Judd Apatow Causes Nuclear War

This is the skyline of the once-great New York City, NY, just days after the release of Judd Apatow's The Interview, which prompted a full-scale nuclear war, killing millions. Minutes after the opening scenes of the movie in theaters, North Korea launched a barrage of intercontinental ballistic missiles armed with nuclear warheads. The Pentagon was phoned by Strategic Air Command and informed of the launch, prompting President Obama to become the first president since Harry S. Truman to launch a nuclear strike. Within hours, a nuclear exchange had occurred and now the nation mourns the loss of many of our major cities, which were instantly obliterated by a toxic mix of totalitarianism and nuclear fission. Badly burned survivors, however, held onto their spirits, with one man, with 3rd-degree burns over 90% of his body and effectively no skin saying, "Would I do it again? Hell yeah. I wasn't going to let some fat Asian dictator from letting me seeing the latest Seth Rogan and James Franco bromance." 

A 37-year-old woman from the recently destroyed city of Chicago, who lost all three of her children during the attack echoed the sentiments of the other victims, saying, "This shows that America does not back down from releasing comedy films. If I survive this radiation poisoning, I'm going to watch the movie two or three more times tomorrow. I think it's what my kids would've wanted."

When asked for a comment, Judd Apatow simply said, "We had to do this out of principle. If we can't even release movies that ridicule other nations' leaders and then brutally murder them on screen, what's next? A rapid slide into an Orwellian nightmare. I, for one, am glad Sony did not back down even though the Japanese-based company had the most to lose by having their homeland under the constant threat of nuclear assault."

The movie, The Interview, starring Seth Rogan and James Franco revolves around the story of Seth Rogan and James Franco laughing a lot and doing lots of borderline homosexual things in the context of a spy-thriller in a contemporary world where there is no legitimate enemy for the United States, seeing as how the Soviet Union is gone and Osama bin Laden is dead. Rogan, in an interview, stated, "Well, the U.S. basically has to go back to square one in terms of enemies. Osama's dead, the Soviet Union has collapsed and the Russia of today is in a perpetual recession, that Libyan guy is gone, Saddam is gone, that Serbian guy is gone, the Venezuelan guy died, so what's left? Vietnam 2? North Korea is an obvious choice, honestly. We know we can kick their ass, but to be perfectly honest, they're just kind of 'there', so why not?" Later, the actor tweeted that he was high when he gave that answer, and to not take it too seriously.

Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un, from the rubble of Pyongyang, declared "We have once again triumphed over imperialism, capitalism, the west, and comedy cinema." to a volleyball he has named 'Wilson', as a majority of his followers are now burning corpses. His declaration was heard by exactly no one because the only radio tower was bombed into rubble, instantly blacking out every radio and television. Nevertheless, the defiant leader continues to insist he is in control of a vibrant nation, giving orders to burnt skeletons, and to military units that have ceased to exist. In fact, the standing strength of North Korea's armed forces stands at a meager three soldiers, who are hiding under a burning tank, wielding bayonets and are refusing to come out and surrender. When western journalists initially approached, the soldiers threatened to shoot, until it became painfully obvious that they had no bullets left, and only then they agreed to give a short statement, declaring, "We are prepared to fight to the end for our dear leader, and the capitalist dog Judd Apatow. We condemn Seth Rogan and James Franco's bromance, because it's getting kind of weird now, kind of like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. We will not stop fighting until every copy of The Interview has been scorched in the furnaces of our fury."

There is no word yet on whether or not they realize that destroying hard copies of the movie won't eliminate file-sharing capabilities that makes it fucking impossible to erase any memory of its existence.

NASA announces 100 billion-dollar project to send Justin Bieber to the sun

Last Tuesday, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or NASA, finalized a plan to send pop-singer Justin Bieber directly into the Solar System's gravitational center: The Sun. "This is an initiative I beliebe people will embrace and support." A spokesperson for NASA commented, "When I saw Lance Armstrong set foot on the moon for the first time in 1967, I knew that as a kid, I wanted to become an astronaut, but I ended up becoming a spokesperson instead. Fuck."

