Lindsay Lohan Gets Her Hand Bitten Off By A Shark

Member Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan has come a long way since being the adorable little girl in The Parent Trap remake, which is scheduled to be remade again in 2018 as The Parent Trap: Reconciliation, directed by Michael Bay, and starring Gail Bean and Gail Bean as the twins, Donald Glover as the dad, and Stacey Dash as the mom. It will have everything you want in a movie: black people, explosions, sexy women, gay people, explosions, gay explosions.

Lindsay decided to start her own nightclub, because she'd been kicked out of so many nightclubs for throwing her stilettos randomly, that she said, "Fuck you all, I'm starting my own nightclub, and when I do, you're not on the list, fuckerrrrrrsssss!" Unfortunately for Ms. Lohan, managing the club has turned out to be more difficult than she had imagined: she has to manage inventory, abide by labor laws, get the building ready for fire inspections, fight the rats out of the kitchen with a flamethrower, deal with unruly employees, deal with rowdy customers and guests, make sure the club is bangin', pay royalties to use popular rap music, and on one occasion, she had to fight off a shark.

That's right, folks, you heard it here first: last Thursday, Lindsay Lohan had to tango with a fully-grown great white shark in her own club, and the sight was not pretty. The club's security guards informed Ms. Lohan that a shark had been spotted in the club, and according to eyewitness reports, Lindsay lost her fucking shit. She began screaming incoherently, and throwing bottles of alcohol at the bar patrons, demanding that they remove the shark from the building. The shark was asked to leave, but since sharks don't speak any English, it continued to stay on the dance floor. Sharks only understand one thing: blood. They are truly stupid creatures who only can destroy life with their blood-stained massive teeth of death.

According to reports, Lohan began yelling, "Get the fuck out of my club! This my club, you piece of shit!" and the shark became confused, and interpreted Lindsay's flailing hands as fish, swimming through the sea. The shark lunged forward and instantly bit off Lindsay's left hand, the one she uses to finger her clitoris (whereas the right hand handles the dildo), and swallowed it. Lohan's hand was said to be so inundated with drugs that it killed the shark instantly, but left Lohan with a stump that sprayed blood like a Tarantino flick. Luckily for Lindsay Lohan, doctors were able to re-attach her hand, despite Lindsay Lohan's demands to have her hand replaced with a grenade launcher.

Lindsay's publicist could not be reached for comment.

Reese Witherspoon Fought The Law and The Law Won

Last Thursday, Reese Witherspoon (shown above) was arrested for being blonde without a license, but she wasn't gonna take that shit sitting down. The oscar-winning actress delivered a flying dragon kick to the groin of Officer Jim Ferguson when he attempted to grab her shoulder, a technique she learned while watching TaeBo videos. The other officer immediately tased Witherspoon, bringing her down swiftly, and she was then swarmed by police, who kicked her and beat her with batons until she stopped breathing. In a press conference following Witherspoon's apprehension, Mayor Lewis James praised the officers' heroic efforts, saying "Justice has won today. Evil must not be allowed to hide in the shadows, and as long as we have heroes like Jim Ferguson, we can sleep in our beds, and on park benches without fear of criminals, terrorists, horrorists, Jehovah's Witnesses, and mimes that are just waiting to hit you with a loaf of french bread."

Witherspoon's attorney said on Thursday, "Although I believe the measure of force was completely justified, I think we should take into account that my client is paying me to say the police were out of line, and therefore, I am going to proclaim this to you: the police were completely out of line and we need to throw them out of those blue uniforms, and into other uniforms, such as firefighters. To be honest, I think it would be a good transition for them. Nobody ever complains about 'firefighter brutality'. They get to be heroes no matter what. It's really not even fair."

Witherspoon herself tweeted "FUCK THE PIGS, TO SERVE AND PROTECT, WHAT A FUCKING LIE" and later elaborated on her tweet during an interview with David Letterman, saying "Basically, here's what happened. Fuck the police coming straight from a hollywood celebrity, I snap pigs like celery, a hellion on the streets, smash 'em to bits, match wits with utmost brevity." and went onto recite a pre-written poetic verse about police oppression to a rhythmic beat, in which she claimed that the police, rather than being objective in their apprehension of criminals, chose to target her specifically for being blonde, and vowed that if law enforcement officials were to enter her neighborhood, that the potential for riot-incited gun violence could potentially be used against the police. These extreme lyrics caused the show to cut to commercial, especially after Witherspoon pulled out a picture of Pope Francis, ripped it into pieces and yelled "Fight the real enemy!"

How to be a Rapper: A Quick Make-Up Tutorial

Are you sick of being a douchebag? Do you want all your friends to think you're cool?














Hmm, yeah?

Then you may want to consider a career as a Professional Hip-Hop Artist, also known as a Rapper, or an Emcee, or, in some rare instances, A Very Musical Gangster. You know some hardcore gang bangers have music in them; we all do, and that's what makes the human imagination so magical, even the imaginations of those guys who go around shooting people.

Note: Not all rappers are gangsters, and not all gangsters are rappers. If you ever took an IQ test, you'd realize that, SON.

So, look, 2012 is coming soon, and there may not be much time to pursue your dreams, and Randy Quaid has been exiled to Canada, so he won't be able to save us this time, so if you ever want to make your dreams of banging Miss Info and possibly a Kardashian sister come true, you need to get your rap career started quick.

