Bill Murray Caught In Time Loop

Earlier today, veteran actor Bill Murray, who has starred in many critically-acclaimed films, became caught in a "time-loop", a re-occurring day that simply will not pass until you've lived it correctly. Scientists are unable to pinpoint a cause for this phenomenon, but physicists at the University of Berkeley have theorized that Quantum Mechanics may play some roll. Dr. Mahib Kasthurirangan, a specialist in theoretical particle physics explained, "What Mr. Murray experienced earlier today is what we might call a time-loop, but more accurately, a time-space-loop, since space and time are intertwined. This is what we call a 'Quantum liability', where the particle acceleration rate slows to where it is nearly stopped, which is non-perceptable to any human orifices, but drops the probability of say, a single nanosecond passing, to absolute zero, ergo, space and matter stay in place, but the human mind perceives this as a repeating day many times over in space of a fraction of a second until the mind 'resolves' the crisis, which can have a huge impact on the psyche of the subject, sometimes altering their entire personalities. This has been known at times to even happen when someone is struck by lightning, and it is possible that such a mechanism could be triggered by highly-charged electrodes, and in some cases, has been known to cause humans and nearby dogs to 'switch bodies'."

Mr. Murray appears to be in good health and spirits, saying "I feel great. I really do. I've spent a lot of time stuck on this day happening over and over again, and I'm going to kind of miss it." Doctors have been reluctant to release Mr. Murray from his padded cell still, citing that Murray's recent incident has driven him into a 'spiral of madness' where he has yelled out in an unknown language and has attempted to smear feces on himself and the room he was housed in. Murray denies any kind of mental incapacity, saying "I'm just fine, really. These guys really don't know how to take a joke. I'm the kind of guy who likes to have fun sometimes and if people get it, great, but if they don't, don't lock me up for it, sheesh."

Report: The Octomom to Act In Porn; Standard Craziness

 This is Nadya Suleman, just your average mother of 14 children. Over the years, really meanie weenie people have questioned whether or not she is able to be a good mother to so many children while working so hard on so many projects, like posing in a bed with a bunch of plastic baby dolls:

 Now we know the answer to that question...

Yes.

Nadya Suleman, with her new-and-improved bionic body, has decided to put her vagina to work once again, but this time, IT'S PERSONAL. Just like any loving mother would, Nadya Suleman has turned to pornography to "liberate herself sexually and feel like a new person" put food on the table for her children. I mean, I wish my mom had done this when I was a kid; then I could maybe get that Sega Genesis I wanted... but it's too late now. I'm all grown-up and realize that Sega Genesis sucks. Sonic The Hedgehog sucks.

And yes, that picture is real, and that is a purple dildo next to some scented candles. Somehow, this picture is even MORE disturbing when it's censored, because if you haven't seen the actual picture, your imagination starts to run wild with what is under those black boxes. Don't. Just don't go down that route. Think about adorable kittens running through tall grass, chasing butterflies to Sarah McLachlan music. That's only advice I can give to you. Erase everything from your mind.

As for the children, initial reports are that no one knows their names, but they will probably never have to worry about ever having these videos of their mom being sent to them as a cruel, cruel high school prank, or needing any kind of counseling for any sort of emotional issues that might arise from living with a single mother who does pornography and reality TV for living with your 13 other siblings, because statistics show that this situation has happened exactly zero times.

Jon Stewart's Rally Was Insane

Look at this.

Today, Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, and chronic Olivia-Munn-Hirer, held The Rally To Restore Sanity, a 1-day event in Washington D.C. where thousands would gather to show how sane they are.

As an insane person, I am deeply offended and disturbed by this rally's message and the implications of the said rallying. As an official Celebrity Gossip Person, it is my duty to obsess over the insaneness of Hollywood, and on rare occasions, Bollywood. When Britney Spears shaved her hair off, I was there. When David Hasselhoff attempted to eat that hamburger while drunk on camera, I watched in the bushes. When Mel Gibson said Jews caused all the wars, I was watching them cause those wars. I thrive, live and breathe insanity, and it is my oxygen. Not the channel. As an official mamarazzi (A more gentle, caring version of the paparazzi), I need America to be as crazy as possible, not just for myself, but also for myself.

However, hyperbolically speaking, the rally was nuts. It had everything I desire in a rally: crazy signs that are contradictory to the point of the rally, Sheryl Crow's fake teeth, Ozzy Osbourne, and Stephen Colbert melting into a pool of delicious butter. I personally feel like it was a success in that it restored our sense that sanity was possible, which you know will put everyone into a crazed frenzy trying to get it. In fact, I was reading some of the news articles to get a sense of how people felt about the rally, and of course, I will just let their random comments do the talking:

Person 1: all whiteskinned liberals are dirty racists who worship klansman robert byrd. i still have not heard them repudiate nancy pelosi for her white supremacist actions.

Person 2:

rujokingme ..... perfect example of dimwitted conservative. Not only can they not use proper grammar, they use contradicting statements for their arguments. Like a nat at a barbeque..... just buggin the fu#k outta ya.....