Ellen Page is a Lesbian

Bam. JCG's stamp of approval for Ellen Page's lesbianism. I personally find this turn of events to be rather unsurprising considering that she just gave me that lesbo vibe. I don't know exactly what it was, but I suspected it, just like I suspect Oprah is a lesbian as well. It is my sincere hope that Ellen Page releases photos of her making out with other girls while nude soon, cuz this boner ain't gonna take care of itself, and my girlfriend is in Colorado on a "business trip" where I bet she's screwing her boss, that fucking skank. And if you read this, Paulina, and you don't return my phone calls, I swear to god I will go fucking ballistic. I will shake the foundations of the earth. You better pick up your fucking phone, because I'm tired of your fucking games, bitch.

But uh, anyhow, congratulations to Ellen Page for being gay and stuff, and we here at JCG wish her nothing but the best in her quest for same-sex pussy. However, our sources cannot confirm if she was born a lesbian or simply "converted", which my girlfriend did before we started going out, because we met as friends and then she said she had feelings for me, and I was like well I thought you was a lesbian and then she just kissed me, and JESUS PAULINA I LOVE YOU. PLEASE PICK UP YOUR PHONE. PLEASE.

Wartune: You Deserve An Orgy!

Hey you. Yes, you. Good job today. I think you deserve an orgy today. It really doesn't matter if you play Wartune, or even bother to find out what it is, the point is: you deserve an orgy today. It could be an orgy with a lot of beautiful women, but then again, I don't know. It could be older women, or even men. It could be interracial. There may be bondage involved, and maybe even a human sacrifice, which could be you, but it could also be someone else. They kind of just pick a random person in the room, so it's always smart to take a bathroom break right before they pick out which person gets their throat cut on the alter of Aphrodite, the goddess of sex, so that she will smell the blood and bless the orgy with her satanic magic. Who knows? I sure don't. The point is, Wartune is an MMO and city-building game mixed, and also, you deserve an orgy today. If anyone tells me you DON'T deserve an orgy, they are sadly mistaken.

w9e847ro3qw DEMI MOORE AND ASHTON KUTCHER DIVORCE SCANDAL NUDE PICS HUH WHAT

Imagine you married your own mom. It seemed like a good idea at the time - you know she can make a mean breakfast, and you've already been in her vagina and sucked her tits. WELL, IT WAS A BAD IDEA. Next time, do something smarter with your time like playing golf in a thunderstorm, but instead of hitting golf balls, you're hitting yourself in the nuts repeatedly.

Ashton Kutcher has done both. Sort of. I'm not going to lie; marrying Demi Moore was probably the worst thing Ashton Kutcher has ever done, and he hosted Punk'd. So after a 500 billion dollar divorce, they're finally separated. Do not believe the headlines that claim that they are still together. I am declaring here and now that their marriage is so over that if it was more over, it would be Harold Camping's career.

The only way this relationship could get any more bizarre is if Ashton got breast implants and joined the Cult of Scientology simultaneously. Meanwhile, somewhere, Bruce Willis' ring is dropping to the ground and he's realizing that he's actually a ghost. I mean, that's what happened to his career after making a 17th Die Hard movie with the Mac guy, and Cop Out, which was named after the scriptwriters' mentality. Now, as Ashton Kutcher chases down some sleeping pills with whiskey in his closed garage with the motor running, wearing a Bruce Willis t-shirt and sobbing like a baby, Bruce Willis is yelling "Yippie kie yay, motherfucker!" as he orgasms while having incredibly incredible for-old-times-sake sex with Demi Moore's anus. SUP, ASHTON? Who's getting Punk'd now!?

If My Name Is Earl has taught us anything, it's that you can't run from Karma. Karma, of course, is a force of the universe which influences the paths of all conscious beings, and if you do something bad, then something bad will happen back to you. Like, let's say you marry Bruce Willis' ex-wife. That's pretty bad. In Christianity, I'm pretty sure you'd go to hell for that. In Karma-anity, you have douchey tabloids trash the shit out of you until you start doing drugs just to escape from reality, and eventually end up on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, where he declares you to be "unfixable".