I'm convinced that becoming a rapper is easy. You don't have to sing, dance, write your music, do anything, etc., in order to be successful. All you need is to follow The Formula. No one knows who invented The Formula, because so many people take credit for it, myself included, so let's just say that it was invented by Bill Gates. For instance, consider that Lil Wayne is the Best Rapper Alive. This is a fact, because it was confirmed by Lil Wayne himself, who also began the rumor that he was the Best Rapper Alive, despite this title being disputed by everyone else, even rappers on his own label. But that's part of hip-hop! Even if everyone else in the world is totally against what flies out of your mouth, The Laws of Hip-Hop dictate that you must "fuck 'em all" (Not sexually) and go against the grain. Well, anyhow! Lil Wayne went on the Tim Westwood show and had this to say when asked to do a "freestyle" live:

"I don't even know how to rap!"

And he wasn't even kidding.

If you are unfamiliar with freestyling, it is the act of rapping live, but not using any pre-meditated rhymes, which means you make it up as you go along. Lil Wayne busted out this freestyle:

[long pause]
[laughs]
Okay...
Welcome to the Carter
Little shoppa [unintelligible]
Bloody like a period, after [Dee Arthur!?]
Doctor, I'm a dog, I'm a dog, I'm a dog!
Not George Town, but I'm-a Uptown hood
[Laughs]
Like the law and my lawyers
I got them come be my employers
Freestylin', for ya know, know me
No, no, only for Monique
More of the money I get, I got that
Yeah, like a pot and a pan, I rock that
Yeah, I back with my bus driver, where to go?
[long pause]
[takes a sip of drink]
They diminish, I replenish
Scientific, I'm out this world, homes
AND I WEAR BRIGHT RED, LIKE A GIRL TOE! NO HOMO!
My fingernails dirty cuz I been counting dirty money since 12:30
a.m., weigh them, if they show up, take them, right back spray him, amen!
I just do my Wayne, and every time I do it, I do my thang!
YEAH.
[takes a drink]
[wipes sweat from forehead from intense concentration]


Now, just imagine him saying these rhymes very slowly, and out of rhythm. I know some of the lines didn't even rhyme or make any sense, but it's hard out there for a rapper, who's just trying to make a buck, or several million.

Okay, here we go.

1 - Everything has to be in Black and White.






















Pretty simple, right?


2 - You must wear an oversized white t-shirt, baggy jeans, old gym shoes, a leather jacket, a baseball cap, and a gold necklace at all times.

3 - You must drive a fly mercedes and fill it with fly ladies.

4 - Tell everyone that you're a rapper, even if they don't ask. Just go around freestyling all the time and telling people that you're a rapper, possibly the best. If they get annoyed, call them a hater and tell them that "they'll be sorry someday soon".

5 - You must talk like you are from The Hood at all times. If you talk in a non-Hood voice, then everyone from The Hood will know that you're faking it, so don't ever even use your non-Hood voice, ever!

6 - Look at people like this:
















If anyone asks why you're looking at them that way, just say "I'm a rapper", and they'll totally understand.

7 - Have swagger. Swagger isn't just walking really weird, it's an attitude. People have to feel your aura, so that they automatically know how fly of a rapper you is. I mean "are".

8 - Copy everything that Jay-Z does, but pretend that you don't, and then tell people that you're a Nas fan.













"My name is Hov. How are you?"


9 - Always hang out at clubs and with models. Never hang out with computer nerds, emo kids, and old white men, unless of course, those old white men are Tim Westwood.


10 - Unfortunately, there may come a time when you need actual rap lyrics to spew out of your mouth. On the bright side, it's EZ!!! Just find a bunch of words that sound cool and rhyme, then just start throwing them together. Here are a few to get you started:

Club - Bub (Short for Bubbly, which is short for Champagne)
Shorty - For me (It works, just slur it)
Rims - Trim (You should be using this to refer to a fly shorty)
Car - Bar
Cat - Hat
Girl - Twirl
Heezy - Sheezy
You know - Fo Sho
Flo - Show
Go - Ho
Bitch - Rich
Rocks - Glocks
Nuts - Butts

I hope that helped.

If you are still confused on how to write a rap song, don't worry. Just say "I'm a dog!" like 80 times, and probably some people will still think it's a decent freestyle. For your songs, just get a Canadian to write your rap lyrics, because they have unlimited marijuana up there, which boosts their creativity +3

THE END

50 Cent Has A Lot Of Money

"I got this off the dollar menu? Get it? Ah, nevermind."

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you probably don't know from my Myspace blog (Seeing as it's now set to private) I did a post where I delved into the psyche of "Haters", and the intricacies of their hating. As a quick synopsis of that write-up, I theorized that the primary goal of Haters is to "Get you mad", and asked a Hater about some of the things he hated, which was every subject I brought up. An important point I brought up was the time-tested principle to simply "let the Haters hate, and watch the money pile up", because when you let the Haters hate, the money, ostensibly, will pile up.

Curtis "Fiddy Cent" Jackson, of course, is a pioneer in letting the money pile up, as seen in the above picture, where he is shown eating money like beef steaks. This was taken from a photo shoot in which the not-very-controversial rapper plays around with half a million dollars just to show how rich he is. Believe me, he's quite rich. According to 50:

"As you can observe, I have acquired a decadent surplus of personal capital, through my prolific talent as a musical recording artist. Ever since my inception as a performer of hip-hop, I conceived powerful dark recidivist undertones in every orchestration, and cultivating a felonious moniker for myself in every stanza, inevitably resulting in me getting money. My personal wealth consequently has exploded to prodigious proportions, necessitating an exhibition of my extravagance. GGGG-Unit."

Indeed, 50 Cent has made quite a killing from Gangsta Rap, detailing his life as a gangster on the streetz. Like most gangsters, 50 is quite successful as an entrepreneur, starring in his own movie, having his own video game, a clothing line made by Thai children, and of course, his own fragrance, Scent of Fiddy.