President Obama has signed the budgetary allocation for the project to get underway and is optimistic about its impact on humans' renewed inspiration to explore the stars, or in this case, a single star. "America is a patriotic, eagle-loving, Christian, apple-pie, English-speaking, freedom-loving nation with a rich tradition of spending enormous sums of money we do not have, and will never be able to pay back on frivolous, but extraordinary projects, and that is one of the things that brings people together and makes this nation great. God bless America, and not the Muslim God. The Christian one." President Obama stated during a press conference he held to prove he was just a non-threatening traditional values American, just like you and I. 

Advocates of the project are eager to see the results of the expedition. Dr. Harold Williams, a janitor at McDonald's, stated on his website, nakedthaisluts.com, "This has serious scientific implications for which I am excited to see. What will happen if we collide an anti-star with a normal star? Some people think a black hole will spawn and destroy the Solar System. I, for one, would love to see that happen. That'll show my parents what happens when you take away my computer time in the middle of a raid."

Chelsea Bright, a 12-year-old girl, was more pessimistic, stating "Uh, like, won't he die if he goes to the sun? This better be a joke, and even if it is, it's not very funny. You need to stop hating on Justin because you're jealous of his success." However, sources close to Chelsea say that she is hating on Stephanie because Chelsea has a crush on Ryan, but Stephanie seems to be getting more attention from Ryan.

Even major news outlets were enthusiastic about the expedition, with NBC News With Brian Williams ending the newscast with this statement from Brian Williams himself: "And on a positive note, we will end the evening with some inspiring news. By 2020, we will send Justin Bieber to the sun, and the mere heat from the outer atmosphere will likely vaporize him instantly. His music was really bad, so fuck him. Goodnight."

Groundhog Attacks; President Declares State of Emergency

Today was a terrifying and perhaps one of the most important days in history, one we will not soon forget. The official Groundhog Day groundhog unleashed his wrath on many of the eastern seaboard's major cities, virtually leveling some cities, such as Newark, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Annapolis, Hoboken, and many parts of New York. At 11:39 EST, the Groundhog unexpectedly turned on it's handlers and vaporized them with it's powerful obliteration ray that shot forth from it's eyes. It is unclear how the Groundhog developed the ability to perform a projection of directed energy as a weapon, but the fact remains: it happened and we're in the middle of the worst crisis the nation has ever faced.

Hours after the Groundhog's first strike, President Obama declared a state of emergency, and briefly addressed the news corps, who were eagerly awaiting news in the midst of the chaos and fear. "We must evacuate the Capital." the President declared, "The Groundhog is on his way here, and as of yet, we have no immediate means of responding to this type of crisis. I have been on the phone with our law enforcement officials, who have been absolutely heroic but overwhelmed by the destruction left in the wake of this abomination of a furry woodland creature. We are considering a military strike to nullify the Groundhog, but we are working to only use such measures as a last resort." and he quickly was shuffled away by Secret Service agents who informed him that the Groundhog was close by.

Republican leaders were quick to criticize the President's response. Senator Lindsay Graham (R) said, "I would have immediately called up the Air Force and said 'let's bomb this thing.'". Critics of the Obama Administration also called on the President to resign, with Sean Hannity of Fox News saying "This treatment of the Groundhog by the President is disgraceful and shameful. We should've taken it out with a missile. Mr. Obama should resign and apologize to the American people." The Obama Administration issued a statement, saying "We are working tirelessly to nullify the Groundhog situation, and we are personally appalled by politicians and media figures using this tragedy to gain ratings and political points. The President has pledged to put an end to the Groundhog and introduce legislation that will address the Groundhog issue in the future."

The Groundhog also gave a statement, saying in his Darth-Vaderesque voice, "Winter may last only six more weeks, but the Hell I will bring to this world will be eternal." although hours later, a spokesperson for the Groundhog seemed to retract this statement, claiming that the Groundhog "Misspoke and did not mean to offend anyone."

Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

Disney Airs 6 Minutes of Hardcore Porn During 'Lilo & Stitch' For No Explanable Reason

North Carolina - It was a pleasant evening with a blue sky, and a triple rainbow in the sky. Birds were singing and butterflies were flapping their wings in the wind. The temperature was very pleasant and it was the perfect day for Georgie Brown and her unknown number of children, until DISASTER STRUCK. About half-way into a recorded movie of Disney's Lilo & Stitch, everything went to Hell. During one of the most loving and good-spirited Disney movies of all-time, yo, 6 minutes of hardcore pornography splashed onto the screen, leaving Brown's children to sit and stare at a couple doing horrible, horrible (but totally natural) things.

