Rage Against Charlie Sheen

Yes.

February was a boring and heavily-medicated month for me, but this month has been blowing up with headlines about one man: Charlie effing Sheen. For an intense celebrity-obsessed blogger like myself, I could not physically bring my fingers to resist the urge to type a post about Chuckie Sheen's wild antics, and BLOW THEM WILDLY OUT OF PROPORTION.

First of all, I get Charlie Sheen. He's just like me, except much older, has been in movies, lives on the other side of the country, is a different person, is much richer, owns a car, etc., but we're basically the same. I know what's going on in that brain of his. I see through that paper-thin facade. It's pretty obvious to me that Charlie Sheen -- and I am going on the official record as saying this shit -- is doing drugs again.

Is that slander? I don't know. We'll let our high-powered Jewish Lawyerbots battle it out in the streets of Tokyo to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'm just going to throw that out there, cuz it's ma opinion and I'm usually never wrong. This one time, a girl told me she knew Clay Aiken was straight, and I was like "Uh, no, he's gay." and look who's laughing all the way to the gay bank now? Me.

Now look, I know a lot of people are fanz of Charlie Sheen. He has a certain... uh... sheen... to him, and he was on the hilarious-for-awhile-then-gag-inducingly-repetitive hit show Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen as himself almost literally. All he had to do to get into character was show up at the studio and drink a glass of Jack Daniels, and -bam-, Charlie Sheen was ready to get on stage. Due to his personal life being an out of control party of hookers and cocaine (my opinion), he was promptly fired by Donald Trump from the show. Personally, I blame the economy for this layoff, and more importantly, I blame Obama. Damn you, Obama! You spent 800 billion dollars to bail out banks that got us into this mess, but didn't spend one cent to bail out Charlie Sheen. Why? America deserves answers, answers we're not getting, unless we go to protest outside the Black House (Formerly known as the White House) and PROTEST OUR ASSES OFF.

Who can possibly fill the gaping hole that is Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? Here's my opinion. No one. Only Charlie Sheen can show up to work and act in a role which is himself. Rob Lowe cannot show up to the set and be Charlie Sheen. That doesn't work, unless this an alternate dimension that we've stepped over into by warping time and space through a quantum experiment gone horribly wrong, which it's not! Just let the show die. The jokes have all been done to death, and while they were all funny and hilarious at first, IT'S OVER. LET IT GO, CBS, OR WHICHEVER NETWORK OWNS THAT SHOW. IT'S OVER. CAPS.

Oprah: Lesbian?

I'd like to take some time out from my Christmas-family-time to once again focus on what's truly important this holiday season: celebrities. Specifically, celebrities who are lesbians, and specifically, Oprah Winfrey.

I first suspected Oprah was a lesbian since always. Since then, I have picked up many pieces of the puzzle to build my huge, hard, throbbing, rock-solid case that Oprah has been lezzing it up, but one vital piece remains precariously and tantalizingly out of my grasp: A Scooby-Doo Episode style confession where she blurts out the obvious truth that shocks only the most naive 14-year-old girls who could've sworn that Clay Aiken was straight as a geometrical line. This has given me cause to go to Lez Con 5.

Very recently, Oprah gave an interview to Barbara Walters, in which Oprah denied engaging in hot steamy lesbian loving with Beyonce or some shit. She also denied being a lesbian entirely. Case closed, right? Wrong. That's exactly what I would expect a Secret Lesbian to say. I know their language.

This, of course, would come as no surprise to no one, because Ellen of Ellen is also a talk-show host with huge ratings (whose ass is kissed to no end and to, more often than not, no avail) who also, incidentally, is a lesbian. Bonnie Hunt is probably also a lesbian. The problem is, though, being a role model for married, middle-aged housewives takes on a special kind of responsibility, because I just know they're all going to have second thoughts about taking advice from a woman who is a single lesbian woman. I can't imagine two housewives having this conversation, nor can you:

Betty: Oh dear, I want to go shopping for my husband, but he always hates the clothes I buy for him. What should I do?

Kathy: I know! Let's ask a our friend, who is single at age 40, and also a lesbian!

Betty: Great idea!

and so on.

However, the truth must be revealed, therefore, by the power vested in me by Oden, king of the Norse gods, I hereby demand that Oprah do a webcam interview with me and admit to the obvious truth, a request which I somehow find to be totally realistic and flawless.