Folks, I don't know aboot you, but I am starting to get excited over the possibility of Christmas coming in a few days. I was always get anxious that Christmas will be canceled, and all the presents will be thrown in the trash. If that happened, I would rage, and then probably go into a self-destructive spiral of alcoholism and crappy poetry.
I sent this Wish List to The North Pole, because it's completely plausible that an obese saint, who employs an army of pointy-eared midget slave labour, traverses the entire globe in the span of 8 hours in a in an old-fashioned sleigh that can somehow fly, through the power of love or some shit, to break into millions of homes and leave brightly-packaged boxes to children that he has stalked for years to survey their morality/family's income for gift-receiving eligibility.
My List:
- Roxxxy, the Sex Robot
- A really, really huge flashlight, so that I can paralyze legions of frogs.
- A battering ram for storming a medieval castle.
- POKEMON!
- Battle-Raper II
- Communism
- A bowl of beef stew, but with no celery, because celery is horribad.
- Ass
- The Catue of Libpurrty
- Winona Ryder, preferably alive, so poke air holes in the box so she can breathe
- A red paperclip, so I can trade it for a house
I would've asked for a bootleg copy of the final Harry Potter movie, but I already traded my testicles for it in the streets of Hong Kong. When I saw it, I was kind of shocked. I didn't
expect Hagrid to die.
Because I am a stoner, who enjoys smoking crystal meth, I watch a lot of cartoons. The cartoons around this time of year are annoying to me, because all of them are Christmas-themed, and they all revolve around the shaky premise that Santa Claus is in danger and needs to be saved. All the episodes go like this:
1. One of the characters in the show denies Santa exists. They refuse to get into the Christmas spirit and all of the other characters act all condescending because of this.
2. Santa is incapacitated by some villain, who is out to "destroy Christmas", because if he/she destroys Christmas, that somehow will advance their goals.
3. The gang of protagonists save Santa, but wait! One of the reindeer is sick! Whatever shall he do?
4. One of the show's characters volunteers to pull the sleigh, and using Christmas magic, is granted the power to fly and pull the sleigh, although it's unclear why Santa needs reindeer at all if he has this magic.
5. The character mentioned in plot point number 1 finally concedes that Santa is real, and is filled with "Christmas cheer". Christmas is saved. The end.
Repeat x1000000
However, children are stupid as a pile of rocks. In spite of insurmountable evidence, they believe their parents' malicious lies that a fat old bearded man brings them presents, because "you just have to believe". After all, Santa is magic, and lives primarily on cookies and milk when there's a plentiful supply of baby seals for him to club to death for food up there. Anyhoo, there is a glaring contradiction that no one can get around, and God help us all if our stupid kids ever figure this one out. Santa Claus' formal English-name is St. Nicholas, which can be confirmed in many popular Christmas Carols. To become a saint, YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD. So either Santa is a sacrilegious liar, or he's dead, which still leaves open the possibility that he's a zombie-elf.
Whatever the case is, as long as we're keeping the childrens believing that Santa is real, and that my black van is unsafe, we might as well bring back the traditional Christmas character, Black Pete. Black Pete is a demon that accompanies Santa Claus across the globe, and while good children get gifts, the bad children are stuffed into Black Pete's sack to be brought to Spain as a punishment. And you all know how fucked-up Spain is.
Happy Hanukkah.