Despite President Obama's pleas for peace, several radical underground groups have begun burning pictures of Walt Disney in the streets, and their bearded leaders have vowed "Massive retaliation that will leave the infidels as a mere memory to be torn from the pages of the history books, which will also be burned." Governor Mitt Romney has already weighed in on the matter, saying "I think the President has been very weak on the Disney crisis, and that ICBMs with thermonuclear warheads should absolutely be utilized in this instance to rain death from above on all those who dare oppose American exceptionalism." 

Meanwhile, Georgie Brown, as seen above with Lilo & Stitch in the background just to be condescending to all of you idiots, is demanding answers, and she will not stop until she gets them. Some sources say that she has even used extremist language of violence, such as "This is pretty unacceptable." and "How did this even happen? This makes no sense." Disney claims that they have no idea what happened, the satellite television provider also has stated: "This is literally impossible. We just have no idea how this could have happened, and none of our employees are the least bit disgruntled or perfidious enough to attempt an anonymous prank, because the local manager most certainly does not verbally abuse them at all, ever."

Officially, nobody knows anything about anything, but experts agree that this situation, although completely unacceptable, is still pretty fucking funny.

Kristen and Robert's Tension Rise; Team Edward Loses Ground

Word has it that America's least-beloved couple, Kristin Stewart, who is incapable of human emotions other than "boredom" and "disgust", and Robert Patterson, who is some random white kid, have a whirlwind romance that is on the rocks. The couple reportedly "doesn't give a shit", much to the dismay of Twilight, in which both Stewart and Patterson are actors. That's right. The whole damn series as an entity is upset about this. DVDs are suddenly developing consciousness, and anthropomorphic mouths that have communicated to the public and to our news sources that they want "Those two to just work things out." A poster for the latest Twilight movie (I don't know what it's called, but it's probably something like "Solar Equinox" or "Quarter Moon") reportedly came to life momentarily, and the image of Bella Swan, an unpopular character from the series played by Kristin Stewart, shed a single tear of what can only be described as "contrived sadness". 

This news of a rift between Kristin Stewart and Edward Cullen Robert Patterson has come as great news to Team Jacob, a group of Lycan-supporting zealots who seek to see Kristin Stewart's Bella Swan fall in love with a certain werewolf named Jacob. I hate to editorialize at times like these, but I personally think werewolves are like, awesome, because they're wolfs. All Edward does is turn into a bat at night, and uses his supersonic echo-radar to hunt insects, whereas Jacob turns into a wolf and eats elk, wild boars and even his own body and then saying "Chaos... REIGNS" to Willem DaFoe right before his evil wife smashes his nuts with a sledgehammer. That's pretty awesome right there. All I can say is this: do not despair, citizens of America. The power of love never prevails in Hollywood, which is a bottomless pit of soul-sucking godlessness that has a never-ending unquenchable thirst for ruining relationships. Personally, I blame Obama.

(Picture by some website, but I cannot read the damn watermark because it's too small and the letters are all garbled, so thanks to them.)

Rage Against Charlie Sheen

Yes.

February was a boring and heavily-medicated month for me, but this month has been blowing up with headlines about one man: Charlie effing Sheen. For an intense celebrity-obsessed blogger like myself, I could not physically bring my fingers to resist the urge to type a post about Chuckie Sheen's wild antics, and BLOW THEM WILDLY OUT OF PROPORTION.

First of all, I get Charlie Sheen. He's just like me, except much older, has been in movies, lives on the other side of the country, is a different person, is much richer, owns a car, etc., but we're basically the same. I know what's going on in that brain of his. I see through that paper-thin facade. It's pretty obvious to me that Charlie Sheen -- and I am going on the official record as saying this shit -- is doing drugs again.

Is that slander? I don't know. We'll let our high-powered Jewish Lawyerbots battle it out in the streets of Tokyo to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'm just going to throw that out there, cuz it's ma opinion and I'm usually never wrong. This one time, a girl told me she knew Clay Aiken was straight, and I was like "Uh, no, he's gay." and look who's laughing all the way to the gay bank now? Me.

