Kristen and Robert's Tension Rise; Team Edward Loses Ground

Word has it that America's least-beloved couple, Kristin Stewart, who is incapable of human emotions other than "boredom" and "disgust", and Robert Patterson, who is some random white kid, have a whirlwind romance that is on the rocks. The couple reportedly "doesn't give a shit", much to the dismay of Twilight, in which both Stewart and Patterson are actors. That's right. The whole damn series as an entity is upset about this. DVDs are suddenly developing consciousness, and anthropomorphic mouths that have communicated to the public and to our news sources that they want "Those two to just work things out." A poster for the latest Twilight movie (I don't know what it's called, but it's probably something like "Solar Equinox" or "Quarter Moon") reportedly came to life momentarily, and the image of Bella Swan, an unpopular character from the series played by Kristin Stewart, shed a single tear of what can only be described as "contrived sadness". 

This news of a rift between Kristin Stewart and Edward Cullen Robert Patterson has come as great news to Team Jacob, a group of Lycan-supporting zealots who seek to see Kristin Stewart's Bella Swan fall in love with a certain werewolf named Jacob. I hate to editorialize at times like these, but I personally think werewolves are like, awesome, because they're wolfs. All Edward does is turn into a bat at night, and uses his supersonic echo-radar to hunt insects, whereas Jacob turns into a wolf and eats elk, wild boars and even his own body and then saying "Chaos... REIGNS" to Willem DaFoe right before his evil wife smashes his nuts with a sledgehammer. That's pretty awesome right there. All I can say is this: do not despair, citizens of America. The power of love never prevails in Hollywood, which is a bottomless pit of soul-sucking godlessness that has a never-ending unquenchable thirst for ruining relationships. Personally, I blame Obama.

(Picture by some website, but I cannot read the damn watermark because it's too small and the letters are all garbled, so thanks to them.)

w9e847ro3qw DEMI MOORE AND ASHTON KUTCHER DIVORCE SCANDAL NUDE PICS HUH WHAT

Imagine you married your own mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time - you know she can make a mean breakfast, and you've already been in her vagina and sucked her tits. WELL, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. Next time, do something smarter with your time like playing golf in a thunderstorm, but instead of hitting golf balls, you're hitting yourself in the nuts repeatedly.

Ashton Kutcher has done both. Sort of. I'm not going to lie; marrying Demi Moore was probably the worst thing Ashton Kutcher has ever done, and he hosted Punk'd. So after a 500 billion dollar divorce, they're finally separated. Do not believe the headlines that claim that they are still together. I am declaring here and now that their marriage is so over that if it was more over, it would be Harold Camping's career.

The only way this relationship could get any more bizarre is if Ashton got breast implants and joined the Cult of Scientology simultaneously. Meanwhile, somewhere, Bruce Willis' ring is dropping to the ground and he's realizing that he's actually a ghost. I mean, that's what happened to his career after making a 17th Die Hard movie with the Mac guy, and Cop Out, which was named after the scriptwriters' mentality. Now, as Ashton Kutcher chases down some sleeping pills with whiskey in his closed garage with the motor running, wearing a Bruce Willis t-shirt and sobbing like a baby, Bruce Willis is yelling "Yippie kie yay, motherfucker!" as he orgasms while having incredibly incredible for-old-times-sake sex with Demi Moore's anus. SUP, ASHTON? Who's getting Punk'd now!?

If My Name Is Earl has taught us anything, it's that you can't run from Karma. Karma, of course, is a force of the universe which influences the paths of all conscious beings, and if you do something bad, then something bad will happen back to you. Like, let's say you marry Bruce Willis' ex-wife. That's pretty bad. In Christianity, I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for that. In Karma-anity, you have douchey tabloids trash the shit out of you until you start doing drugs just to escape from reality, and eventually end up on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where he declares you to be "unfixable".