Twitter's Jack Dorsey: Nazi!? SCANDAL!

Sieg Heil indeed

Last Thursday, Twitter, in an effort to keep their stock price down, banned a bunch of users of the website for identifying as "alt-right". The alt-right is a relatively new phenomenon to the internet: This most recent election was divisive, not just with Democrats vs. Republicans, but also among right-wingers themselves. For example, the typical right-winger just wants to own a gun, and to have a smaller, more fiscally-responsible government, except when they need help with money. The alt-right, however, embraces their body-pillow waifus while posting dank rare Pepe memes on /pol/ while debating whether or not traps are gay or not. Fun fact: traps are gay. The alt-right loves Donald Trump, Taylor Swift, and original Ghostbusters.

All of these things are dangerous to a free-speech forum. When other members of the site are afraid to speak out because they might get "doge-piled" (When a bunch of alt-right members post rare Pepes and smug anime in massive doses that the casual user is unaccustomed to. I'm talking like 15 notifications.) and might even get turned into a meme if they scream incoherently in a video. It's the same tactics used by Hitler's SS agents, who would purge the Nazi Party's political enemies through frog-based telecommunications inside-jokes. The severity of the situation has caused many concerned parties to leave Twitter in fear. A rabbi agreed to be interviewed by JCG, and when we asked why he left Twitter, he sadly replied, "I have never used Twitter. I don't know why anyone uses Twitter. Even the name 'Twitter' is obtuse. Are their users twits? Anyhow, I think people saying [The Jewish People] control everything is absurd and disturbing, but I dunno. Just put your damn phones down. Then you don't have to read it. Also, we don't control everything. Vietnamese ladies have a total monopoly on the manicure industry."

Truly horrifying.

Earlier today, Jack Dorsey, CEO of Twatter.com, was seen being greeted by pedestrians. He raised his arm and showed a Nazi salute, a clear indication that he has secretly sworn allegiance to the Third Reich. This leads us to a horrifying conclusion: what if the alt-right aren't Nazis, but just like trolling and looking at loli porn (not that I know what that is), and Jack Dorsey is the Nazi fuhrer overseeing the iron blue eagle of Twitter. 

It is against JCG policy to declare someone to be literally Hitler, but Jack Dorsey is literally Hitler, our sources confirm. His totalitarian reign over squashing opinions may only be the tip of the penis I mean iceberg. It is 80-90% likely that he plans to exterminate the Jewish race, and doesn't want the alt-right to alert the Jewish Community by posting Nazi-themed Pepes and Anime. Or Harambe. When we at JCG look deeply into Dorsey's shimmer, blue, Aryan eyes -- filled with hatred -- we can only recoil in horror when we learned that Hitler probably escaped Nazi Germany to Argentina on a U-Boat, and put two and two together... Jack Dorsey is Adolf Hitler. Literally. It's actually him.

Ben Affleck is Batman now, so is Matt Damon Robin?

amagad u gaiz liek ben afflek is liek t3h worstest actor man in the globe and if he plays batman its gunna ruin batman 4ever. this is literally the worst thing that has ever happened even worse than when that astroid hit da earth and killed all the dinosaurs or when hitler bombed pearl harbot and start ww2!!! this is worse then nuclear war lol jk but im sort of serious n i give t3h new batman movie liek 3 stars out of 10000000000!!! HA HA HA! BEN AFFLECK U SUCK UR THE WORST ACTORS EVER!!!!!

The Pope Quits

"If you will not turn to the dark side, then you will be destroyed" ~ Pope Joey "Eggs" Benedict XVI

Last Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI, the most evil-looking Pope in recent history, handed in his two-week notice. "This job is not for me." Benedict said, "I don't want to spend the best years of my life working as a Pope. I'm really hoping to get back in school and get a degree in photography like I always wanted to do."

The supreme Catholic leader spent several years living in a gigantic golden palace while spending much of his time urging the poor to give money to The Lord, after taking the place of the late John Paul II, who overthrew the Soviet Union with the help of Ronald Reagan and David Hasselhoff in 1991. John Paul II died when he drank too many "5-Hour Energy" drinks, which apparently, are lethal if you drink more than five of them. The Catholic Chuuuch tapped into Joseph Ratzinger, a former Nazi scientist that worked on Hitler's secret fortress, Castle Wolfenstein, to become the next Pope. Many Catholics were unsure of how to receive the new Pope. Billy Brien, a dock worker in Boston, and Catholic, said "Ay, if you ask me, Popes are a bunch of fuckin' bullshit. I want a fuckin' Pope that I can have a fuckin' drink with, maybe hit up the titty bar or somethin'. That'd be one cool fuckin' Pope." then he dropped his cigarette and stamped it out before returning to work.

