Quvenzhane Wallis Thwards "Onion" Plot at Oscars

While I was at the Oscars, Kate Moss pulled me into a limo and what happened in there, we shall never speak of. More importantly, I had to stay updated with all the latest tweets and twits about all of that Oscars-shit. During the beautiful star-studded ceremony, the young Quvenzhane Wallis, who won many, many awards for Beasts of the Southern Wild, won yet another award.

Naturally, the satirical newspaper, The Onion, was jealous and embittered over a young black girl winning, and decided to take her down. "Our mission was to utterly crush her." A source inside The Onion reported, "We wanted to obliterate every fiber of her soul." and around 4:20 p.m. last Thursday, The Onion tweeted:

"Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?"

The evil executives at The Onion were hoping that this tweet would destroy Wallis' career by turning middle-America against the young star. As our source explained, "They wanted her gone. Most people think our newspaper is satirical but... but it's not. It's a hitman organization. It's a butchering slab. Our objectives at The Onion are clear: destroy, ruin careers, kill, steal, destroy, mayhem, anarchy, chaos.[sic]"

Obviously, The Onion's well-prepared attack campaign against Wallis was unsuccessful, with many Americans standing up for their beliefs and taking a stance against bad words. Julie Brown, a mother of two children, agreed to be interviewed at random, and said "When you start using this kind of language to degrade children, that ain't right. That ain't right. The Onion should be ashamed of themselves for trying to get a laugh at the expense of children." We at JCG agree; this abhorrent, calculated and deliberate smear campaign by the sick and depraved minds behind The Onion (probably all creepy child molesters) should be denounced by every apple-pie-eating, god-fearing, red-blooded American.

Wallis released a statement to The Onion, saying, "Fuck all of y'all. I got an Oscar that you wish you could shove up your nasty asses."

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a c--t, right? - See more at: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/25/the-onion-tweets-that-quvenzhan-wallis-is-a-cunt.html#sthash.LrnwEocp.dpuf

Sarah Palin Gets Naked For America

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and present-day Fox News Contributor has shocked the nation with her raunchy photoshoot showing the former Governor's more natural physical attributes. Palin  has been crusading to keep tuna fish in schools, after lawmakers threatened to ban tuna fish sandwiches in public schools because, according to the superintendent of a school district in Columbus, OH, "They smell like puke." which received little attention until one day, Sarah Palin was giving a speech to a small and very bored drowsy little audience, who yielded little enthusiasm until Mrs. Palin decided to remove her clothes. "I had to get their attention, and boy did that do the trick!" Palin commented afterwards, adding, "This has really brought a lot of attention to the pro-tuna grizzly moms around America who want to make sure their kids are getting a proper daily nutrition of tuna."

To keep the pro-tuna movement alive, Palin has made a number of appearances around country, giving speeches, and stripping completely naked, revealing her naked boobs and vagina to thousands of people. "We thought Sarah Palin might be losing relevance," Conservative commentator Ricky Barney said on Fox's Say Whatever You Want program, "this just shows that even during a big election like this one, a woman can still stay relevant to the national dialogue. That says a lot about how far we've come as a country. She is truly an innovator on the political landscape of this great nation, and her pussy is in surprisingly good shape."

Palin allegedly put in 40 days of training and dieting to prepare it for full-frontal nudity, as she has pledged to maximize her attractiveness during her country-wide tour to save tuna fish sandwiches in schools. When asked if she would continue getting completely naked or possibly even escalating her theater to lewd sex acts, the former Governor smiled brightly, her perky tits jiggling back and forth as she shifted her sitting position and answered, "You betcha! These kids in school deserve real American tuna. I'll do whatever I can to make sure the naysayers in the mainstream media get real and start telling the truth!"

Democrats argue that her nudity actually distracts from the issue of the Separation of Tuna and State, as stated by Thomas Jefferson, "Believing with you that the consumption of tuna is a matter which lies solely between an individual and his family, that he owes account to none other for his fish or his walleye, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of the consumption of tuna fish, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Tuna and State." but critics of the Democratic Party have argued "As long as you keep this up, the more naked Sarah Palin is going to be."

Anderson Cooper: "I'm straight."

For years now, the sexual orientation of CNN's Anderson Cooper has been a topic of much discussion and controversy. Cooper did little to ease rumors that he was gay, stating, "It's not important whether I'm straight or gay. What matters is that I'm a journalist. My personal life has nothing to do with that shit."

Finally, though, Anderson Cooper came clean, stating, "To be honest, I'm straight, and I have always been straight. I thoroughly enjoy looking at women's boobs and vaginas, and also making love to the vaginas, sometimes while touching the breasts." This response left everyone quiet. Then someone spoke up and asked "Are you sure you're straight." Anderson Cooper looked down, then quietly said "Yeah... yeah, it's true. I've never thought about sliding my penis in and out of a sexy male's ass as we both sweat while making love and become one. I'm all about vaginas."

So, there you have it. Anderson Cooper is straight as the crow flies.