Hot Girl of The Week: Jodi Arias

Deadly and sexy.

Jodi Arias wasn't a celebrity until she shot and stabbed boyfriend Travis Alexander over 30 times, injuries that killed him. Jodi Arias left tons of evidence at the crime scene including a very clear handprint and time-stamp camera with pictures of her. "No jury is going to convict me. I am innocent, and you can mark my words on that." She declared in an interview confidently. Unfortunately, for Arias, she was not found innocent today.

Now let's put all that aside for a second. She's pretty hot. If she's guilty of any crime, it's the crime of being too sexy. Now, friends and family of Travis Alexander might be upset and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED SEXY?" and I say to them: if I were going to be brutally murdered, I'd want it to be via some sexy chick that was letting me hit that. Preying Mantis males put up with this sort of thing all the time, and you don't ever hear them complain, do you? 

For Jodi's sentence, her penalty shouldn't be death or life in prison. It should be to let me hit that. Mmm mm, I bet she'd be great in bed. Crazy chicks are always the best. Sane chicks are boring in bed, because they always worry about "consequences" and "reality", but crazy chicks are up for whatever, ya know what I be saying? Now, I know what y'all haters be thinkin right now, "But the Constitution says no cruel or unusual punishments" and I say fuck that shit! Haven't you seen the porn movies? It's actually the usual punishment for schoolgirls who don't do their homework to get it on with their teachers. I'm not sure why that's a punishment, but it just is. 

If I had any advice for Jodi, it would be: People just are hating on you cuz you're beautiful, and also because you killed that guy.

Unfortunately, Jodi and I probably would not make a good couple, because she kills people, and I prefer not being killed. So, while my hormones tell me to insert my penis into her, my brain tells me that this action could and probably will end in a brutal murder (of me). I really can't get along with women who try to kill me. I know that sounds like I'm being picky and snobbish, but I have standards. I know some female murderers might think I'm discriminating and being a dick, like I'm too high-and-mighty to date a lowly murderer, but that's not the case at all. Like every person, I have my personal tastes and likes, and it just so happens that I don't care for women who kill me with a knife. If that makes me sound shallow, I'm sorry, and I know a lot of other guys aren't into killer women, but some are, just not me. Sorry.

I would like to close by showing the Jodi Arias naked picture, enjoy:

Groundhog Attacks; President Declares State of Emergency

Today was a terrifying and perhaps one of the most important days in history, one we will not soon forget. The official Groundhog Day groundhog unleashed his wrath on many of the eastern seaboard's major cities, virtually leveling some cities, such as Newark, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Annapolis, Hoboken, and many parts of New York. At 11:39 EST, the Groundhog unexpectedly turned on it's handlers and vaporized them with it's powerful obliteration ray that shot forth from it's eyes. It is unclear how the Groundhog developed the ability to perform a projection of directed energy as a weapon, but the fact remains: it happened and we're in the middle of the worst crisis the nation has ever faced.

Hours after the Groundhog's first strike, President Obama declared a state of emergency, and briefly addressed the news corps, who were eagerly awaiting news in the midst of the chaos and fear. "We must evacuate the Capital." the President declared, "The Groundhog is on his way here, and as of yet, we have no immediate means of responding to this type of crisis. I have been on the phone with our law enforcement officials, who have been absolutely heroic but overwhelmed by the destruction left in the wake of this abomination of a furry woodland creature. We are considering a military strike to nullify the Groundhog, but we are working to only use such measures as a last resort." and he quickly was shuffled away by Secret Service agents who informed him that the Groundhog was close by.

Republican leaders were quick to criticize the President's response. Senator Lindsay Graham (R) said, "I would have immediately called up the Air Force and said 'let's bomb this thing.'". Critics of the Obama Administration also called on the President to resign, with Sean Hannity of Fox News saying "This treatment of the Groundhog by the President is disgraceful and shameful. We should've taken it out with a missile. Mr. Obama should resign and apologize to the American people." The Obama Administration issued a statement, saying "We are working tirelessly to nullify the Groundhog situation, and we are personally appalled by politicians and media figures using this tragedy to gain ratings and political points. The President has pledged to put an end to the Groundhog and introduce legislation that will address the Groundhog issue in the future."

The Groundhog also gave a statement, saying in his Darth-Vaderesque voice, "Winter may last only six more weeks, but the Hell I will bring to this world will be eternal." although hours later, a spokesperson for the Groundhog seemed to retract this statement, claiming that the Groundhog "Misspoke and did not mean to offend anyone."

Psy: THE CHOSEN ONE TO SLAY THE BIEBER

Justin Bieber, being gunned down by police after opening fire.

Psy, walking away from Justin Bieber's destroyed career.

Psy. Of all the heroes of the internet, never has one been so unlikely, and yet, so amazingly heroic at the same time. When all seemed lost, when the cancer of Justin Bieber's "Baby" music video was reaching unhealthy power in it's wake, even the lengthiness of the red on the like/dislike bar was not enough to deter JB's rabid and snake-like fans from declaring him number one, when clearly, he is number two. Well, now it's literal. Actually, it was literal before, but less literal than it is now. Let's just be clear: the level of literalness concerning JB's status as number two has now been elevated to Code Holy Shit now that an amazing k-pop sanger from the Republic of Korea (That's the good korea, not the bad one) smashed Justin Bieber with his bombshell song, "Gangnam Style". Unlike Bieber's meaningless drivel, Gangnam Style has a soul to it, a meaning, and most importantly of all, it stands supreme atop a glorious mountain of burning bodies, all of them the carcasses of former Justin Bieber fans.

Justin Bieber could not be reached for comment, as he was busy being destroyed, and hit with water-bottles at concerts. The rapper Nas commented, saying, "Good thing Psy showed up, cuz I would've had to drop another Ether on JB. Think about that shit. Two Ethers in one career. Someone had to destroy that kid's career." Indeed, Psy's horse-dance, which he used in a parking garage dance-battle against some kid in a yellow suit, has Ethered Justin Bieber, effectively smashing the young pop icon's career like Willem DaFoe's nuts with a hammer! That comparison may be a bit unfair; Justin Bieber is known to have been born without testicles as part of a rare medical condition which is now known as Bieber's Disease, which millions of people around the world have been tested to be suffering from. Bieber's Disease is very dangerous and can infect the brain cavity quickly, and is generally closely associated with Bieber Fever. If you are hospitalized, you will probably be met by Dr. House, who will look at you sternly and tell one of the assistant doctors "Fill his/her bloodstream with as much potassium as possible." The other doctor would look curious and ask "Potassium? Why?" to which Dr. House would say "Because that's what they make cyanide with. Don't they teach you anything in that dirt hole known as 'medical school' anymore?"