Twitter's Jack Dorsey: Nazi!? SCANDAL!

Sieg Heil indeed

Last Thursday, Twitter, in an effort to keep their stock price down, banned a bunch of users of the website for identifying as "alt-right". The alt-right is a relatively new phenomenon to the internet: This most recent election was divisive, not just with Democrats vs. Republicans, but also among right-wingers themselves. For example, the typical right-winger just wants to own a gun, and to have a smaller, more fiscally-responsible government, except when they need help with money. The alt-right, however, embraces their body-pillow waifus while posting dank rare Pepe memes on /pol/ while debating whether or not traps are gay or not. Fun fact: traps are gay. The alt-right loves Donald Trump, Taylor Swift, and original Ghostbusters.

All of these things are dangerous to a free-speech forum. When other members of the site are afraid to speak out because they might get "doge-piled" (When a bunch of alt-right members post rare Pepes and smug anime in massive doses that the casual user is unaccustomed to. I'm talking like 15 notifications.) and might even get turned into a meme if they scream incoherently in a video. It's the same tactics used by Hitler's SS agents, who would purge the Nazi Party's political enemies through frog-based telecommunications inside-jokes. The severity of the situation has caused many concerned parties to leave Twitter in fear. A rabbi agreed to be interviewed by JCG, and when we asked why he left Twitter, he sadly replied, "I have never used Twitter. I don't know why anyone uses Twitter. Even the name 'Twitter' is obtuse. Are their users twits? Anyhow, I think people saying [The Jewish People] control everything is absurd and disturbing, but I dunno. Just put your damn phones down. Then you don't have to read it. Also, we don't control everything. Vietnamese ladies have a total monopoly on the manicure industry."

Truly horrifying.

Earlier today, Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twatter.com, was seen being greeted by pedestrians. He raised his arm and showed a Nazi salute, a clear indication that he has secretly sworn allegiance to the Third Reich. This leads us to a horrifying conclusion: what if the alt-right aren't Nazis, but just like trolling and looking at loli porn (not that I know what that is), and Jack Dorsey is the Nazi fuhrer overseeing the iron blue eagle of Twitter. 

It is against JCG policy to declare someone to be literally Hitler, but Jack Dorsey is literally Hitler, our sources confirm. His totalitarian reign over squashing opinions may only be the tip of the penis I mean iceberg. It is 80-90% likely that he plans to exterminate the Jewish race, and doesn't want the alt-right to alert the Jewish Community by posting Nazi-themed Pepes and Anime. Or Harambe. When we at JCG look deeply into Dorsey's shimmer, blue, Aryan eyes -- filled with hatred -- we can only recoil in horror when we learned that Hitler probably escaped Nazi Germany to Argentina on a U-Boat, and put two and two together... Jack Dorsey is Adolf Hitler. Literally. It's actually him.

Hilarious Naked Donald Trump Statue Appears Around The Nation

Oh, say it's not so! For those of you fortunate enough to have the sense to never imagine Donald Trump nude, a mysterious and heroic artist has decided to taint your memories with his or her brilliantly explicit work. At first you go, "NO." and wince at the sight of it, then you look again, and see something we all suspected: that Donald Trump may have married and divorced and married and divorced and married gorgeous women not for his amazing physique. But what could it be that sways these beautiful ladies into his flabby arms? Could it be his awful, pampered, condescending, smug, racist, sexist, and overbearing personality? Possibly. Or the man just has a huge dick.

OR

OR... OR HE HAS A BOATLOAD OF MONEY. We know he can jerk out a bunch of weird, suit-wearing kids, but somewhere under Donald Trump's extravagant rolls of whale blubber, there lurks a tiny (but busy) phallus with a net worth of "5 billion dollars". The hilarious shock-value of the 'Naked Trump' piece comes from the fact that it's what we all subconsciously imagined, and shows how truly absurd Trump becomes without his expensive suits. He just becomes a poorly-endowed, pear-shaped piece of rubber with a terrible haircut.

For the mystery-artist behind this, we can only say: well-done! This was hilarious and made our day here at the office. Mad props.

Ariana Grande Hates America

"May the United States burn in hell" - Ariana Grande

Pop-star, singer, songwriter, movie star. These are just a few words that describe the incredibly talented and beautiful artist in Ariana Grande. However, when it comes to the land of the free, she has some choice words for America, the beautiful. "Fuck America.", Ariana said in an interview with Misinformation Weekly, "This whole country is trash. It's garbage. I hate all of these disgusting people around me, I hate apple pie, and I hate that goddamn flag."

Critics of Ms. Grande have been cited as being 'offended', and one stated that if she disliked living in the United States so pointedly, that she should "just get the fuck out". Grande scoffed at such a proposition, replying, "Wow, you little fuckers. You don't know me. You don't know my life. I will go ham on your lilly asses. You do not want to see me ascend to my final form and vaporize you. I will throw my fucking chicken McNuggets at you, and if I see you in the streets, I'm slapping the shit out of you."

A spokesperson for Ariana Grande gave a much more muted statement, saying,

"While we understand that some people may be upset by Ms. Grande's words, keep in mind that she has every right to her opinion, and you should respect that. You should also know that she's extremely talented, beautiful, and a great singer, and you're just jealous of her. It's jealous people like you that make the world a horrible place. I hope you drown in shit."

