MY PARENTS UGH!

It's also a day for the older crowd to dress up, and by older, I don't mean you, Grandma. Get over yourself Grandma. I'm not always talking about you. I'm talking about girls and boys who are older than 12, but more specifically, girls and boys who are older than 18, but even more specifically, just the girls who are older than 18, but younger than 30.

The girls tend to go as one of the following:

- French Maid

- Sailor Scout

- Naughty Kitty

- Naughty Librarian

- Sexy Cactus Girl

- Bikini Girl With Machine Gun

- Sex Robot


I appreciate all of these. I, of course, would be more than happy to give these girls who put such thought into their costume lots and lots of candy, and I don't necessarily mean a sick 50-Centesque metaphor, but I can mean that if they want it to pertain to that meaning, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN lololololololololololololol. Now, I also understand that some of the costumes may confuse you if you've never heard of them before, such as "Sexy Cactus Girl". Let me tell you, you do not want to fondle a girl in that costume.

"Sex Robot" isn't necessarily a costume, but it's a more economical approach to Halloween dress-up, in which the person becomes their own costume. Girls who go as "sex robot" just make a lot of sudden, mechanical jerky motions and go "Beep beep boop, I am a robot. How may I please you?" in a monotone voice, reminiscent of the slow lumbering aluminum-foil bots of 50s sci-fi cinema.

Whatever you may go as, remember, don't get raped!

Happy Halloween.