Hot Girl of The Week: Michelle Malkin

Look, Conservative bitches just do it better in bed. Not that Michelle Malkin is a bitch. She is a beautiful human being, who just happens to agree with absolutely everything hard-right Republicans do. Should we all have AR-15s? You betcha. Mexicans? Get them outta here. Muslims? Get the AR-15s. Et cetera. Also, there is the undeniable fact that Michelle Malkin is Asian, and I have only two weaknesses: candy and Asian women. Also, I'm afraid of centipedes, but I digress. Michelle Malkin is a very little-known Conservative blogger, which you would think would be a total turn-off to me, since I'm a hardcore liberal hollywood blogger who loves celebz, but somehow, she just gets my buttcheeks hard. Now, other liberals love to be haters on Michelle because their red-star berets are cutting off circulation to their brain cells, and they're missing out on the fact that she's beautiful. Just because she goes on Fox News to tell everyone how bad Obama is doesn't make her any less Asian, and any less sexy. Besides, Obama probably is selling the US Nuclear Arsenal to Belgium so he can get 24-inch chrome rims on his ride.

If I could give any advice to Michelle Malkin, it would be: You should sing the hook in a rap song.

Unfortunately, I do not think Michelle Malkin and myself would last long as a couple, sadly enough. First of all, she has my ex-girlfriend's name, and that could get weird. Second of all, Michelle is also the President's wife's name, so it could get doubly weird, especially if we did some bizarre political-sex roleplay scenario where I put on black-face and fuck her as Barack Obama. Then, as we're having sex, she'd say, in between panting and moaning, "This is an allegory for what Mr. Obama is doing to this country. He's fucking us. He's fucking us hard. Oh oh, don't stop, Mr. President." and I'd be all like "What the shit is this fuck?" and my buttcheeks would immediately go flaccid and it'd all be over. I just don't want to go through that. I don't think I'm emotionally ready for that right now in my life. I'm sorry.

BONUS POSTER!

Wartune: Make love to her now or something.

So I saw this ad for Wartune, a turn-based "strategy" "game", where you can't win unless you pay significant amounts of money for superior items. The game itself combines the over-used formula of city-building, and the over-used formula of mmos.

But I'm going to review this ad, rather than the game, because I'm sure the game sucks ass all by itself. First of all, "love" does not expel darkness, light does. You can't power a light source with love, it just doesn't work like that. Now, of course, everyone knows this, but hey, it sounds kind of catchy, right? No, not really. It's just there to justify the hilariously nonsensical phrase "Make love against the evils with her NOW!" which is meant to confuse dyslexic readers into seeing "Make love to her NOW!" and of course, seeing the scantily-clad, large-titted wench-archer. This has "Evony" written all over it. The city-building, the boobs, the misleading ads. I mean, I could be totally wrong, and this game could've been written by underpaid Cambodian game developers who meant to say "Use love against the evils with her NOW!", however, I still fail to see how using love is applicable in a turn-based strategy game. I also fail to see why she would be used in battle at all, considering how little armor she has to protect her heart and head from incoming missile attacks, or a ferocious ogre's battleaxe. Furthermore, is she even an archer? Why is she operating a crossbow with no gloves? Does she want to get blisters?

Furthermore, which evils am I making love to... I mean against. Or whatever. You know, I'd much rather just make love to her, but since she's not a real person, maybe I'd better just save my time by watching porn or something. I'm not sure I'm the target audience for this game, because I think too much.

Hot Girl of The Week: Melissa Lee

Actually, since my December was filled with hectic holiday events and shopping (aka heavy drug usage), Melissa Lee will be the Hot Girl of The Month, because let's be honest; everyone wants to laugh at my questionable taste in women.
















It's not secret that I love Asian girls (Well, it's not anymore), even though they sound like a squeaky bed spring in bed. However, there is an angry, oppressive segment of the population that looks down on Asiaphiles, and says mean things about us that make me curl up into a pathetic ball of human misery and just weep softly into a pillow into the night. Those bastards.

The only way I can explain this is what I call the "Beatles-Theory". Now, the Beatles were a band that no one cared about or even ever heard of until the late 2000s when their movie "Across The Universe" made them cool. Finally. But then we learned something awful. Yoko Ono, a notorious Lennon-seducing Art-hater, ruined The Beatles. To prevent anything else from being ruined, society decided to ridicule any white person that wanted to shack up with an Azn Gurl.

Well, sorry, society, but I find myself irreversibly drawn to watching CNBC's Fast Money, an insanely boring stock market analysis show which presents the viewers with absolutely useless information, because it is hosted by Melissa Lee. Melissa Lee also hosted some pretty boring CNBC documentaries, including Porn: The Business of Pleasure, in which Lee interviews some incredibly creepy people. Needless to say, I could not resist the allure of Lee's Azn-ness, and was forced to watch a documentary about Coca-Cola, and let me tell you - it was torture, every second, but it was all worth it when Melissa Lee appeared on the screen and asked about Coca-Cola products.

If I could give Melissa Lee any advice, it'd be: Shut up and kiss me, fool.

Unfortunately, I don't think Lee and myself would be compatible as a couple, because journalists and bloggers are like Jews and Muslims; an explosive mixture of rage, sand, and chick-pea-based chip dips. You see, journalists are professionals at manipulating information, whereas bloggers just screw up information in a very sloppy and unrefined manner. Now, let's say I seduced Melissa with my irresistible wit and empirical good looks. If her colleagues found out, they would probably put a hit on her, and she would be sniped by the same guys who killed Kennedy! DUN DUN DUN




















God help us if the Chinese take our hot CNBC hosts away.