How Hayden Panettiere lost 245 lbs in just 2 weeks!

Hollywood loves young upcoming stars, and Hayden Panettiere is no exception, but she has one weakness: food. After NBC's Heroes was cancelled due to the fact that it sucked and the writers had no idea where they were going with the plot, Panettiere began eating a large amount of bacon and chocolate ice cream every day, sometimes at the same time, and ended up looking like Jabba the Hutt, or worse, Rosie O'Donnell. To have a career in the entertainment industry, everyone knows that you can't be fat, unless you're a man. Everyone knows that fat guys are hilarious. I sincerely hope in future that fat people never rise up against discrimination and it becomes politically incorrect to make fun of the morbidly obese, which might jeopardize my potential run for President of the United States of America. 

Anyhow, ABC developed a brand-new series called Nashville, which is okay. I saw an episode of it, and it's the same old TV drama formulas crammed into a country-music-industry anecdote. But whatever, right? Country music may not be my forte per se, but the show is still better than any of that herpes-ridden rotten horse saliva being squeezed out of the nipple of the evil giraffe-goddess, also known as "NBC shows". I mean, they're ending 30 Rock? Eat a bag of period blood, NBC.

Wait, what was I writing about? Oh, right. Hayden Panettiere was on the way to being the epitome of all those "yo momma so fat..." jokes when her agent told her that she was going to need to lose some of that flab, and replace it with fab. Panettiere immediately threw her cellphone against a brick wall out of sheer rage, which burned like 10 calories right there. Then she went into the gym, where a bunch of muscular steroid-guys offered to give her personal training "for free". She declined, knowing that she would have to sleep with them, and they would have very small dicks. She walked on the treadmill for like 2 seconds before realizing something.

"I was in really bad shape!" Panettiere said, "I knew things had gotten out of control. I knew I had to make like Stella and get my groove back. Walking on that treadmill sure wasn't going to do it, so I went to the only person I could trust: Dr. Scienceman, who works as a nutritionist, personal trainer, and spiritual adviser to the stars. The man is truly amazing. He taught the Prince of Spain how to do a back handspring. So I went to him to ask him for his guidance. He looked me right in my eyes, my big beautiful blue eyes, which complimented my soft facial features and flowing golden hair, and said 'Hayden, you need to starve. You need to starve hard.' and that's what I did. I starved the living daylights out of myself. I starved until I was skinny enough. I starved until I was good enough. Then, ABC called me and said 'We see you've lost quite a bit of weight there. We had a part in our show that we were going to have to give to Ashley Tisdale, but thank God we don't have to. You have no idea how relieved we are. We want to sign you to the show for the price of 1,000,000,000$ per episode. And I said yes. It's a truly inspiring American dream story come true. If you work hard in America, and are pretty enough, anything is possible."

It's almost Christmas 2!

Merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah to the Jews. Also, if you're into Kwanzaa, then I say a strong "Black Power!" to you, brother! Anyhow, it's that time of year again where there is magic in the air; EVIL MAGIC. I'm talking about the sorcery known as the holidays.

Yes, this stupid, chaotic, hated, loved, absolutely insane ode to commercialism/Jesus is back with a vengeance once again to terrorize downtown Tokyo while breathing fire and eating buildings as masses of Japanese people run, horrified. And let me tell you - this has been a good one, and it's not even over yet.

Yeah, I got my shopping down. I bought my brother a golden motorcycle, my sister a pink unicorn with wings, my other brother an M240, my mom a pair of wool socks, and my step-sister a huge vibrating triple-penetration dildo to stuff in her vagina so she can find it in her heart to stop being a stupid whore. And holy shit, she wants to get a chihuahua? How much more Paris Hilton can you get? Well, anyhow, I also got Eminem a signed copy of Mariah Carey's Christmas Album. I'm sure he'll really appreciate it.

I bought Rosie O'Donnell a new career, because she broke the last one.

I bought a bullhorn for Bill O'Reilly so he can yell at his guests even louder!

I picked up a really cute pair of Hello Kitty socks for 50 Cent.

I bought a Rebecca Black album for Justin Bieber.

For Lady GaGa, I made a sphinx out of fish-flavored cake and put it inside of a spherical golden cage, with a pair of conjoined motorcycle-riding twins to continuously ride around inside the cage around the sphinx.

I picked out some really nice orange jumpsuits for Lindsay Lohan.

For the Jackass crew, I cloned Ryan Dunn and created a new human being in his likeness who I have named "Brian Dunn", and he is rapidly growing and will soon be able to participate in reckless shenanigans and work on vehicles.

For Hulk Hogan, I bought him a shirt. He already ripped it in half.

I paid for some comedy classes for Olivia Munn so that she can hopefully be funny someday.

I know a lot of people have some weird problem with Barack Obama being half-white, so I bought his mother 5,000 tanning sessions and a Namibian citizenship, so she can be dark-skinned and African, which technically, would make Obama fully black.

I bought Seth MacFarlane a closet, so he can come out of it.

I bought Seth Green a bunch of Star Wars shit, because he loves that shit.

I purchased Selena Gomez a year's worth of herpes-treatment creme to get rid of those disgusting puss-filled spores that Justin Bieber gave her.

I also gave Justin Bieber a kick in the face, because I know he's been asking for one for a long time.

I didn't know what to get for Iliza Shlesinger, so I just gave her a coupon for 1 session of sexual intercourse with me.

Okay, enough of that. Let's talk about Christmas. Christmas is a [black] magic time of year, when people act like total assholes, those people stand outside of stores ringing bells for hours for menial amounts of money, tons of pine trees are mercilessly slaughtered, and a morbidly obese elf-man with levitating cervidae fly to every single house within the span of 12 hours to deliver gifts to all the little good girls and boys, little suspecting that their families already bought them shit. All of Santa's toys are manufactured by elf slave-labor and Santa Claus is a slave-master, and he must be stopped.

Also, Jesus was born? Oh, yeah - Christmas haters love to clamor on about how Christmas used to be a pagan holiday, but can't actually put their finger on exactly what that holiday was. Was it the The Winter Festival of Death, where the pagans would cut themselves around a giant bonfire and sacrificing their young virgin females to the giant wild-boar-god, Poom-Baw? Or perhaps the Scandinavian Yule, which was not actually a precursor to Christmas, and was eventually replaced with Christmas by King Haakon I of Sveden, who ruled with an iron fist, and drank the blood of his enemies from a goblet carved out of granite.

So yeah, who knows. All this "separation of church and state vs this nation is christian" rubbish just needs to be slam-dunked into the nearest trash bin. Just shut up and enjoy the goddamn holiday already!