Guy Jumps From Really High Up

A few days ago, Felix Baumgartner jumped from really, really high up. The world watched for minutes with vague interest as Felix floated down to Earth after freefalling for like 7 hours or something. Before he hit the ground and went splat, he managed to grab his iPhone 4 and tweet the following: "I just jumped out of space. What the fuck did you do with your day?" and updated his Facebook status to "Fuck you all, I'm jumping out of space." while uploading a Youtube vlog he made while free-falling and saying "Hey fuckers, it's Felix. The last couple of days have been pretty hectic, you know, what with this fucking jump out of fucking space at the speed of fucking light. I just jumped out of space and you sad cumwads are stuck on the ground, doing boring things with your life. Look at my life. It is extreme and amazing. Look at your life. It is dull and stupid. You are a living ball of fuck. See ya around, fuckers!" before giving the middle finger and flinging his phone off into the distance, and it landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. 

So to answer this question, what I did with my day:

- I ate some breakfast
- I keeked your dog
- Went to the grocery store, picked up some eggs and grape juice
- Gave my dog a bath
- Watched "The Voice"
- Ate Chili
- FUCKED FELIX BAUMGARTNER'S MOM

WHAT'S UP FELIX? WHAT'S UP? COME AT ME BRO, COME AT ME! SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: JESSICA FUCKING WILLIAMS

 THIS POST IS WAY LONG OVERDUE BECAUSE IT JUST IS OKAY? OUR NEXT INSTALLMENT OF OUR EVER-MORE-DUBIOUSLY-NAMED SERIES, HOT GIRL OF DA WEEK FOCUSES ON JESSICA WILLIAMS. SHE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO "THE DAILY SHOW", INCLUDING JON STEWART, OR BEEF STEW, AS HE IS KNOWN. JESSICA WILLIAMS IS A COMEDIENNETTE WHO WAS SENT BY THE GODS OF COMEDY AND HER BODY AND MIND WERE CARVED OUT OF THE MOST VALUABLE METALS IN THE UNIVERSE AND ENDOWED WITH THE POWER TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY SEGMENT THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE BY THE DAILY SHOW, INCLUDING ONES IN THE PAST AND FUTURE, AND ONES THAT SHE'S NOT EVEN IN. OLIVIA MUNN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER. IN FACT, SAMANTHA BEE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HER.

Okay, let's calm down here, and get a grip on things. If she ever read this, she'd probably be really creeped out so I need to make sure I add that this is complete a satirical post, and please don't be mad that I left 46 voicemails on your cellphone and keep leaving flowers on your porch even though you told me to stop or you'd call the police. I just think you, Jessica Williams, are amazing. You are funny. You are sexy. You are perfect. You are perfection manifested in the form of a Daily Show correspondent. Oh my God. Screw this, I might as well pour my heart out right here and now. Jessica, I am obsessed with you. I wish I could clone you so there could be more yous to love. I want to have at least 20 children with you after we make sweet love like 9 times a day. I want to buy you a giant Hershey's chocolate bar, and drive by your house like 2 times a day just for a chance of...

...uh...

I think I may have overdone it a little.

If I could give any advice to Jessica Williams, it would be: Damn gurl, u sexy.


 Unfortunately, I do not think me and Jessica would make a good couple, because I'm a Libra and she's some other zodiac thing probably. Also, I'm white. She's black. I know, it's the 2000s and all, but still, what if she doesn't like white guys!? What if she's gone black... that means she'll never go back! My penis won't be large enough, and she'll be like "Is it in yet?" and I'll be like "It's been in for the last 30 seconds." because it's just not of black-man caliber. LIFE IS SO CRUEL. LIFE... IS.... SO... CRUEL... WQ$(RETW#ERJFGIERJGFEIPOEWSDKFJS. OMG JESSICA WILLIAMS PLEASE MARRY ME, YOU ARE THE ONLY WOMAN FOR ME. HONESTLY, I'M NOT EVEN ATTRACTED TO WOMEN ANYMORE... I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU ONLY. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?