How Hayden Panettiere lost 245 lbs in just 2 weeks!

Hollywood loves young upcoming stars, and Hayden Panettiere is no exception, but she has one weakness: food. After NBC's Heroes was cancelled due to the fact that it sucked and the writers had no idea where they were going with the plot, Panettiere began eating a large amount of bacon and chocolate ice cream every day, sometimes at the same time, and ended up looking like Jabba the Hutt, or worse, Rosie O'Donnell. To have a career in the entertainment industry, everyone knows that you can't be fat, unless you're a man. Everyone knows that fat guys are hilarious. I sincerely hope in future that fat people never rise up against discrimination and it becomes politically incorrect to make fun of the morbidly obese, which might jeopardize my potential run for President of the United States of America. 

Anyhow, ABC developed a brand-new series called Nashville, which is okay. I saw an episode of it, and it's the same old TV drama formulas crammed into a country-music-industry anecdote. But whatever, right? Country music may not be my forte per se, but the show is still better than any of that herpes-ridden rotten horse saliva being squeezed out of the nipple of the evil giraffe-goddess, also known as "NBC shows". I mean, they're ending 30 Rock? Eat a bag of period blood, NBC.

Wait, what was I writing about? Oh, right. Hayden Panettiere was on the way to being the epitome of all those "yo momma so fat..." jokes when her agent told her that she was going to need to lose some of that flab, and replace it with fab. Panettiere immediately threw her cellphone against a brick wall out of sheer rage, which burned like 10 calories right there. Then she went into the gym, where a bunch of muscular steroid-guys offered to give her personal training "for free". She declined, knowing that she would have to sleep with them, and they would have very small dicks. She walked on the treadmill for like 2 seconds before realizing something.

"I was in really bad shape!" Panettiere said, "I knew things had gotten out of control. I knew I had to make like Stella and get my groove back. Walking on that treadmill sure wasn't going to do it, so I went to the only person I could trust: Dr. Scienceman, who works as a nutritionist, personal trainer, and spiritual adviser to the stars. The man is truly amazing. He taught the Prince of Spain how to do a back handspring. So I went to him to ask him for his guidance. He looked me right in my eyes, my big beautiful blue eyes, which complimented my soft facial features and flowing golden hair, and said 'Hayden, you need to starve. You need to starve hard.' and that's what I did. I starved the living daylights out of myself. I starved until I was skinny enough. I starved until I was good enough. Then, ABC called me and said 'We see you've lost quite a bit of weight there. We had a part in our show that we were going to have to give to Ashley Tisdale, but thank God we don't have to. You have no idea how relieved we are. We want to sign you to the show for the price of 1,000,000,000$ per episode. And I said yes. It's a truly inspiring American dream story come true. If you work hard in America, and are pretty enough, anything is possible."

ENCYCLOPEDIADRAMATICA DEAD!?

Oh, lulz, what hath ye wrought?


Today, I was horrified when I tried to go the website known as Encyclopediadramatica.com, and was redirected to some random vomit-inducing version that wallows in the manure of political correctness. When did we come to the stipulation that being off-the-wall offensive and unreadable was no longer going to be supported? When did ED go from being absolutely decadent to absolutely decedent?

I wish I could produce a touching montage of all the moments ED and I shared throughout the years, because yes, while growing out my neckbeard and sitting in my mom's basement, growing jabba-like on hot pockets, in between bouts of completely unprovoked trolling on poor innocent souls, I would gander at the beautifully scripted and angelically poetic writings of all those who contributed to what can only be described as a "clusterfuck of wtf and stfu faggot", I laughed. I laughed at all the jokes. I, for one, was touched (inappropriately) by this now-deceased bastion of trolling goodness, and it brings a black emo tear down the side of my milk-white face. Even as I type these horrifically tragic words onto my world-famous blog that everyone reads, I am blasting Hawthorne Heights, and looking apathetically at my bleeding wrists, which I cut with a razor. It's the only way I can feel anything anymore.

From ED, I learned many things about myself. I learned that misanthropy can be hilarious. I learned that Long-Cat is really long. I learned that drawing pictures of half-snake half-human people who are part male and part female and then crying about how no one understands your artwork is nuts. I learned that by taking Computer Science III, I can shut down any website in the world whenever I want. I learned that Harry Potter and his friends are actually gothic kids who are constantly going to muggle concerts. Most importantly, I learned that reciting memes to people doesn't make you cool or funny. Only funniness is funny, and memeiness is akin to fagginess. Now, as brutal as that may sound, I want to be clear: I am not being homophobic by saying "fag". When I say "fag", I am always referring specifically to the English slang for a cigarette. So if I say, for example, "Stop being a fag", I mean "Stop being a cigarette". Confusing? Good. So be reciting memes in chatrooms/omegle, you are not being clever or funny. It is like smoking cigarettes all day, but instead of destorying* your lungs, you're destorying your SOUL.


*note: "destorying" is not a typo. Destorying refers to the act of destroying something so bad that you literally erase it from history, i.e., annihilating it's very story.