Random Kate Middleton Pictures

This is England's Princess Kate Middleton of Chesterweschter or whatever. It's not important. What I'm really concerned about is the legacy of the Royal Family, because without them, the people of England would have billions of extra pounds (What those blokes call their dollars) that they would use to buy America and turn it into a dystopian nightmare out of the acid-induced visions of George Orwell. I'm talking like, we'd have electric cars and watch dog races on network television. If that happened, I'd go deep underground and start a gorilla war. Yes, I meant to say "gorilla". If you have no idea what a gorilla war is, then you need go back to kindergarten and start over with finger-painting. Here's the real reason I'm saying all of this: I don't trust Kate Middleton and neither should you. Prince William has royal blood and is constantly injecting his royal semen into Kate Middleton's non-royal muffin. She is a filthy commoner. We all know this, but no one wants to say anything. They're afraid that black vans are going to pull up and men in dark suits will have a firm, but polite talk with you about judging the character of others. I'm not afraid though. How could royalty fall in love with non-royalty? The answer is obvious: she is a Soviet-trained super-agent waiting to be activated on Day X, and steal all of Prince William's precious gold. All she would have to do is find the location of the gold, and stuff a little bit of it into her pocket every day, then "go for a little stroll", in which she delivers the gold to her contacts with the secret Colombian underground druglords. In short, Prince William was seduced by a mistress of seduction, who is about to shock the world by stealing all of his gold.

Until then, enjoy these pictures of Kate Middleton's diverse range of fashion:

Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and Justin Timberlake leak nude pics! SCANDAL!!!!!

Well, it's that time of year again: the days are getting shorter, the leaves are turning golden, and celebrities are leaking naked pictures of themselves "by accident". When I heard Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and JT all dropped nude pics all over the web, I was all over that action. I did extensive research to find the said pictures, but alas, my pursuit was in vain. I manage to find this picture of Scarlett Johansson's butt, which I cleverly pixelated to censor the part of her butt which is unfit for the eyes of... uhm... I'm going to say "the children". No worries, it's okay to talk about about naked celebrities, as long as we don't actually show them. I also saw that picture of Mila Kunis flashing her boobs from "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", which I almost forgot about after being traumatized by seeing Jason Segel's penis several dozen times. I had to go to therapy for that. I didn't look for Justin Timberlake's nude pictures, cuz I ain't gay. But seriously, I hate when celebrities leak their nude pictures, and I can't find them, or they just suck. The only good one I ever saw was the alleged nude Katy Perry picture, and nobody knows if it's her because she doesn't have her make-up on. But rest assured, if any decent nude celebrity pictures emerge, I will capture them like Pokemon and force them to battle in an arena of death until one remains victorious, standing atop the dead nude bodies of it's opponents.

This reminds me. Recently, Lady GaGa accidentally flashed her tits during a red carpet event. For anyone else, this would be career-killing. But she just brushed it off, lifted her top back up, and kept posing, LIKE A BOSS. How kick-ass is that?

The TSA is Scanning Your Body And Looking At You Naked And Laughing

Perhaps you do a lot of commuting by air. Perhaps you enjoy flying out-of-state for the holidays. Or perhaps you're a terrorist with a bomb strapped to your cock. Well, today, all of you will have to face the TSA's new high-tech body-scanning, which shows the entire surface of the scanee's skin.

As shown in this highly-shocking photograph to our left, this deadly weapon in the Global Effort To Combat Extremism will reveal what you look like naked to airport security employees, who we can all agree are pervs, who voted overwhelmingly to have this scanner installed, because they weren't getting enough action in their personal lives.




Well, I personally think this is great. You may feel violated now, but just think how much better you'll feel when a foreign-looking man with chemicals in his pants is apprehended by the authorities. All those times spent being gazed at lustfully by the TSA's finest will not have been in vain, and you can rest easy at night that they're not laughing at how out-of-shape you are, and how your body shape doesn't compliment your private parts at all. After all, if the Good Lord didn't want us to be seen naked, he wouldn't have made Adam and Eve with clothes already on.

Opponents to these new security measures say it's not necessary, because after all, is a hot blonde girl really going to bomb a plane? I think we all know the answer to that: yes. Another question posed is: "If a 9-year-old girl is scared to go through the body scan, are they going to make her go through it? Is a 9-year-old even considered a threat?" and again, I say that I sincerely hope that they put all children through full body scans, because have you seen that jungle-gym equipment being used in Al-Qaeda recruitment videos? I'm sure that attracted some kids to the cause.

Some Celebrities have even criticized the new scanner, such as rapper 50 Cent, who did not want them to scan to "see his G-unit", adding "I did not say I would let them come into the candy shop."