Madonna To Suck A Million Dicks

If you're a male, Madonna wants your cum in her mouth!

JCG 2016 Election Coverage -- Last Thursday, Madonna "Madonna" Madonna put forth a tantalizing offer for every male who ever wanted to receive fellatio from a 60-year-old pop star with a fake English accent: To suck the dick of every man who would vote for Hillary Clinton. So far, millions of American males have signed up to have their genitals slurped by the aging Kabbala enthusiast in exchange for their allegiance to former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. As of yet, it is not clear why Madonna has put forth this proposition, and the perplexing contingency is not lost on the receivers of the head. 

Stephen Banker, a 36-year-old attorney from Arkansas, spoke to JCG while waiting in the miles-long line to have his phallus engaged orally by the Material Girl herself. "I don't know why she wants to suck my dick." Banker said, adding, "I think a presidential candidate should be chosen on the merit of their policies, not for sexual reasons, but hey - head is head." Banker's wife, Hanna Banker, was initially upset with her husband for going to Madonna, but has come around, evidently. "Stephen has always wanted to get his dick sucked by Madonna," Mrs. Banker explained, "And I don't like Donald Trump, so this will get him to vote for Hillary, so our votes won't just cancel each other out, and this just kind of works."

Other men weren't so lucky. James Westville, from Colorado Springs, Colorado, left his long-time girlfriend of 20 years to plug Madonna's mouth-hole with his member. "I loved [my girlfriend]," Westville explained, "But this is Madonna we're talking about. I can't pass this opportunity to get my dick between her lips. She may be old now, but that just means she has experience."

According to Madonna's publicist, Madonna has trained hard to prepare for the onslaught of cocks that would be cumming her way in lieu of her offer. She is reported to have done 100 tongue-push-ups per day, and has an IV attached to her arm to keep her body hydrated and prevent chafing on the interior of her mouth. She will not eat for the next 16 days, at least, not a conventional meal. Human sperm is high in protein and essential nutrients, and she will be using the high vitality of a semen-based diet to maintain her stamina. 

We, of course, wish her the best in her mission!

Wartune: Once You're Inside, Your Friends Won't Be Seeing Much of You!

That's right. Wartune was rated by the Entertainment Software Rating Board as Adult for 18+ only. Sorry, kids, I know you were looking forward to playing a pay-to-even-move-your-bowels game that combines the excitement of city-building and rpg-style turn-based battles (think Cloud Strife playing SimCity 9000) but it's now off-limits, so go home and watch your Adventure Time instead. I mean, look at that photo; a woman with horns is holding a human skull and wearing a very revealing leather bikini thing. It's really the ultimate fantasy of any sane, warm-blood human male: sticking your dick into an evil force that seeks only blood and destruction, one that most likely has vagina dentata.

I can't see what's not appealing about this game now. No wonder my friends won't be seeing much of me after playing this game, because I'll be fucking demon-women 24/7 and won't have time to talk about college applications, community volunteering programs, cars, the latest trends in astrophysics, and of course, the motherfucking weather, with my former "friends". I can't wait to start playing this shit. However, I was curious as to why it got the "A" rating, so I decided to look it up and

Oh right, I forgot rule #1 of Wartune ads: everything is bullshit and the game is made of retard.

Khloe Kardashian Refuses To Have Talent

Khloe Kardashian (seen above) is famous for being the sister of a girl who starred in a homemade porno video whose parents were involved in the OJ Simpson trial.

It's hard to keep up with the.... NO I'M NOT USING THAT PLAY ON WORDS. YOU CAN'T PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THAT SHIT. After a reality show, radio show, singing career, hosting a television show, Khloe Kardashian is facing a unique set of problems: She isn't Kim or Kourtney, and the entertainment industry requires talent, which Khloe lacks. She just appears to be a glorified homeless person in the Hollywood scene, begging for gigs. No, hold on. That wasn't mean enough. She's like a slut who seems to be willing to suck any floppy old dick just to keep her pathetic existence vaguely on the radar of America. 

Hm, that still wasn't mean enough. Okay, let's try this: Khloe Kardashian is the shit stain on the carpet of Hollywood that just will not come up, even after being blasted many times with Oxyclean. Wait, hold on. The floppy dick one seemed meaner, actually, and people are counting on me to deliver the bite that only a rabid attack-dog journalist can deliver; Khloe Kardashian is possibly the most mentally-retarded crack baby slut whore who sucks AIDS-infested, shit-covered, brown-semen-spitting wrinkly ancient dicks just because her life is a piece of trash manifesting itself in human form.

You know what? I really feel like I can do this. Let me just try one more time: If Andy Dick got AIDS, then ate a newborn baby with szechuan sauce, then shit that out into a raccoon's mouth, then a homeless guy collected that raccoon's fleas, mashed them into a ball and ate them while smearing the raccoon's guts all over his body in an underwater genetic-testing chamber while being blasted with gamma rays and diarrhea, and living on a strict diet of pig vomit and phlegm, his shit would be Khloe Kardashian, whose career consists of ripping apart the very fabric existence by defying God and continuing to felching out of the assholes of sumos who are covered in slime because they never shower, just so she can continue to curse everyone's very beings with her incessant fucking pathetic uselessness that contaminates any sane or decent human being's means of perception. Anything she looks at transmogrifies into diarrhea and then explodes all over the place, and her baby is already smoking crystal meth because she puts a meth pipe in it's mouth instead of a bottle, as she is a unequivocally horrendous mother who is raising her children to grow up to become rapists and murderers. Just kidding, all of that would be a step up from where she is right now, that fucking worthless cunt, that living bucket of polar bear shit, that bitch-ass talentless dumpster slut who needs to get eaten by a tyrannosaur.

Yikes, I feel like an asshole after writing that. But that's the internet. You have to be outrageously mean for no reason at all or else you're just not doing it right.

Wartune: Make love to her now or something.

So I saw this ad for Wartune, a turn-based "strategy" "game", where you can't win unless you pay significant amounts of money for superior items. The game itself combines the over-used formula of city-building, and the over-used formula of mmos.

But I'm going to review this ad, rather than the game, because I'm sure the game sucks ass all by itself. First of all, "love" does not expel darkness, light does. You can't power a light source with love, it just doesn't work like that. Now, of course, everyone knows this, but hey, it sounds kind of catchy, right? No, not really. It's just there to justify the hilariously nonsensical phrase "Make love against the evils with her NOW!" which is meant to confuse dyslexic readers into seeing "Make love to her NOW!" and of course, seeing the scantily-clad, large-titted wench-archer. This has "Evony" written all over it. The city-building, the boobs, the misleading ads. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and this game could've been written by underpaid Cambodian game developers who meant to say "Use love against the evils with her NOW!", however, I still fail to see how using love is applicable in a turn-based strategy game. I also fail to see why she would be used in battle at all, considering how little armor she has to protect her heart and head from incoming missile attacks, or a ferocious ogre's battleaxe. Furthermore, is she even an archer? Why is she operating a crossbow with no gloves? Does she want to get blisters?

Furthermore, which evils am I making love to... I mean against. Or whatever. You know, I'd much rather just make love to her, but since she's not a real person, maybe I'd better just save my time by watching porn or something. I'm not sure I'm the target audience for this game, because I think too much.