Ariana Grande's fans gave a mixed reaction to Ariana's words:

"What the fuck is this article, this is a fucking lie, take this page down if you're going to lie." - Stacy Hillberg, Colorado Springs, CO

"Ariana did NOT ever say that. She only said she hates how Americans are for being so out-of-control with the amount of junk food they consume and she APOLOGIZED for that, so get over it, you asshole. Ugh, you're the kind of person that makes me hate people." - Alice Hernandez, Colorado Springs, CO

"Uhhhh, no? This didn't happen? You can't just make shit up on the internet. That's pathetic. I bet you're a bald, fat, 40-year-old virgin that lives in your mom's basement. You have nothing in life and that's why you're willing to sit down and TALK SHIT about Ariana." - Fillipe Articuno, Colorado Springs, CO

"Delete your blog." - Jenelle Jackson, Colorado Springs, CO

"wtf ur soooo retarded ariana never said that!!! i wish ppl like u would go away forever!!! this seriously makes me want to cry with how mean ppl are in the world!!!" - Jacob Haroldsmann, Colorado Springs, CO

"Why didn't they let me play Donald Trump? Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump impression is garbage compared to mine. Bitch move, SNL." - Darrell Hammond, Colorado Springs, CO

"This is fucking hilarious! You made my day, dude! :D" - Erin Pearson, Colorado Springs, CO

OMG WTF @ TWITTER & FACEBOOK

Step aside, Selena Gomez. Rizzle Kicks has decreed that Carly Rae Jepsen should "totally" begin a formal relationship with prepubescent popstar, Justin Bitchface Bieber. This proclamation came as a pleasant surprise to readers of the popular time-wasting website, Twitter.com. Rizzle Kicks also expressed what observers described as a "gleeful ambiance" and "a spectacle of elation" when he spoke about his recommendation to the young popstars, adding, "OMG OMG LOLOLOLOLOL XXXXXXXXXX", but ended by issuing a formal apology to Selena Gomez, as she would be rendered boyfriendless if Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen negotiated a successful relationship in being.

I got this from my actual Facebook account. Relationships are difficult. Sometimes, despite our best attempts at romance, our consciousnesses clash with each other, and when these conflicts become unsolvable, shit hits the fan. So, someone I know went from being in a relationship to "Single" within a matter of seconds, and a few clicks of the mouse. A concerned friend asked what happened, to which the person I know replied, "It's over."

Well, duh.

DUH.

DUH.

Then again, you can't just ask someone a personal question like that and expect them to tell the truth and be like "He wanted to have sex with me through my anus and I absolutely refused to let that happen, and also, we hated each other."

Other world news: Donald Trump calls for Barack Obama to "kiss his ass" - New perfume released that increases the sex appeal of the person wearing it - Study reveals that women who swallow large amounts of semen have increased health benefits - Study was conducted by very lucky male scientists, "It was tough having women giving me oral sex all day, but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make for science." says Dr. P. Jensen - Genocide in Syria MILLIONS DEAD, DEAD BODIES LINE THE STREETS FOR MILES - Experts agree that 'camel toe' is sexy, but only on attractive women.

Rage Against Charlie Sheen

Yes.

February was a boring and heavily-medicated month for me, but this month has been blowing up with headlines about one man: Charlie effing Sheen. For an intense celebrity-obsessed blogger like myself, I could not physically bring my fingers to resist the urge to type a post about Chuckie Sheen's wild antics, and BLOW THEM WILDLY OUT OF PROPORTION.

First of all, I get Charlie Sheen. He's just like me, except much older, has been in movies, lives on the other side of the country, is a different person, is much richer, owns a car, etc., but we're basically the same. I know what's going on in that brain of his. I see through that paper-thin facade. It's pretty obvious to me that Charlie Sheen -- and I am going on the official record as saying this shit -- is doing drugs again.

Is that slander? I don't know. We'll let our high-powered Jewish Lawyerbots battle it out in the streets of Tokyo to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'm just going to throw that out there, cuz it's ma opinion and I'm usually never wrong. This one time, a girl told me she knew Clay Aiken was straight, and I was like "Uh, no, he's gay." and look who's laughing all the way to the gay bank now? Me.

Now look, I know a lot of people are fanz of Charlie Sheen. He has a certain... uh... sheen... to him, and he was on the hilarious-for-awhile-then-gag-inducingly-repetitive hit show Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen as himself almost literally. All he had to do to get into character was show up at the studio and drink a glass of Jack Daniels, and -bam-, Charlie Sheen was ready to get on stage. Due to his personal life being an out of control party of hookers and cocaine (my opinion), he was promptly fired by Donald Trump from the show. Personally, I blame the economy for this layoff, and more importantly, I blame Obama. Damn you, Obama! You spent 800 billion dollars to bail out banks that got us into this mess, but didn't spend one cent to bail out Charlie Sheen. Why? America deserves answers, answers we're not getting, unless we go to protest outside the Black House (Formerly known as the White House) and PROTEST OUR ASSES OFF.

Who can possibly fill the gaping hole that is Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? Here's my opinion. No one. Only Charlie Sheen can show up to work and act in a role which is himself. Rob Lowe cannot show up to the set and be Charlie Sheen. That doesn't work, unless this an alternate dimension that we've stepped over into by warping time and space through a quantum experiment gone horribly wrong, which it's not! Just let the show die. The jokes have all been done to death, and while they were all funny and hilarious at first, IT'S OVER. LET IT GO, CBS, OR WHICHEVER NETWORK OWNS THAT SHOW. IT'S OVER. CAPS.