Now look, I know a lot of people are fanz of Charlie Sheen. He has a certain... uh... sheen... to him, and he was on the hilarious-for-awhile-then-gag-inducingly-repetitive hit show Two and a Half Men, starring Charlie Sheen as himself almost literally. All he had to do to get into character was show up at the studio and drink a glass of Jack Daniels, and -bam-, Charlie Sheen was ready to get on stage. Due to his personal life being an out of control party of hookers and cocaine (my opinion), he was promptly fired by Donald Trump from the show. Personally, I blame the economy for this layoff, and more importantly, I blame Obama. Damn you, Obama! You spent 800 billion dollars to bail out banks that got us into this mess, but didn't spend one cent to bail out Charlie Sheen. Why? America deserves answers, answers we're not getting, unless we go to protest outside the Black House (Formerly known as the White House) and PROTEST OUR ASSES OFF.

Who can possibly fill the gaping hole that is Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? Here's my opinion. No one. Only Charlie Sheen can show up to work and act in a role which is himself. Rob Lowe cannot show up to the set and be Charlie Sheen. That doesn't work, unless this an alternate dimension that we've stepped over into by warping time and space through a quantum experiment gone horribly wrong, which it's not! Just let the show die. The jokes have all been done to death, and while they were all funny and hilarious at first, IT'S OVER. LET IT GO, CBS, OR WHICHEVER NETWORK OWNS THAT SHOW. IT'S OVER. CAPS.

2010: A Look Backwards

2010 was an amazing year.

Amazingly bad. I can't wait for 2012 to get here so we can meet the Lizard-People of Planet X. This year was boring as Hell. Once again, the truth about extraterrestrial life was not revealed, even with Wikileaks and President Obama's pledge for government transparency. I know we can't be the only forms of intelligent life in the universe, because if we were, how did Stone Henge happen? Case closed. I know some people might say that the odds of life evolving from simple cell organisms into advanced civilizations capable of intergalactic travel are like a trillion to one, I always tell them that it's also extremely unlikely that a person would be attacked by a grizzly bear and a polar bear on the same day, but that happens all the time.

Furthermore, Alison Angel's wikipedia page was deleted by Jimmy Wales. He personally went to the Alison Angel page and hit "delete" because he was raging because that Fox News girl dumped him after selling his dick pix to Glenn Beck. Then Jimmy Wales has the GALL to post:

PLEASE READ: AN URGENT APPEAL FROM WIKIPEDIA FOUNDER JIMMY WALES

Readers of Wikimedia, I need 16 million dollars.

I understand that this is a large sum of money, but this Porsche isn't going to pay for itself, unless of course, I find an entrance to an alternative reality in my coat closet in which cars can come to life and work for their masters working in the barley fields.

If everyone just donated a little bit of money, maybe 5, 10, 25, 50, 100, 200, 500, 8000, 1000000 dollars, then that would be just dandy. Remember, Wikipedia is made up of unpaid and undocumented workers, and our servers are dirt cheap to maintain, but I still need a massive sum of money for some unexplained reason.

When I started Wikipedia, I was inspired by Maddox (Whose page I read frequently) not to put ads on Wikipedia, which created a dilemma of how I was going to pay off my gambling debt owed to dangerous Yakuza leaders.

It's not that I think commerce is bad, and that advertising is evil, I just think it's really annoying, especially those "kill the spider" ads, where I try to kill the spider, but then it clicks me into a window that says I can win 10 lbs of free lobster if I fill out a form, because then I fill out the form, and then it takes me to another form and I never get any lobster.

Wikipedia is something special. It is a saint-like ivory tower of information, supplying unbelievably accurate and reliable information to poor and impoverished third-world children who spend nights awake because they don't know who the lead singer of Seven Dust is, or the size of Zambia's air force, or whatever. What we do makes the world a better place, which makes Wikipedia something you are morally obligated to support.

So do it.

