Twitter's Jack Dorsey: Nazi!? SCANDAL!

Sieg Heil indeed

Last Thursday, Twitter, in an effort to keep their stock price down, banned a bunch of users of the website for identifying as "alt-right". The alt-right is a relatively new phenomenon to the internet: This most recent election was divisive, not just with Democrats vs. Republicans, but also among right-wingers themselves. For example, the typical right-winger just wants to own a gun, and to have a smaller, more fiscally-responsible government, except when they need help with money. The alt-right, however, embraces their body-pillow waifus while posting dank rare Pepe memes on /pol/ while debating whether or not traps are gay or not. Fun fact: traps are gay. The alt-right loves Donald Trump, Taylor Swift, and original Ghostbusters.

All of these things are dangerous to a free-speech forum. When other members of the site are afraid to speak out because they might get "doge-piled" (When a bunch of alt-right members post rare Pepes and smug anime in massive doses that the casual user is unaccustomed to. I'm talking like 15 notifications.) and might even get turned into a meme if they scream incoherently in a video. It's the same tactics used by Hitler's SS agents, who would purge the Nazi Party's political enemies through frog-based telecommunications inside-jokes. The severity of the situation has caused many concerned parties to leave Twitter in fear. A rabbi agreed to be interviewed by JCG, and when we asked why he left Twitter, he sadly replied, "I have never used Twitter. I don't know why anyone uses Twitter. Even the name 'Twitter' is obtuse. Are their users twits? Anyhow, I think people saying [The Jewish People] control everything is absurd and disturbing, but I dunno. Just put your damn phones down. Then you don't have to read it. Also, we don't control everything. Vietnamese ladies have a total monopoly on the manicure industry."

Truly horrifying.

Earlier today, Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twatter.com, was seen being greeted by pedestrians. He raised his arm and showed a Nazi salute, a clear indication that he has secretly sworn allegiance to the Third Reich. This leads us to a horrifying conclusion: what if the alt-right aren't Nazis, but just like trolling and looking at loli porn (not that I know what that is), and Jack Dorsey is the Nazi fuhrer overseeing the iron blue eagle of Twitter. 

It is against JCG policy to declare someone to be literally Hitler, but Jack Dorsey is literally Hitler, our sources confirm. His totalitarian reign over squashing opinions may only be the tip of the penis I mean iceberg. It is 80-90% likely that he plans to exterminate the Jewish race, and doesn't want the alt-right to alert the Jewish Community by posting Nazi-themed Pepes and Anime. Or Harambe. When we at JCG look deeply into Dorsey's shimmer, blue, Aryan eyes -- filled with hatred -- we can only recoil in horror when we learned that Hitler probably escaped Nazi Germany to Argentina on a U-Boat, and put two and two together... Jack Dorsey is Adolf Hitler. Literally. It's actually him.

Guy Jumps From Really High Up

A few days ago, Felix Baumgartner jumped from really, really high up. The world watched for minutes with vague interest as Felix floated down to Earth after freefalling for like 7 hours or something. Before he hit the ground and went splat, he managed to grab his iPhone 4 and tweet the following: "I just jumped out of space. What the fuck did you do with your day?" and updated his Facebook status to "Fuck you all, I'm jumping out of space." while uploading a Youtube vlog he made while free-falling and saying "Hey fuckers, it's Felix. The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, you know, what with this fucking jump out of fucking space at the speed of fucking light. I just jumped out of space and you sad cumwads are stuck on the ground, doing boring things with your life. Look at my life. It is extreme and amazing. Look at your life. It is dull and stupid. You are a living ball of fuck. See ya around, fuckers!" before giving the middle finger and flinging his phone off into the distance, and it landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

So to answer this question, what I did with my day:

- I ate some breakfast
- I keeked your dog
- Went to the grocery store, picked up some eggs and grape juice
- Gave my dog a bath
- Watched "The Voice"
- Ate Chili
- FUCKED FELIX BAUMGARTNER'S MOM

WHAT'S UP FELIX? WHAT'S UP? COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME! SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

OMG WTF @ TWITTER & FACEBOOK

Step aside, Selena Gomez. Rizzle Kicks has decreed that Carly Rae Jepsen should "totally" begin a formal relationship with prepubescent popstar, Justin Bitchface Bieber. This proclamation came as a pleasant surprise to readers of the popular time-wasting website, Twitter.com. Rizzle Kicks also expressed what observers described as a "gleeful ambiance" and "a spectacle of elation" when he spoke about his recommendation to the young popstars, adding, "OMG OMG LOLOLOLOLOL XXXXXXXXXX", but ended by issuing a formal apology to Selena Gomez, as she would be rendered boyfriendless if Justin Bieber and Carly Rae Jepsen negotiated a successful relationship in being.

I got this from my actual Facebook account. Relationships are difficult. Sometimes, despite our best attempts at romance, our consciousnesses clash with each other, and when these conflicts become unsolvable, shit hits the fan. So, someone I know went from being in a relationship to "Single" within a matter of seconds, and a few clicks of the mouse. A concerned friend asked what happened, to which the person I know replied, "It's over."

Well, duh.

DUH.

DUH.

Then again, you can't just ask someone a personal question like that and expect them to tell the truth and be like "He wanted to have sex with me through my anus and I absolutely refused to let that happen, and also, we hated each other."

Other world news: Donald Trump calls for Barack Obama to "kiss his ass" - New perfume released that increases the sex appeal of the person wearing it - Study reveals that women who swallow large amounts of semen have increased health benefits - Study was conducted by very lucky male scientists, "It was tough having women giving me oral sex all day, but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make for science." says Dr. P. Jensen - Genocide in Syria MILLIONS DEAD, DEAD BODIES LINE THE STREETS FOR MILES - Experts agree that 'camel toe' is sexy, but only on attractive women.

LeAnn Rimes is too skinny and needs to eat.

Look at this:











Now look at this:























Now look at this:













Now look at this:





















Do I even need to write anything here? Yes, when your hip bones protrude abnormally far out and you can see your ribs, it's called "abs", love. Amy Paterson, shame on you. SHAME. Now Leann has to run the talk-show gauntlet to tell all the hosts she can that she's not anorexic. In the before-and-after pictures, you can clearly see she's wearing strips across, which makes her APPEAR heavier. In the second picture, she's wearing blue, which makes you look anorexic. So please, people, Leann Rimes is healthy as... as... fuck! So leave her alone, or else I will come to your house, and have a polite but firm conversation with you on how your words are hurtful.