Why Brad and Angelina Got Divorced: "Having a White Baby Traumatized Me"

It's not official until I say it's official, so now I'm saying it's official: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are done; stick a fork in it. After betraying Jennifer Aniston in 2005 by divorcing her and saying, "I think we should just be... FRIENDS." then being seduced by Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, sweet delicious karma has struck again like the bitch she is, and has said ixnay on the arriagenay. The couples' lives were closely followed by the savage paparazzi, some of whom are actual cannibals that eat human beings. Under the scrutiny of cameras and bloggers, we followed this whirlwind romance from beginning to end, wondering if it would persevere like Billary (Bill and Hillary Clinton mixed, for their strength in magic) or if Brad Pitt would get involved in a weird alien cult like Tom Cruise and force Angelina (who is Katie Holmes [or vice-versa?] in this metaphor) to abide by a made-up religion by a science fiction writer when the whole thing is obviously a huge pile of bullshit.

And by that, I mean Scientology is bullshit. Go ahead, pull my google adsense money OH WAIT I DON'T HAVE ANY. Lick my colossal veiny genitals, you E.T.-fuckers.

Uh.

Why did Hollywood's dynamic duo split, though? After years of blissful marriage, the couple has had many ups and downs. But why? Was it Brad Pitt's propensity to savagely beat Angelina with a wrench? No, ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you a much different account of events. In 2034 or some shit, Angelina Jolie went to Thailand or Cambodia or one of those countries, and adopted Maddox, which is his actual native name. Maddox was beloved by the public and he went on to start "The Best Page In The Universe" on the internet, which now has a Youtube channel, and exclusive t-shirts, not that I'm shilling or anything. I'm just stating facts.

Then Jolie adopted another Chinese kid, and then adopted a black as a child. I mean a negroid child. I'm serious. I mean, I'm not joking. I'm not trying to be racist. I wish I were allowed to use the 'delete' key on my keyboard, and then I wouldn't have to type out embarrassing faux pas such as that. My boss says "No. We want only the rawest, most visceral content on JCG even if it exposes your secret racism and the fact that you're actually a homosexual and need to just admit it and stop lying to yourself. Why are you not married yet? Where's your girlfriend, hm?" and I stick to that mantra even though I'm seriously wondering what would happen if I ever made a typo.

Going back to the story -- the real story here -- according to an ex-bodyguard for the couple, once Angelina Jolie had a white baby with Brad Pitt, she 'felt betrayed'. According to multiple sources close to Jolie, she was severely disappointed that Brad Pitt's sperm produced a caucasian baby and she couldn't handle it. She began channeling her anger into portraits of bowls of fruit, which she painted with acrylic paints, and doing yoga. Over time, her obsession spiraled out of control, and her house was covered in canvases and she was so flexible that she could bend backwards and lick her own pussy on the front-side. Disturbed by Jolie's behavior, Brad Pitt took the kids and stayed at a shelter because he didn't feel safe around her any longer. Enraged by Brad's actions, Angelina went to one of the most exclusive clubs in LA and danced her anger out on the dance floor, and her moves were sensational. Then she took a bunch of pills and washed them down with UV's quesadilla-flavored vodka. Loaded full of drugs and righteous anger, she went home and threw all of Brad's belongings out on the lawn in the rain. When she woke up the next morning, she realized she accidentally went to a stranger's house and threw some random person's belongings out on their front lawn.

The 911 transcript that we obtained through abhorrent and shameful sexual favors reads thusly:

911: Hello, what is your emergency?

Caller [who wants to remain anonymous]: Oh god, help me!

911: Calm down, ma'am. Please tell me what's going on.

Caller: Angelina Jolie is in my house! Oh my god!

911: That's not an emergency. Please don't-

Caller: She's throwing my stuff out of my house! I don't know why she's doing this! NOT THE VASE. THAT HAS MY FATHER'S ASHES! [faint sound of shattering in the background]

Truly horrific. So Brad was like, "I'm outtie. Here, tell these people something they don't know about me." and tossed a microphone into Angelina Jolie's hands. Everyone in the shelter jeered loudly, breaking the awkward silence around Brad's rule-breaking acapella verse. Later on, little Knox Leon (the pale-faced baby) asked his mother, Angelina, "Did you and daddy break up because of me?" sadly. "Yes son." Angelina answered lovingly. They both smiled and Angelina poked his nose. He giggled playfully. "You're so silly, mommy." Knox Leon said.

Justin Bieber: "Nigger"

So this one time, when Justin Bieber was younger, he said "Nigger" or "Nigga" or "Spear-chucking porch monkey" or something of that nature, and it was totally racist. Like REALLY totally literally racist. I mean, that shit was racist as hell. It was so racist that for a moment, I thought the Reverend Al Sharpton was going to have an aneurism when he found out.

In other news, Justin Bieber's song "Baby" saved a black kid's life, which totally isn't BS. That shit actually happened, and now a young boy (who is African-American) is now alive and well, thanks to Justin Bieber's hit single, "Baby". This proves that Justin Bieber is totally not racist and that his music prevents young African-American children from dying. OR MAYBE IT WAS THE VERSE LUDA DROPPED ON THAT SHIT, NIGGA.

In Lindsay Lohan news...

Guess what, geeks? Lindsay Lohan will not be going to prison, where she would have to have endure the cuddling of her muscular lesbian cellmate, "Pudding". Rather, she will have to be checked back into rehab. Upon hearing this news, Lindsay was indignant, and kinda just hoped the court would, like, let just live her life, like damn. However, the iron fist of justice hit Lindsay with yet another stint in the rehabs, and I'm 90% certain that they will work this time.

Here's an important fact to remember, though: It costs a lot of money to keep someone in prison. Rehab, however, is dirt cheap, because all you need to do is rent a room in a church basement for a day, set up some steal folding chairs and hold a clipboard, with which you, as the psychological professional working for the government, will pretend to take notes, but will actually be drawing a shark jumping out of the water and eating a deer. You should also keep in mind that Lindsay is rich and WHITE. OH YEAH I WENT THERE.

Rick Sanchez fired from CNN for being a damn racist!

Uh oh, fire up the blogging machine, because there's controversies all over the good name of cable news once again.

Rick Sanchez, an anchor on some CNN show, was fired the other day for comments he made that set off a firestorm of ding-dang cotton-picking blogs and riots across L.A.

He must've said something really bad, like "You know what's crazy about America? I eat Chinese food that's made in a kitchen by Mexicans who work for a Jewish owner." because that would be really crazy. If I said something like that, it'd be like Dr. Laura covering a Jay-Z album on live television at the Superbowl, and Al Sharpton would demand Google shut down my page asap.

Shame on all y'all racists.