To avoid posting ads on our beautiful website, send us da money. Because Wikipedia was created by a community of hard-working individuals, they should also not only work hard on providing excellent information, but should also pay to do it. Specifically, they should pay me for the privilege of editing my website. This year, please consider making a donation, and if you don't want to, then don't be surprised if The Good Lord sends mudslides and locusts unto you.

Hm, here's my answer to that:

Dear Jimmy Wales,

Yo, Jimmy, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy, I heard your girlfriend's pregnant, how far along is she? Yo, I really meant to donate some bread, but then I read some of the shit you said. Something on your website about needing cash, and I was about to send some shit, but thought that might be a bit rash. I thought to myself that this money would be better spent on me, and that I could still continue to surf Wikipedia for free. I know you'll forgive me because you're a nice guy and not a prick, because some people who demand donations can end up behaving like a stupid dick, in fact, I heard this one news story a couple weeks ago that just made me sick... this dude asks for mils from his fans and used the money to take a vacation to China and have sex with reporters from Fox News, and then he fell off a cliff, but left a message to his readers but it didn't really say who it was to... come to think of it...

his name was you.

damn.


The big story this year, of course, is that Falstad Wildhammer is alive. I know, it seemed that he was certainly dead, but then we all watched in awe, reminiscent of when Baby Jessica was lifted from the well, as we all clutched our living room sofas, eyes locked onto the liquid-crystal pixels of our gigantic flat-screen televisions as we remembered the fragility of life, but then were moved to tears at the miraculous miracle we witnessed unfolding before our cynically Thomas-the-disciple-like unbelieving eyes. Not only did Falstad Wildhammer survive the Day of The Dragon, but he went on to become the leader of Aerie Peak and Vanilla Wow through Wrath of The Lich King.

-turns to the other camera-

Yes, Mr. President, you characteristically made implausibly unrealistic promises that piqued the inner-optimist hiding in the metaphorical closet in our minds, which you subsequently failed to deliver like a lethargic Pizza-delivery minion, whose vehicular mode of transportation encountered a single thumb-tack of utter disruption, ergo, releasing the necessary and vital air pressure that allows the tires to fulfill their sacred duty of facilitating the internal-combustion-engine-powered carriage's mobility, thus disrupting the delivery of that age-old Italian dish that tantalizes our taste buds, and fills our dreams with wonder, as his once-reliable truck careened violently into an anti-serendipitously-placed ditch, and then off a cliff, and exploded into a mushroom cloud upon making the sickening impact with the bottom.

-turn to the other camera-

The other big news story, that everyone talked about was that gosh darn weather, eh.















Look at that... knocked that tree straight down. Pretty crazy. Me neighbors said they had a bunch of branches in their yard, and I believe it. Me cousin Patty heard the wind and says to me "Aye, it's a bit windy, eh?" and I says to 'er "Aye, it is for sure."

This event will no doubt be recorded as one of the most infamous events in human history.


In closing, 2010 changed us all, but it also changed a digit on a giant arbitrary measurement of time which may be off because the Gregorian Calendar was written by the uneducated peasants of the Dark Ages. They simply did not want to have their head cut off by their Baron, and they had a very weak understanding astrophysical mathematics. Anyhow, this year, we all looked deep inside of ourselves for understanding, and courage. We did things that we did not think we could do. We laughed, we cried, we were afraid, and we endured. We made mistakes and learned, and overcame obstacles. Most importantly, though, we did a lot of general human behavior, which I've briefly summarized here.

Goodnight, and good luck.

Some Hot Hot Election Action

Time to put away the stale Halloween candy, because it's blogging time.





















Ladies and Gentlemen, recently, in boring politics news, America held it's mid-term elections, which were filled with a galore of stuffy upper-class drama. I know, Randy Quaid is going to court and is trying to flee to Canada, Charlie Sheen killed a hooker, and Snooki's top got half ripped-off in a drunken club fight, but I believe being a good journalist involves covering boring stories, especially political ones.

First of all: America, you did it. You stood up with one voice, and said "No, we can't." and I applaud that sort of random defiance. Tea-Partiers, you did it. Your Hitler-mustachioed posters have turned the tide of Obamostalinism sending Grandma to the death factories to be ground into hamburger just because she's a non-productive person who complains whenever I change the channel, but then criticizes everything about the show we're watching while smoking her damn cigarette.