The Catholic Church has expressed interest in having Lady Gaga become the next Pope, which they hope will make the Papacy "More hip, more current, more edgy. Just what we need to get more kids into Catholicism. We need kids to do the Lord's work, because kids are the future and they are little cuties. Shit, I've said too much." 

Benedict XVI resigned after saying out loud "What's the big deal? Kids have orifices just like any other human being. If they want to have sex with an adult, that should be fine." while his microphone was still on backstage at the BET Music Video Awards, after handing out an award trophy to rapper Waka Flocka Flame.

Insane Anti-Justin Bieber Post

Or is it the greatest expression of sanity?

A portrait of Justin Bieber, who has become the most reviled human being in the world.

I want to be fair. So I will. I used to respect Ludacris, until he appeared in Fred Claus and collaborated with Justin Bieber, and now I'm setting autographed copies of Chicken N Beer on fire in my front yard despite warnings from the city zoning commission to stop. I know Justin is just a kid, and doesn't deserve such bitter resentment, personal hatred, death threats, and unwarranted slander, but I think you should know when to say when, even if you're just a kid. How in the holy name of fuck can Justin Bieber think it's prudent to continue his singing career after facing an overwhelming backlash like the world has never seen? How can his parents think it's okay to continue letting Justin Bieber endure a barrage of ad hominem attacks without pulling the plug on the whole operation out of fear that their son will cut his own throat open with a chainsaw out of sheer frustration!? Although many angry, pitch-fork-waving minions of hell will disagree with me, I don't want to see that happen.

Please, Justin, if you happen to read this, I implore you to do the following:

• 1) Please end your music career asaply.
• 2) Tell Usher to fuck off.
• 3) Go into the woods to hunt and eat a wild boar.
• 4) Give one solemn apology to everyone in the world.
• 5) Do not commit suicide or start doing drugs. Remember that life can be awesome even if you're not famous and rich.

And now, the angry Youtube comments. Youtube is a particularly angry community, and even posting something cool can provoke their unwarranted ire. Enjoy:

Just came for my daily dislike.

HatrixTron 13 minutes ago

Thumbs up if u wan Justin Bieber to Die

DarkDevilx3 54 minutes ago

TACTICAL MUTE INCOMING!!!

charmingsparow 1 hour ago

the superdong is displeased with the level of hilarity here

superdong666 3 hours ago

Justin bieber should make a cover of Beyonce's song "If I were a boy".

OctoberRust96 5 hours ago

a typical fan:

i think 2 come on here and call justin bieber a c*** and want him to die is horrorfying. when my mum took a glimpse of this comment section she nearly cried, because of all of this bullying towards one human being.

get a life u fucking pathetic losers. nobody deserves this shit and i think deep down u all know it.

Joshsgirlxx 8 hours ago

Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.

007tylord 11 hours ago

Why do you insult her?? She's a very beautiful girl...:O

TheCaesar1995 15 hours ago

Pause the video, look at the likes and not likes, and leave.

SuperMegaHallo 17 hours ago

I knew it! Drugs! He's on drugs. That's the only way someone could sing the songs he do and live with it. Drugs or insanity. Had he not used drugs i guess he would have buckled under long ago.

TheLordofNorwegians 22 hours ago

etc.

Now, I'm not going to go "DIE BIEBER U SUCK FUCK U" because that's been done 7 trillion times and is downright tacky and unnecessarily cruel. I'm classy on Thursdays. His music, however, is fair game.

Keep in mind, that I'm not "jealous" of Justin Bieber. Only a dunce could come up with that mental connection; I have no problem with people being successful. Mr. Bieber is actually a marginally decent singer, but the songs that have been penned for him are garbage. Actually, 'garbage' is an understatement because if his songs were materialized, landfills would literally become sentient and reject Bieber's music from their confines for being too filthy to tolerate. The song "Baby" sounds like a combination of an orca having diarrhea while free-falling out of an airplane, a bird hitting a window, nails scratching across a chalkboard, a car running over a baby, a baby screaming in the restaurant while you're trying to just relax and eat a fucking burrito, babies screaming at 3 a.m., and a tech-9 being fired directly into one's ear. Never Say Never makes Ben Stein's intelligent-design documentary look like Hotel Rwanda or something else that's really good.

I rate Justin Bieber's music, albums, youtube channel, and videos all 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000001 out of 1,000,000,000 stars, hereby declare them to be most decadent and horrifying tragedy of the modern era, lower than parasitic worms, more reviled than Nazism, the mother of all trainwrecks when the train skipped off the tracks and somehow slammed into a Boeing 747 in-flight. May God have mercy on all of our souls.

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