Miley Cyrus twerked

So, while I was gone, I guess this happened. Hm.

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

EpicX: One Click for a Roman Orgy! CLICK IT, FAGGOT

Well, it's been a busy last couple of weeks, and right now, I guess I could use a Roman Orgy. Luckily, there's a website that offers Roman Orgies, simply for clicking your computer's mouse a single time. I don't see any downside to that. So I clicked my mouse, thinking I was in for some sexy, steamy tangle of naked humanity, and well, I got the 'steamy tangle of naked humanity' part correct, but it was really gross. It was like 80% hairy dudes, who were all sweaty, and were talking about probably the worst subjects of all time: their highest bowling averages, betting on fantasy football,  that weather, the ethics of cannibalism, string theory, beef jerky, and how much they hated their wives. All while having sex with the few females, who all had oversized implants, way too much make-up, fake blonde hair, fake collagen-filled lips, and there was a creepy cameraman with a mustache wearing a golden chain recording the whole thing.

Goddamn it, EpicX. That was some bullshit right there. I demand an apology, and for you to add a clause to your ads that says: "We at EpicX cannot absolutely guarantee the full quality of your orgy, and are not responsible for your sexual satisfaction." Also, what is this?:

Call of Roma? Roman Orgy? One click? Holy mother of squid pussyfuck. That's the exact same ad as EpicX, and even the girl is the same girl. It's like EpicX took that ad from Call of Roma and put their logo on it. Don't even get me started on this Age of Conan bullshit.

Eminem Is Apparently Playing World of Tanks

(Click to enlarge)

So I saw this ad for "World of Tanks", a massive piece of shit game where you drive a tank and shoot other tanks with your tank, and tanks are just killing each other left and right by shooting each other with their hot tank-cum, and there are tanks humping each other left and right, and the guy tanks are just hitting on the girl tanks. It's just chaos. Now, this guy, "Kurt Knispel" looked familiar, and then it hit me: He's Marshall Mathers. He's just a regular guy, I don't know why all the fuss about him. BUT HE'S KILLING TANKS WHEN HE SHOULD BE KILLING RHYMES.

Look at this picture:

Here we see a very clear picture of Eminem, and what appears to be Tracy Morgan offering what appears to be Lady GaGa a moon-man trophy, even though clearly, neither of them have been to the moon. But look at Em's face. See the resemblance? Maybe?

HOT GIRL OF THE WEEK: BOXXY

 This is going to be the worst best thing I've ever done, period.

In an increasingly inconsistent and poorly-planned manner, Hot Girl of Ze Week marches on, and I present to you one of my favorite hot girls: Catie "Boxxy" Wayne. She catapulted to fame after some random person posted in the "you rage, you lose" thread, in which you have to subject yourself to various annoyances without getting angry for the arbitrary pride of winning. You don't even get a cheap plastic trophy for it. Well, as it so happens, people actually responded positively, and MoldyLunchBoxx's vids caused World War 3. China declared war and mobilized 20,000,000 troops, along with 5,000 vehicles, 500 warships, and deployed 1,200 nuclear-tipped ICBMs. After the destruction was over, Boxxy died, but then came back to life and revealed that the spastic alter-ego "Boxxy" was a ruse, leading us all to axe ourselfs, "Was it all part of a plot????"

Now, here's what I like about Boxxy - she's utterly insane, kind of like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, who I also find hot for the same reason. I want the kind of girl who will chop my penis off my sleep and throw it on the side of the road because she looked at my cellphone and saw a girl named "Christine" in my contacts. Now, whatever you may think of Boxxy, whether good or bad, one thing is clear: Even if the 'character' is a facade, to produce such a character, you need to have an element of that character's being in your imagination, which puts them deep in your consciousness. This leads to my hypothesis that giraffes should sprout wings and fly away to Mars, and also that Boxxy might actually be crazy irl, and could possibly be capable of cutting someone's cock off.

If I could give one piece of advice to Boxxy, it would be: black shirt, black room, black hair, black eye-liner AROUND the eyes. Stick to the formula. Also, don't listen to Svetlana, she is a bitch and her cat is a bitch.

Unfortunately, I don't think Boxxy and I are incapable as a couple, because anyone who marries Boxxy will be targeted for assassination by an elite team of international death-ninjas, most of whom are Asian and can fly. If death-ninjas attacked, I would only be able to kill 7 out of 10 ninjas before being slain; seven is my limit to anti-ninja combat, I'm working on increasing that number by doing 5,000 crunches a day and eating nothing but fresh cucumbers for a month. The ninjas, of course, would employed by a 4chan.org's largest division, The Newfags. Within The Newfag order, there is a subdivision of fags known as The Boxxyfags, who defend their 'queen' to death, and for me to violate her with my penis would break their strict code of Boxxy-Purity. There are more Boxxyfags than Smith clones. There number is equal to exactly infinity plus five. That means I couldn't possibly beat them all off. I would just spend all my beating them off; just beating off tons and tons of horny, angry men, so yeah, I think for this reason, Boxxy might not be ideal for me as a potential girlfriend. Bye, Addy!

 

LimeWire sued for 75 Trillion dollars

A class-action lawsuit has been filed by several major record labels against Limewire.com, but it feels less like a lawsuit, and more like a really graphic gangbang, because they are suing for approximately 75 Trillion dollars, which is more than the amount of money in the entire world.

Do you really expect this to go through?

"Hell yeah." said a really smooth attorney working as a prosecutor in the case.

If successful, the debt will paid back approximately by 2,000,2011 A.D.

Hot Girl Of The Week: Lady Sovereign; Possible Lapse In Judgment

So yeah.

This week, I was originally going to go with Asian supermodel Du Juan, but then I got really really drunk. It's not because I'm a racist who refuses to mention Asians, but I'm also not a weeaboo. I promise to do an Asian girl next time.

Oh, nobody cares? Alright, then I'm going to go with Jeffree Star.

Oh, okay, anyhow, Louise "Lady Sovereign" Harman was born in The British Empire sometime last Thursday or something, who is a grime rapper/Jentina-stomper. She also has been signed as a professional midget, and therefore, spends a significant amount of time being short. As a recording artist, Lady Sovereign has had mixed mainstream success, being signed to Def Jam records under Jay-Z, but the pressure of being heavily overworked caused her to go "Fuck Jay-Z" and she hopped on a fishing boat and returned to bloody England, where she joined the cast of the British Big Brother. Also, as a performer, she is an anomaly, because according to her own words, she can neither sing nor dance, but her area of expertise is "being Lady Sovereign" which makes no damn sense!

If I could give Lady Sovereign any advice, it would be: If some whiny emcee disses you multiple times on a track for no reason, it's 'cuz she be a jealous bitch; wanted to be on your track just a few years before, probably will be wearing a jelly donut costume following you a few years later.

I don't think Lady Sovereign and I would work out as a couple if we ever met, because first of all, I'd need to amass like thousands of dollars for one "random night" with Lady Sovereign, because let's be honest: it would get expensive for reasons I cannot tell you. Just use your imagination. Also, in the words of Betty White: "She's a lesbian." so I'd have to get a sex change, and that'd end up costing even more money, and I really can't afford all this. Finally, I honestly don't think I'd be able to keep up with Lady Sovvy's ability to put down massive amounts of booze on a daily basis, as explained here:

Justin Bieber!?

WHAT!?

JUSTIN BIEBER? WTF!?

WTF!!!!
WTF!!!!!!!

JUSTIN BIEBER? SERIOUSLY?

WHAT?
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG! WTF!