In seriousness, though, our nation was in a fairly bad state before, but now America is going to get what it wants: a tax cut for the top 1% of the population, who already dodge taxes 24/7 by hiding all their money in secret Swiss accounts. If that doesn't bring the 90s back, I don't know what will.


First, in Christine O'Donnell's race, the Tea Party was hoping to snipe a predominantly Communist state of Delaware, however, Christine O'Donnell (Who is most certainly not a witch), was massacred by Chris Coons, who lives in a cage in Harry Reid's basement. Harry Reid keeps him alive by throwing him large amounts of raw meat. Despite a rallying wave of Tea Partying, O'Donnell could not secure the grape state of Delaware, and had to deliver what had to be the weirdest concession speech I've ever heard, which started off by her announcing "We have won!", and then reading a list of demands for Chris Coons to follow.




In Harry Reid news, the embattled Senate Majority Leader was expected to be raped by Sharrron Angle, the Tea Party favorite in Nevada. Reid, significantly down in the polls, largely due to the very high unemployment in his state, and unable to rally his constituency by way of sheer candor and charisma (as he has neither), employed an age-old political strategy: Just sitting there doing nothing while his opponent says stuff that's just nuts. Indeed, Sharron Angle's apparent list of off-color comments led voters to believe that she'd probably be worse than the leadership of the man who oversaw the worst unemployment in the state's history. When informed of her apparent loss for the Nevada senatoral race, Sharron Angle said "Zip zap zoop!" and flew off to the land of orange zebras.







One of the most high-profile Governator races was for the executive position in Colifornia. This unexciting horse race took place between the perpetually-running-for-governor Jerry Brown, and Meg Whitman, a CEO of e-Bay, a web-based auction where foreigners trick Americans into sending them money, then deleting their e-bay accounts without sending anything. Whitman failed to secure this election, despite having spent an approximate 1,000,000,000,000 dollars on her campaign. In a rage, she withdrew to her Lombardy estate, where she is currently brooding how unfair life is.





Speaking of voteration in Governor races, Emperor Palpatine's evil twin, Carl Paladino, while not a Tea-Party darling, appeared to have a remote chance of winning New Yawk's gubernatorial race. It all began with him sending donkey-show porn to his staff members, which convinced many New Yorkers that he might be cool enough to consider voting for. However, he was still behind in the polls, and suddenly, the plot thickened when Fred Dicker of The New Yorker and Carl Paladino had a Dragonball Z style confrontation where they just powered up for like 2 episodes while talking a ton of trash. Paladino was invited onto Fox News, where he explained that the confrontation took place because the media was out to get him, because the media backed the establishment, which made sense on paper until you realize that The New Yorker and Fox News are both owned by Rupert Murdoch, who supports Republicans like Paladino! Secret illuminati plot!

P.S. - Paladino lost lol



Like Harry Reid, Speaker O' The House, Nancy Pelosi was facing an uphill battle to be re-elected, but uh, she won, so no biggie. However, due the utter Republican pwnage in the House of Representatives, Democrats are now a minority, so Pelosi's position as Speaker Of The House is now in question, as the party with a majority of seats gets to do the speaking for The House. It is not yet known if she will step down as Speaker Of The House, or hole up in a cabin with a shotgun in a stand-off with cops in a last-gasp attempt to hold onto the position. It is speculated that if such a scenario should unfold, she will probably be sniped by Lon Horiuchi. The authorities would then storm the cabin and retrieve the Speaker Of The House position, and hand it to John Boehner (Whose last name is pronounced 'Boner', which is appropriate, because he has one right now, out of sheer excitement) although it is highly unlikely that this will happen.




I know there were a lot more races, like Rand Paul's important pick up of Kentucky, and Joe Manchin's wtf-win in West Virginia, but it's late, and the candy buzz is starting to wear off. I would like to congratulate The Republicans on their uberpwnage, and I know all the Conservatives have really intense boners right now. If anything, this election signifies that the agenda of President Obama sounds really muslimy to a lot of people, and it really pisses them off. This election just goes to show that if you regulate corporations, they will spend a ton of money to make you look like a douchebag to the American people, and indeed they did, so once again, Democracy prevails.

So take that, Castro.