Groundhog Attacks; President Declares State of Emergency

Today was a terrifying and perhaps one of the most important days in history, one we will not soon forget. The official Groundhog Day groundhog unleashed his wrath on many of the eastern seaboard's major cities, virtually leveling some cities, such as Newark, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Annapolis, Hoboken, and many parts of New York. At 11:39 EST, the Groundhog unexpectedly turned on it's handlers and vaporized them with it's powerful obliteration ray that shot forth from it's eyes. It is unclear how the Groundhog developed the ability to perform a projection of directed energy as a weapon, but the fact remains: it happened and we're in the middle of the worst crisis the nation has ever faced.

Hours after the Groundhog's first strike, President Obama declared a state of emergency, and briefly addressed the news corps, who were eagerly awaiting news in the midst of the chaos and fear. "We must evacuate the Capital." the President declared, "The Groundhog is on his way here, and as of yet, we have no immediate means of responding to this type of crisis. I have been on the phone with our law enforcement officials, who have been absolutely heroic but overwhelmed by the destruction left in the wake of this abomination of a furry woodland creature. We are considering a military strike to nullify the Groundhog, but we are working to only use such measures as a last resort." and he quickly was shuffled away by Secret Service agents who informed him that the Groundhog was close by.

Republican leaders were quick to criticize the President's response. Senator Lindsay Graham (R) said, "I would have immediately called up the Air Force and said 'let's bomb this thing.'". Critics of the Obama Administration also called on the President to resign, with Sean Hannity of Fox News saying "This treatment of the Groundhog by the President is disgraceful and shameful. We should've taken it out with a missile. Mr. Obama should resign and apologize to the American people." The Obama Administration issued a statement, saying "We are working tirelessly to nullify the Groundhog situation, and we are personally appalled by politicians and media figures using this tragedy to gain ratings and political points. The President has pledged to put an end to the Groundhog and introduce legislation that will address the Groundhog issue in the future."

The Groundhog also gave a statement, saying in his Darth-Vaderesque voice, "Winter may last only six more weeks, but the Hell I will bring to this world will be eternal." although hours later, a spokesperson for the Groundhog seemed to retract this statement, claiming that the Groundhog "Misspoke and did not mean to offend anyone."

Bill Murray Caught In Time Loop

Earlier today, veteran actor Bill Murray, who has starred in many critically-acclaimed films, became caught in a "time-loop", a re-occurring day that simply will not pass until you've lived it correctly. Scientists are unable to pinpoint a cause for this phenomenon, but physicists at the University of Berkeley have theorized that Quantum Mechanics may play some roll. Dr. Mahib Kasthurirangan, a specialist in theoretical particle physics explained, "What Mr. Murray experienced earlier today is what we might call a time-loop, but more accurately, a time-space-loop, since space and time are intertwined. This is what we call a 'Quantum liability', where the particle acceleration rate slows to where it is nearly stopped, which is non-perceptable to any human orifices, but drops the probability of say, a single nanosecond passing, to absolute zero, ergo, space and matter stay in place, but the human mind perceives this as a repeating day many times over in space of a fraction of a second until the mind 'resolves' the crisis, which can have a huge impact on the psyche of the subject, sometimes altering their entire personalities. This has been known at times to even happen when someone is struck by lightning, and it is possible that such a mechanism could be triggered by highly-charged electrodes, and in some cases, has been known to cause humans and nearby dogs to 'switch bodies'."

Mr. Murray appears to be in good health and spirits, saying "I feel great. I really do. I've spent a lot of time stuck on this day happening over and over again, and I'm going to kind of miss it." Doctors have been reluctant to release Mr. Murray from his padded cell still, citing that Murray's recent incident has driven him into a 'spiral of madness' where he has yelled out in an unknown language and has attempted to smear feces on himself and the room he was housed in. Murray denies any kind of mental incapacity, saying "I'm just fine, really. These guys really don't know how to take a joke. I'm the kind of guy who likes to have fun sometimes and if people get it, great, but if they don't, don't lock me up for it, sheesh."